a box in the heart...

the year is ending ... bla bla bla ....happy new year.. bla bla bla...

besides those above, i slowly realise that it IS going to be 2007. and i realise again, it has NOT been that far since i graduated. it was ONLY aug 13 since i came back. that makes IT 4 and a half months since i came back. and i have been working for 3 months now.

i'm still stuck in that phase of time really passing so slowly. i thought 4 years has passed. but no, it is still 2006! i watched the world cup! i sat those exams! i graduated!
i was thinking about it. it probably felt so long has passed because we were really that close in Adelaide. and with just some short moment of days or weeks passing, it felt like years has passed.

oh yeah... a box in the heart. i don't think i'm 'giving' that well to the youths. i do 'give' but i know myself that i have been reserved. i feel like i have this precious box in my heart that i have sealed and reinforced it with top security. what's that box? that is everything in Adelaide. i fear that if i open it up or give any away, i'd forget about it and it will all just fade into the wind and disappear.

even now that the year is passing ( in a few hours time), i get that little scared feeling that as the year starts, i start losing that precious box bit by bit as things are continuing on and also starting anew.

things are hard to let go.
and also to quote one of my beloved seniors wise words before i left, 'to move on, you've got to let go.'

have a blessed year ahead...

1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him
[do look up this verse and read furthermore the passage]

what a saturday...

a saturday filled... that's great. but a bit too filled also.
morning - hike with GCFers.
late afternoon - youth committee meeting at church.
evening - dinner with OCFers. more like ex-ocfers.

had a climb up klang gates mountains with the GCFers. it is not a hike. a hike sounds very easy. it was a climb. a real real climb. we prayed before we climbed. and safety was great. no serious injuries or twists or sprains.

the hike or streneous climb took longer than expected. i couldn't make it for my MYF meeting. so sorry to the pres. bad example... but sent her and called her for apologies. will be at the next meeting.

it was great having a gathering at stephanie's house. richard and sylvy was there too. drove up from singapore. it is pretty much the oldies. all of them have left before me. oh oops! except shelley.
and well, some things never change. we're still crazy. but our talks have gone to financial planning and investment. how cool is that? it is now a time of 'what are we going to do with the money that we have earned?'. haha... i foresee we're going to be talking about baby powder and parenting 10 years down the road.

writings...

a weary traveller on the narrow road,
each step shuffles on to a direction with hope,
knowing each step is in faith,
knowing each step takes his strength.

a quiet pool is of great blessings
for the heart that sacrificed much,
knowing prayer brought him far,
knowing comfort is of God.

only God knows his heart,
what makes him smile or aches,
of heart-lifting experiences that brings life , and
of colourful memories that are now only shades,

of a song,
when its all been said and done,
there is just one thing that matters,
did i do my best to live for Truth?
did i live my life for You?

the lonely traveller finds solace
in the Word of God that never changes,
giving his best to shine for God, to be
giving His love to others,
knowing most is never seen.

'what jewels do i have to show?' he despairs.
'your jewels are in my hands', said the Lord.

that's all he needed to know.

Christmas?

nah.. didn't feel much actually this Christmas, as in those Christmas excitement.
maybe cause i've been busy doing stuff + working.

but one thing did encourage me most was a gift.
i got a planet shakers shirt. it kind of struck me a lot. it has like many folds but also show i think a lot.

1) it is a first gift from a church friend + youth cell group leader.
- a welcome back from my church friend. we grew up together in church. honestly, i didn't expect anything. so i got quite a shock. she thought of me when i was involved with the church musical and couldn't go for the planet shakers conference. + it was too far.
2) its expensive.
- waliau! i know the prices of these t-shirts man...
3) planet shakers is from Adelaide.
- i guess she didn't think of that (maybe she did) but it is a kick or a little taste of Adelaide. so, indirectly, a thought of Adelaide is given for my Christmas present.
4) i feel loved.

i am guilty for not getting anyone anything. just got a few stuff.

besides doing 'stuff', i was trying to focus and learn, more of strip everything down to its core to see Christmas as it really is. you know, we always hear those type of messages/emails titled, 'the true meaning of Christmas' or 'what is Christmas actually?'.
it would be my fault to bore myself (in a way) this Christmas but i wanted it. i wanted to see its wire-frame and foundations.
its just some sudden desire lately to strip everything down and see what it really is.

Jesus Christ. God. Emmanuel.

busy nights,,,

busy nights?
oh yeah man...

i didn't plan but the plans came.

i can't remember what i did on monday. i just remember i worked late.
tuesday was music practise for Christmas service. its quite a difficult song to pull off nicely.
wednesday was shopping, alone. and i know shopping's not one of my talent. going through the whole KLCC pretty quick and remembering shop's lot numbers are my talents.

thursday was company dinner. and so they say i've made a new meaning to the word 'bottomless'. i ate a lot.

after that was Gillian's birthday. i was super late. company dinner lasted till 10 and i reached her home at 10.50 p.m. (starts at 8pm) but i was ever determined to go.
not only to pass her my gift, but to also see my sister. she took care of me and nurtured me + having lots of patience with me, always telling me things to do or not to do (most i don't understand why or her intentions-of-wisdom too).
i only understood at a much later stage. how could i ever thank her? i miss my sister very much.
it was a small but big hearted celebration with close friends. i'm 'proud' to say that i was the youngest there. hee hee hee...
having just this little meeting, it is a precious little memory. inspires and refreshes.

i know this is going to sound kind of dramatic but its true.
it hasn't been long. but a hug makes a lot of difference. A LOT.
i know i felt care, refreshment and burdens lifted.
a hug....

so they return...so they graduate...

everyone's back... they're back for the holidays...

it's been pretty weird. i had a long silence and was wondering what happened to them. of course there was exams and then convention. it wasn't really that long, but it felt super long.

i didn't plan anything but got to go out with a few OCFers. it was an interesting journey. i just really wanted to catch up with a dear (short-legged) brother of mine. well, i got that, and also bonus, get to spend it with a few others.

it really lifted my spirits a lot. and as i think about it, what the? its only (since aug13) 4 months!!! its not that long. but it felt so long. anyways, spending that short time with them was great.

this week is also the graduation days of many people. congratulations... they reached the finish line, only to start a new race... okay that didn't come out right. they reached the finish line, and so a new journey begins!
- my question is, did you all see God working in your race? -
my dear brownie sister, my dear antenna brother, my dear elder mad sister (who calls me rosy cheeked brother), my dear hp othello brother, my dear (momo) brother and i know there are others but i can't remember who. (try and guess who these 5 are)

and like guy sebastian's Australian Idol Song, 'Angels brought me here';
it's been a long and winding journey,
but i'm finally here tonight,
picking up the pieces,
and walking back into the light....

p.s. just that part lah...

what a week!

well, firstly, i got to deal with the sunburn. i cannot believe i'm putting moisturizer on my face and skin 2-3 times a day. i have to but oh man, like a girl already. the first time i have to do this considering the degree of sunburns that i have.

work increased. so when i came back i didn't see a pile of work placed on my desk. but i saw it being placed on my desk. and as i finished friday, i couldn't solve a problem my manager gave me. it was tough.

what took most of my energy was not having enough sleep because i'm involved in the Christmas musical. okay.. i know i said i wasn't going to be involved but that was the choir. then they called me for the keyboard. so, okay... can... its some canggih keyboard, like a one man band. i am the one man orchestra for now. haha...

the musical is today. saturday night. got to be wearing all black. that's why i call my black shirt my performance shirt. wear only for performances and funerals.

p.s. at the moment i'm at the peeling stage. so i look like i'm a burnt victim.

YOUTHQUAKE IV !!!

okay.. for the first time i use apostrophes. and for a good reason too. no, its not my wedding, but its YOUTHQUAKE!!! the national methodist camp. its like rarer than the olympics so its much more valuable. its once every 5 years (so happen to be lah).

i wasn't suppose to go but ronald ask for help and i thought, okay... go lah if boss got give me leave. and its truly God's blessings my manage gave me from wednesday until monday. i know i need to recuperate.

i've been to youthquake 5 years ago (i was 17) as a participant and now i am at youthquake as a helper/counsellor/assistant tribe leader. honestly, i just came to serve and help ronald. i pretty much know nothing except that i've been away 4 years and have lost out a lot on who's who and what's happening and who's the current youths.

so i went expecting nothing but some tough conditions. and as usual, God amazes me again and again. i was 'wow'ing most of the way. i went there a day earlier with ronald and help with the set-ups. and i got shy cause i see these great adults who served in the youth ministy (i heard they're like icons) and also see the youths who were there earlier to prepare.

but okay, okay, be brave. take away the shyness. get to know each other. and wow! to just see their joy and spirit and their passion. its wonderful. to see those that are younger than me, and to see those that are around me age, and to see those much senior really keep going on for this passion and this heart for the youths.

and when the adults shared in our closing helpers meeting today, waliau... i don't know how to describe it.
one thing for sure is that my eyes are opened for God's works in malaysia. the harvest is plenty but the workers are few.

there's so much to share, i got to do it in bits.
i'm going to have a new group called youthquake4 on my msn. there's so many...

the site for YouthQuake 4 = yqiv.multiply.com

P.S. i got more lame jokes too...

prophecy....

i always remember this passage as one of the passages that most bible quizzes ask. they always ask who is the guy and who was the lady or what did they say, how many doves.

this time, as i was going through it, it awed me. it AWED me. i try to imagine it like some booming voice but obviously it isn't cause it was some old guy (assumed to be old) saying it. it was probably said in a firm voice with the strength and spirit of God echoing its majesty.

"....causing the fall and rising of many in Israel and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. "
fooh! try that man...
i think if a prophecy of such strength is made of me, i'll be going, 'huh?'

the passage is
Luke 2:25-40

25 Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. 26 It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Christ. 27 Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required,

28 Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:
29 "Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace.
30 For my eyes have seen your salvation, 31 which you have prepared in the sight of all people, 32 a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel."

33 The child's father and mother marveled at what was said about him. 34 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35 so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

36 There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, 37 and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. 38 Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.

weekend?

well, i know i was going to have a busy weekend.

having christmas cantata practise at 12-2pm, organ training at 2-5pm, Myf AGM at 3-5pm, MYF Christmas party at 6-10pm+ . phew... and that's a saturday. yeah.. i know organ training and AGM clashes so when it comes to voting and nomination they miss call me and i leave organ training for a while. oh yeah... i am the new treasurer. honestly, i still forget that i am treasurer. still hasn't registered in the brain yet.

work? well, i finish stuff up pretty fast and keeping good discipline. but i'm waking up moodier now. i was talking to a good friend and asking him how its has been for him to be working so long. i said its only 2 months-plus for me and the mundane routine is starting to eat into me. (with some dramatic-thoughtful effect) you know, it just makes me want to sit down on the steps, look into the vast sky, gaze into the endless starry night, with a deep sigh, ask, 'what is the meaning of life?'

knowing my age, he looked at me and said, 'man, you got a pretty long way more to go'. hahaha... a nice laugh with a brother who impacted me since young. its great to see him again.

videos...

okay okay.. i need to protect myself before any conspiracies or doubts about my sexuality comes up. hahaha... plus i'd like to share this too... wonder why i didn't think of sharing it...

anyway, i was asked to make a video of myself answering questions. so 7 questions makes 7 videos.
the videos are for Returnees Night in OCF Adelaide 24th Nov. so did quite a rush for it and to upload it on the Multiply account[williamkch] (thank God for Multiply) for the person to download and compile it.
so with the rush, my sister helped me make it while i teach her economics in her room. that is why the pink flowery curtains at the background. i'm sure i explained that FIRST in the video. hahaha....

so with questions of, what's your feeling now that you've graduated? what did going home to Malaysia feel like? what were the major differences? what difficult issues? what was your experience/the process in finding a job? what joys did you experience as a returnee? what are your last words to ocfers and returnees?

i kind of had the advantage to be able to plan my answers. but i did the video quite a number of times. the amount of bloopers... haha...
she wanted about more than 1 min but less than 2 min per question. till i found out that a 1 minute video takes about 1 hour upload. don't even think about 2 minutes. so i made it all 20 seconds except for last words which is 1 minute-plus.

the questions kind of gave me a check on myself. it brings me joy again to continue to be able to do something and give to OCF. to be able to share what little wisdom i have that God has taught me.

i really had to choose and think what are the last words. i thought it out and i know that the last words are not just for their university journey but for their life. and it must be condensed cause i only have 1 minute. so i try to imagine:
1) i'm giving a 1-minute sermon for the rest of their life.
2) i'm going to die in 1 minute. what's my last words?

one thing for sure, i knew it was important. what are the fundamentals?
:) i'll post what i said up soon...
of course its not model answers lah.. definitely not. what i said, is based on what God said in His Word and also of the things i see that i hope none of my brothers and sisters that i love be in the future. [including me]

The Robe...

i've been listening to many songs some time ago but didn't post about it. i want to share this song, for it talks of us who are walking on this narrow journey.

whether a christian for a long time or someone of new faith, this song presents to us the fundamentals/basics of life - to where it all began for each of us.

i believe that the journey can be pretty lonely. and many times it is God's grace and love that just holds us, for He is our strength, our Rock and our Redeemer. He is our provider in our time of need. His grace is sufficient for us.

The Robe
- Wes King -

Anyone whose heart is cold and lonely
Anyone who can't believe
Anyone whose hands are worn and empty
Come as you are

Anyone whose feet are tired of walking
And even lost their will to run
There is a place of rest for your aching soul
Come as you are

Chorus:
For the robe is of God
That will clothe your nakedness
And the robe is His grace
It's all you need
Come as you are

Anyone who feels that they're unworthy
Anyone whose just afraid
Come sinner, come and receive His mercy
Come as you are

back from TRAC...

just came back from the TRAC conference today.

it's nice to be able to attend. the teaching sessions were quite good. plus i haven't seen so many pastors at one go. broke my previous record. its compulsory for all the pastors to attend this annual AGM conference.

being a pastor is tough. there are so many issues to deal with in their life. and this is only just within the church. don't even talk about going out into the world yet.

there was an ordination of a pastor today. welcoming a pastor into the ministry.

okay... my mind suddenly came to a halt. just now, my thoughts were about the many things i have heard and seen that happens in churches as i was growing up and also till now. its quite saddening. its not the same as OCF, obviously. it stumbles people. it's surprising how people change and i won't be surprised at how others who are good and faithful gets discourage or pick-up the bad habits and forget the Lord whom they love. okay. i better stop.
its only 8.35pm. but i'm tired. may have to run on caffeine tomorrow at work.

mmmmm.... :)

so my grumpy mood ends...

i solved the problem. spent 1 and half weeks. and earlier, i had to redo it from the start because of leaving a decimal point. after going through a lot of mess, the data did not equal. it could not be reconciled. the difference is by the millions! i struggled through and kind of reached the solution. but it was messy and a complicated way to get the solution.

i looked at it. its crappy work. certainly not good. i set it aside and started it all over again but this time having done it before. i finished it in half a day. i reconciled all the data. all formulas in each cell checked and corrected. its good.

when i woke up this morning, i was like, what kind of day is it going to be? well, i choose what type of day it is going to be. and i just prayed and ask God, 'please help me.' no elaborate prayer or spiritual words came to my mind. i was just so so so so sincere and true when i said, 'please help me.'

oooo... how could i forget? ee leon is in malaysia for 1 month. he came down to KL for 3 days. met up with him last night together with chok and yvonne. its really great. so nice to see ee leon and chok again.

haha... and i'll be going for the TRAC national conference. TRinity Annual Conference = all the english methodist churches in malaysia. its in kuantan and i'll be going down with my parents. all the pastors and church leaders will be there. scary... its from saturday till tuesday.
my supervisor allowed me to take leave on monday and tuesday.

thank you, Lord.
oh yeah... i'm not going to be involved in the Christmas musical this year. i take it slow first...

mental defence...

i am tired.

i am glad that i still finish my work fast and early.

my life-defence is getting battered. the defence is good. but when getting knocked on day after day... its not a really nice feeling.

plus now that i am going to serve in some ministries, more problems comes up.

being an elite for God is tough. even warriors need a quiet place to rest. take the armour out and place it at the side. the warrior is also a child. i go running home to God each time my enemies have a go at me, be it the silent strategy or straight out in the open. God hold me and bring me through...
i'm persevering.
i'm not going to give up.
i won't give up.

wow...

i was looking through a book that had lifted me up when i was in adelaide. 'Finding Peace' by Charles Stanley.

it brings back memories. the not-so-good memories. i'm still kind of amazed that i got through it. i didn't expect i could do it. i just never gave up. i wanted to fight on. and i did got through. i definitely know its not on my own. with God and the people, no, the Brothers and Sisters that He placed around me.
[my prayers are still with you all that are in the midst of exams]

even as i am back here, things are not smooth. but i learn to smile through all of it. i still got so much to learn. this week, i can say its a rougher week. but just smile lah. haha...

this scripture just wows me. i tell you, the amount of times that doubts and insecurities and inconfidence comes to my mind and heart, is a lot lot lot. this verse from Isaiah really lifted my heart and tells me:
- God is Always in control.
- from adelaide, God is REALLY placing me and using me. but not from the ends of the earth lah...
- i am His servant. i just so want to serve God to the fullest especially in ministry now.
- i fear. and God comforts because His presence is always with me and He is my God.
- i feel weakness. and God strengthens.
- God knows i need help.
- God knows the crazy things that i will get as i do my best to serve Him in ministry and He will uphold me as long as i am righteous and obey His commands.

- Isaiah 41:9-10 -

You whom i have taken from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest regions,
and said to you,
"You are My servant,
I have chosen you and have not cast you away:
Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
i will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

fooh...

lets see... now it is one month and 2 weeks that i have worked.

i am starting to feel the strain. calculatingly, i am having a 60 hour week. the past few days my brain's been half dead going to work. and having an analytics type of job that requires the mind, its not a good thing to happen. its like, the computer hanging on you while trying to process something. so my mind hangs on me while trying to think of a solution.

i don't think i'm managing my energy as well as i could. i have to be more disciplined now and standardized my sleeping time.

i work 12 hours. wake up at 6.30am. travel. work. and come back at 8pm. and to have 8 hours sleep, i have to sleep by 10.30pm. that gives me 2 1/2 hours to do what i want. i have to eat dinner. i have to bathe. so how much time do i have left?

i want to make sure that i spend time with my parents. its going good. but i also have been cutting time out for myself. practise piano everyday and quiet time. so i don't have enough sleep. plus, i exercise everyday, pushing myself to keep fit. so i'm really exhausted. slept at 12 for 2 days this week. not good. not wise at all.

i worked 3 days on one thing at work. only to find that it is flawed. all because of a decimal dot that was in the raw data. it happenned at the beginning of the programme, which leads on to extraction and producing reports. its one of those things where though the format is wrong, the programme still works.
so 3 (12-hour) days of work, down the drain. i start all over again on monday. my manager just smiled at me. that's where experience is needed which i don't have. i look at it, scratch my head, and ask, 'it happens, right, boss?' and just smile. la la la la ... it happens...

now i understand even more what it is the working life. i adjusted quite okay to it. and am just trying stuff here and there, trying to see what's the limit. and now fine-tuning a regular schedule that is as balanced as it can be. i am starting to feel the strain. i'm actually quite surprised i lasted quite long and now only feeling a bit.

i prayed last night and just really spend quiet time by myself and just ask God stuff. reflect. i pray for protection of my mind when it is weak. all the s**pid thoughts comes to my mind. doubts, lust, crazy theories which i always find ways of proving that its right, anger, frustration, jealousy, bla bla bla...

Jesus hold me close in Your embrace...

Be still my soul...

alright man... work is work.
its like that.
accept it.
and just do it.
:)

Psalm 46...

psalms is one of my favourite books besides the last few letters of the bible.
let's go back to one of the comforting psalms as i remember my dear brothers and sisters, OCFers in Adelaide, taking their exams starting last saturday.

Psalm 46
-for the director of music. of the Sons of Korah. According to alamoth. A song. -

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where Most High dwells.
5 God is withing her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

8 Come and see the works of the Lord,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."

11 The Lord Almight is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

walk His trail...

saturday, MYF was encouraging. indeed, fellowship is building again. of course these things take time and its good to have a start.

after MYF, was going to watch the Footstool Players, presenting 'Walk His Trail'. a theater type of presentation. didn't want to watch (cause its too far away) but things fell into place and i got a church friend to go to the place and OCFers to go back home. :)

i was surprised also to see about 10 GCFers that were there too. i was sitting in front of a few of them. and i got to see oliver! from OCF tasmania. i didn't see him since OCF Convention Hobart 2003. it was nice seeing him again...
yeah... the hobart convention was full of seniors who have finished and were going to be returnees.

anyway... Walk His Trail is about the missionary Jim Elliot. uh.. google it up. he and 5 others were matyred by the indians in ecuador that they were reaching out to. 1956. their deaths, besides shocking the world, impacted so many people and the growth for missions was exponential. they were only in their 20's.
his wife, Elisabeth Elliot, is an example in her life and also her testimony of God's grace and peace and guidance is something to be awed.

as the presentation started, they spoke and the microphones weren't that clear and a few spoke quite fast. so i had to strain my ears to catch what they were saying (uh oh, the music side coming out of me. however i put that away so that i can learn and receive what is presented).

i'm sure the presentation touched, taught, created awareness, awed, called, convicted, teared and impacted everyone in some way.
the hall was quite dark, so wasn't so embaressing when i was wiping some of my tears. heh heh...

a few things struck me.
the Auca indians had killed some Shell employees in the earlier years. but no impact.
Jim Elliot died for God. he left little of value, as the world regards values. but look at the impact that he had around the world.

at the end of the presentation, Elisabeth Elliot mentioned about Obedience to God and what it means to do that. then i cried lah. cause Obedience to God was the last thing i said before i left Adelaide as i do my best to follow God's direction. i don't think i got the answer. but its a reminder that God is still there and He knows... He knows...

elisabeth elliot continued to reach out to the Auca indians. the Auca indians who killed the group of 5, accepted Jesus and followed Him. and as they witness to others, others also went out to other tribes and were willing to die for Christ.

one of the missionaries sons was baptized by the Auca indian who killed his father.
one of the grandchildren calls the Auca indian who killed her grandfather, 'Grandfather'.

"He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose."
- Jim Elliot -

one night...

2 nights ago.. i lie down... and just think.

my thoughts flew back to adelaide, to my 2nd family, and oh! its swot week. (the week before exam starts)

Swot - (English dialect), sweat,
from Middle English swot, from Old English swAt.

i remember i was taught that it meant Study WithOut Thinking. heh heh..

i just prayed for them. i know i can't be there (of course) but i know that God can be there. He is always there, everywhere, with them. i sent them an sms that they remember God.

for those who know what i went through, i'll tell you that the same God that has planned my uni life (all the joy and pain) and faithfully brought me through it, is ever faithful and will also bring YOU through. every single step on the path or off the path is in God's control.

i don't deny that i question the pain all the time. i always ask and think it out: 'why all the pain? need so much meh? no other way ah? don't need so pain right?'
but i also turn on my wisdom brain and think again: 'if none of the pain happened, even the smallest, what will happen to me?'

i really can't remember who told me this but i'd really really like to thank him. i hold on to it all the time.
"in all these pain, take heart to know that God is doing something in you. God is preparing you for His purpose. something so big you'd never dream of. are you going to be faithful to walk in His path all the way?

and in all these pain, you are being tried and tested. do you persevere through it all? and when you were persevering, were you faithful and honouring God and living for Him?"

well, here i am, God. grounded, mashed, broken, moulded, polished, tried and tested. is there gold?

my days are passing pretty slowly. most likely because i keep on counting my days from august 13th.

new place...

well well, the latest photo of myself at the office. looking good, eh?
that's weird, i'm wearing the same coloured shirt from the previous photos...

the internet going up and down is really stressing my nerves... but then again, i'm still grateful that i can come online...


my office and my cubicle 

what internet...

my internet is going up and down like waves. its a sucky thing...
that explains why i don't post that often. for now.... haha

anyway, worked on thurs and fri. i really thought sat was wednesday cause it was hari raya holidays on mon-weds.

in church, i was talking to jessica and i realised... hmmm... i have always been talking about praying and not making rash decisions and just jump into any ministry. i do pray about it and all, but i thought again... okay... i got to draw a deadline now and decide. i hope i wasn't taking it too lightly and that it didn't slip my mind.

i am starting to 'see' where does God want me to be and even more, WHY he twist my life and point me back home in the first place.
i always ask, 'God, what are you doing? can you please tell me?' (must be polite mah...)
yet again, i'm trying to pray harder for more signs/confirmations. i'm quite hard to be convinced. but more of wanting to be sure that God wants me to go there...
ah well, the struggles we have...

there's a video compiled about the GCF camp 2006 made by david ting.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3_4XqhT9CM

P.S. i got to sing that song man.. i still don't know whose my GA.
(sung to the tune of, 'Don't they know its the end of the world?')
Why doesn't my G.A. like me?
Why doesn't he care at all?
Don't he know i exist in this camp?
The camp is going to end soon....

and someone asked me on the last lunch, 'no GA ah? then how?'
well, i don't mind... but i replied, 'oh.. its okay.. with all the angels around me, its good enough.' hahahahaha....

G.C.F.

was too tired to type yesterday. i already came back tired, and then had a flat tire to change for the 3rd time in one month... its the same stupid tire. who says i don't get any exercise? haha... anyway...

i came back from camp yesterday. i had that sad miserable feeling after camp and i was quite frustrated at myself. waliau.. moody again...i feel quite stupid to be feeling like that.
then i realised why. the camp gave me such a familiar feeling that i miss so much.
it reminded me so much of the Overseas Christian Fellowship that i miss. just the 'O' cut the side a bit, twist twist, and becomes a 'G'.

G.C.F. = Graduates Christian Fellowship
not FES that organised the camp. that shows how much i knew before going for the camp. haha... the Christian Fellowship in the local uni's are taken care by FES. and after uni, the transition period and working life, that's where GCF comes in.

GCF Vision = to build a community of servant-leaders committed to transforming society for Christ.

GCF Mission = we are committed to the challenge of equipping Christians to become servant leaders.

GCF Context = While recognizing the central place of the local church, our primary concern is for Christians in the marketplace where faith and life intersect.

www.gcfmy.org

--------------

I-Bridge is a ministry of GCF. founded in 2001 with the aim of catering to the needs of young graduates in malaysia (and i'm sure overseas) and to encourage and challenge one another to follow Jesus in the real world. (okay... i got this out of the camp booklet)

the camp i attended is I-Bridge. about 105 people. all from uni's all over malaysia. a few ocfers are there also that went for convention 2003. 2003! (we were all there, but of course the camp was so big.) i am the youngest. try that... so my roommates said that i'm the baby of the camp. haha...
and i met yew kong again... after 6 years since School Christian Fellowship (SCF) in 2000 in my school, MBS KL. i was so surprised to see him there. get to meet up and know ee ling again. and in the same group as melanie who is joel's (my best friend) cousin.

i miss the brothers and sisters that i met there. even though they are much older than me ( heh heh ) they are really young at heart, still active and running around (i'm sure their body aching now) + lots of wisdom and maturity. i learnt so much from them. its like so high, another level. i'm really touched by their care and their dedicated-ness. and i got so much to learn too...

the camp was about being a minister in the marketplace. i think its enough to say, reflect on the words, 'Minister/Pastor in the Marketplace'.
that's us. called to the marketplace.
the planting of the seeds are done by us in our lifestyle and behaviour in the marketplace. the harvest is probably done by others.

under I-Bridge, they have bible studies for the just-started working people, called Headstart. in the transitional period. what it is to being a Christian in the working world. its once a month (we're working people) for a year. and after that, its optional for the group to stick together for other stuff.

another is the internet= www.taketheleap.org
take a look... an internet ministry... its great...

another is Face2Face. gatherings to bring GCFers together. waterfall trips, worship sessions, annual camps. Prayer is an essential part of every gathering because spiritual friendship are formed when we are praying for one another. (again, out of the camp booklet)

-------

this is the ministry that OCF returnees need (of course must still go to church lah). the transition period is a sensitive one. all ocfers/students who comes back, should go. its good if you have a church and can settle down. however, not all churches are giving enough support. this is a support group here. and for those who don't have a church, there's so many to choose from the GCFers here.

this is where GCF, a para-church ministry (like OCF) comes in.

camp camp...

my office started to slack off because of the holiday mood coming. but then again, didn't because of the many datelines and presentations coming up immediately after the Hari Raya holidays. so we were kind of stressed... oh well, work is work.

shifted to a new floor and settling down. clean up and all. the only problem is that the guys toilet is just nearby and it badly stinks. the ventilation isn't that good and so the smells leak out onto whoever's the closest. but no one escapes it either cause our only walkway to the office is past the toilet door. so the fumes are collected in that walkway.

holidays are mon-weds. so i'm off to a camp. from sunday till wednesday (obviously no posts till then). i have no idea what i got myself into. but i just do weird weird things. i saw it on ee ling's blog and thought, why not? i was past the closing date and i called her about it and it was still opened.

i hope i got this right. the camp is organised by the Christian fellowship of the local uni's in malaysia. the organization is called FES (don't know what it stands for) and this is like a uni-leavers camp. 2 categories of working: Less than 3 years and More than 3 years.

saw a few topics about adjusting to life in the working place, being a Christian in the working world, and can't remember the rest. i thought , yay! i can learn more. wanna learn more. then i can compile more materials for returnee's purposes. i'll get to know the people who have been serving here locally in their Uni CF.

what came to my mind as the most important was that OCF returnees can go for this camp. just as we had a 'family' in australia, so we also have a 'family' in malaysia. and we just have to get to know our 'family'. who else knows better to settle down locally than them? maybe something more can be done to take care of OCF returnees... i dunno. we'll see...

i was also thinking, these are our Christian cousins. you know, similar to OCF but just not over the seas.

what measurement?

there are many times that it comes to my mind when people compare. how much are you serving? how much are you earning? how much bible study are you doing? how high a level have you reached? wah.. this person is so keng. he can do this. he can do so many things. he is serving in so many areas. he has so much acheivements. he is earning this much. his prospects are so good. he has climb these heights. he is serving in so many ministries.

money and acheivements are so commonly used as a measuring denominator for people/individuals that we even speak it without realising that we are actually stressing upon material stuff. how much is this guy worth? $15 million networth... etc...
now this is not to condemn people working hard and making money. God rewards the man according to the work of his arm. but then again, is that the measurement?
in my thoughts, i am stopped by the article on my church bulletin last sunday. and i truly pray that God hold me in my insecurities when people make measurements and comparisons.

i don't want to be compared to others. i don't want to be made a point of measurement either (and have people trying to pull me down or just waiting for me to fall). i want to be able to live for God. of course, making sure i'm doing my best with what's given. and knowing whether i have $1 or $1 000 000, it does not make a difference if i have been serving God and living for Him. its a weird thing how our own Christian brothers and sisters look down on those who have sacrificed to serve. (even christian brothers and sisters look down on each other. but that's a different topic about humility)

His Work Will Be Shown For What It Is
1 Corinthians 3:10-15

True servants of God aren't motivated by adulation or a large following. they honestly want to build Christ's church. and they build on the one true foundation, Jesus Christ. they keep the focus of their followers on Jesus, not on themselves. not even on their vision of a Christian Disneyland, or of the largest church building in the U.S., or of the biggest radio or TV following.

Paul knew that his accomplishments would be evaluated one day on just this basis. was he working to promote Jesus or himself? when Judgement Day comes, the "quality of each man's work" will be revealed (v.13).

knowing this, what do we care how other people evaluate our service for Jesus? what do we care even for "success", or the praise of others? the only true success is in serving Jesus and His people well. the only reward we seek is Christ's, when our service for Him is judged at the last day (v.13).

From The 365 Day Devitional Commentary by Lawrence O.Richards

my workplace...

a snapshot of my workplace with my boss sitting at the back. he got quite a surprise but he allowed lah... i said he was looking quite hardworking so its a good photo. haha... my boss is hardworking and very sporting also.

the place is a temporary place. we'll be shifting next week to our proper place which has been renovated. going to be an open concept office and now we got to make sure we behave even better. haha...

  

my latest working photo

hey everybody, this is my latest working photo taken today.
yeah.. i wear like this everyday... i am thankful that there is no need for a coat.
and the short hair.. okay.. my mother's idea... and when i recut it, the barber cut it back the same way. waliau... i only said cut the sides.
but she cut and i couldn't see what she was doing cause i had to take my glasses off.
oh well...

  

pastor's message....

in a sermon by my pastor a few weeks ago,

"it's not about 'oh, the pastor's message was good. it was delivered well and with so much enthusiasm.'

it's about 'what did God speak to you? what is God trying to tell or teach you?' "

'under-usage'...

about 2-3 weeks back, i was reading a book when the thought came to my head about being underused.

one of the things that i would be worried about is that i am underused. one is because i am not being used and am doing nothing with my time. and another, i would then not be using God's gifts that was given to me.

and i know from the bible, that when you're not using the gift that God gave you, God will take it away (the Parable of the Talents). i am afraid that God does that. and so i take big big precautions that i do not use the gifts OR mis-use the gifts for my own ego.

God is a generous God and a loving Father.
what saddens Him is if you don't use what He has given you. no matter how small or how big, God looks at our attitudes with what He has given.

if its small, we still use it to the max. we are to be responsible with it. every good gift comes from God. also, this is where the commandment, do not covet comes in. it's not just about envying your neighbours possessions, but also your neighbour's spiritual gifts and talents.
if its big, we have greater responsibilities with it. the demands are of God are higher. it is saddening to see people mis-use their gifts and talents. it is also saddening to see people not use the big talents they have.

in the end, we can only encourage and advise. we are not to judge each other. who is to judge whether one is using the gifts/talents that they have to the fullest? this is not an excuse to not do anything lah... the matter of judging is for God to do. that is between each of us and God. we are answerable to God.

God With Us...

while teaching yoshimi about some examples of speaking during worship, one of the examples i went back to was the album God With Us by Don Moen.

and while listening to it again after a long time, firstly i was touched again. and it brought back memories... a familiar feeling.
that musical was performed in church when i was 13. and i remember how amazed i was. and as i watched, i was touched and so the seed of the worship and music ministry was planted.

that's where it all started.

to able to come to where i am, its God's gift. i can only hope that i have used it wisely and to the best and not for my own gain.
i wish i can go further with whatever preparation i can do but that's for God to put me.
will continue working on stuff...
wedding songs, anyone? hahaha...

after one week...

well well... this is 5 days of work. this weekend is only my 8th weekend. its only 2 months! it felt so long. perhaps with my packed schedule and keeping myself busy.

today the Putra LRT stopped working. so, its chaos for everyone. i remind myself to just relax, and get going. i still had the car to drive to the STAR line to get to work. that's good news.

so after one week, can feel the strain on the body. got to get use to the cycle and lifestyle. now i get to practise my piano everyday. what a blessing. getting my hand muscles toned again. hahahaha... get to spend more time for the other instruments also. can't wait to get a guitar. but first month's salary go to God so it'll take longer before i can get a guitar.

i do realise also that i've been attacked more frequently in the mind lately. i've been getting quite a number of tests too. i struggle. i quickly shout out, 'God! please protect my mind and my heart! please protect my mind and heart! please!' i repeated many times.
i made sure i turn back to God. don't want to make the same mistake of running away on my own thinking that i am so great to handle it.

i'm called laksamana or admiral in office now. since long time ago, i see this joke never ends. who can resist not mentioning it the moment they hear my name? hahaha...

ministry...

i remember to pray about being faithful and obedient to God. and prayed for jobs.

but i forgot to pray for which ministry to be in. aiyah...

i was exploring the various ministries. there's so many things i could choose to do. i so wanna do all of them also. haha... but that's not how the body of Christ works. its not a one-man show.

God made each of us for a purpose.

work....

well, started on monday (yesterday). i start at 8.45 a.m. but i was an hour early much to the surprise of my colleagues. they must be going, wah... this feller so semangat. i was actually wanting to miss the LRT jam. i finish at 5.45 p.m. but stayed to work till 6.30 p.m. to miss the LRT jam again.

its been good. trying to learn a software as fast as i can. my boss is nice. my colleagues are too. they even msn each other at night. okay... maybe this is my first 2 days. been observing. trying to catch as many clues as possible. oh yeah, one more thing. there are so many girls (no, i'm not looking). equally sporting and will be interogating me for the whole week.

okay... i'd really love to share more but i may get into trouble if i unknowingly post stuff which may be sensitive to others.

at the moment, i'm falling sick. just got a fever. i think i worked myself a bit too hard + the cold + lack of water. trying to do my best.

Florida Baptist Convention 2006....

on thursday and friday, i attended a course about worship leading. i just applied and went for it myself. not really knowing what i was doing except that the group that was coming was from florida.

and God just amazes me.
the 200 member choir spent a week in sydney and dropped by malaysia. of the 200, 85 were teaching the courses in their respective expertise. they come from the baptist churches all over florida. most of the teachers come with 25+ years of experience in the music ministry. they're worship pastors or the music director of their churches. they each have formal training in an instrument and most are trained singers. they're professionals.

during one of the courses about Worship Planning, the teacher asked, 'how many of you here have an orchestra in the church?'
we were looking at each other and going, 'huh?'
in another class, the teacher said, 'he comes from a church whose choir is quite big. about 500-600.' what the? that's HUGE.
another displayed multimedias of high creativity and quality.
there were lots more of course.

they really shared their experiences. of course its not possible to teach all in just 2 days. but they gave all they could. there were the mega churches of 10,000 and also the churches of 200-300. they shared with me their preparations in terms of practising and also for the travelling.

i got to meet and take a picture with Camp Kirkland. i didn't know he was there. he's one of the pioneers of instrumental Christian music. he has worked together with Integrity Music a lot. most of the musicals that you have watched or orchestral arrangements for christian music are done by him. i grew up reading his name on most of the musicals that i was involved in or while doing some personal research.

well, the classes are full on. i got to mix around with the teachers as well. and they're people with the heart for God. the heart for the music ministry in Asia as well.

friday night, the florida baptist convention presented a musical and worshipped. after praise and worship, the musical started. and quite a number of times i was close to tears. i was just so amazed and in wonder. imagine, a 170+ choir singing together, both mightily and gently, with a 20+ orchestra playing alongside. how similar is that to heaven? it is only just a touch. we read in the bible about multitudes worshipping God. when you hear the choir and the orchestra, you see these people just giving to God. so majestic, so inspirational, so organized, so controlled and precise. that is really true quality and standards.

my father asked me where i stand among them... uh... i'm nowhere anywhere. there's so much more to learn. i'm only touching the surface. i hear of these things overseas but never had the chance to learn. but now i learn and i see.

getting it...

well, i got a job. i got the job i applied to.
with my not so good grades, i just apply.
i sat through the interview. and with questions, they attack. quite fierce at times.
i don't deny that at the final interviews, i just feel that i'm not good enough. i know i can say i am/was confident in God. but after the final interviews pass, thoughts just come into my mind. who am i kidding? if i'm in the interviewers position, i would have weeded myself out long time ago.

i can 'see' God. How else could i have gotten the job? fluke?
of course we have to put our effort in also and prepare and all that. but even after all that, that 'special' touch is needed.

i was thinking also, if i had super good grades, i may just sit through all the interviews and when i get the job, oh its because of the grades. it'll surely come. i'll become cocky and get just pass off 'getting the job' as some event. (i'm sure God knows)

but now, i humbly say again and again, it's God's grace, faithfulness and blessings.

Find us Faithful...

now with each day preparing for work, lots of emotions lah. its twisting my mind. i could still hold on when i had nothing to do. but now with work going to start, i know i have to finally let go to move on. if not, low performance in work and get fired lah.

tidying up my room, packing up the belongings in adelaide. okay... its one month plus... but i was 3 weeks in singapore plus i procrastinated as well. it was hard to pack and close it away. i didn't want to. i want my adelaide stuff lying everywhere around me. i try lah, but my mother will, of course... k_ll me.

the times in OCF... hmm... how do i say this? will always be in my heart. my journey in uni where God showed Himself more, through the highest and the lowest times.

some time earlier in the middle of sem 1 '06, i came across this song that i had in my comp, Find Us Faithful. an old song BUT it was pretty inspiring. it reminded me a lot of OCF. i remember when i just joined. and learning about ownership. listening to stories of the past OCFers and what they've done. and bleeding and sweating for OCF. being broken down. being moulded. holding each other by a thread to run on. building the foundation with joanne, gillian and richard to prepare for EXCO. richard always says, let it echo into eternity.
and people come and go. that's the cycle of OCF.

i would not say i was always at my best. i always wonder whether i was faithful to God and did i do enough in my capacity then? i hope i didn't miss out anything He wanted to teach me.

in my insecurities, questions and regrets, i hear God whispers quietly, 'My timing is perfect. whether you have done enough or not in human terms, I have planned that and am in total control. I see. not humans see. in what you did and did not do, I am doing the final measure.'

Find Us Faithful
by Steve Green

v1
We're pilgrims on the journey
Of the narrow road
And those who've gone before us line the way
Cheering on the faithful, encouraging the weary
Their lives a stirring testament to God's sustaining grace

v2
Surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses
Let us run the race not only for the prize
But as those who've gone before us
Let us leave to those behind us
The heritage of faithfulness
Passed on through godly lives

chorus:
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
May the fire of our devotion light their way
May the footprints that we leave
Lead them to believe
And the lives we live inspire them to obey
Oh may all who come behind us find us faithful

v3
After all our hopes and dreams have come and gone
And our children sift through all we've left behind
May the clues that they discover
And the memories they uncover
Become the light that leads them
To the road we each must find

preparing the way...

i have to say that as i was readapting and seaching around for jobs, enquiring here and there, a lot of new stuff comes out. learning about procedures, what's this agency, what's this type of jobs that sounds so good but means something else (haha), learning how much time does a working person has in malaysia and what is a typical week like.

and i got much help from the OCFers who are already back here in malaysia. and i was thinking, imagine if they didn't go back. God put them back for a reason. and i saw many ways and just how wonderful God works. God brought them back for His personal growing of them, and also much later, for those that are going to come back: me.

they have went through their ways and in a way, are preparing the way for others who will be coming back. its never the end.

just as they have prepared the way and helped me, so i will do the same as well for those who will be coming.

at church...

after going through telling people that i have come back for-Ever and got a job, i went for service and lots thoughts came to my mind. after coming home, i am in the process of settling down, readapting, refreshing the memory, getting the job, filling my time, finding out things here and there.

just as i try to be faithful, God is faithful and has already shown me His faithfulness even more.

some quote, my quote...

'All great plans are just great plans until its worked upon to be great works.'
-William Kwong-

i may have read something similar somewhere. but i was talking to john and somehow in the sentence i typed that. and oh, cool... sounds like a great quote or big wisdom. haha...

but it mostly reflects me that i dream a lot, has lots of great or crazy plans/ideas (or so i think it is), but i never carry it out.
its either, i didn't do it.
or procrastinated and so didn't do it in the end.
or did a bit but got too hard/troublesome and so didn't do it.
or did it but didn't send it off.
or talk only but didn't do it.
and the times that i had worked on them, it was great. it was worth all the effort.

slowly, i had to build it up. and establish that dream/idea within myself and know how much i want it. and if i want it so much, i'll have work on the amount that is required or more.

work?

Praise God!!! it's confirmed now. i have a job now. i can't post where, just in case, because of the latest news reports about employers reading employees blogs and so employees got into lots of trouble.

only 6 weeks home and i've got a job already. and this weekend is only my 6th weekend. How Great Is Our GOD. it is really God's grace and blessings. i must really remember that and not just talk for now only.

i will start on 2nd october. so i have one week of 'holidays' left. haha... got to finish my project by then. got an extended dateline.
well, its a start now. there is so much to learn. this is only a first step.

happy? of course i am.
joyful? yes i am again.
scared? yes. got to raise 100% alertness in the world now. cannot be so nice now.
amazed? again and again of God.
questions? yes. there are still some bits that i still question about.

i remember how edward told me he applied to only one job and he got it and when jessica (ocf canberra) said she was only one month back before getting a job, i was quite amazed... and really wondered how it could happen.

now i know. God.

counting weeks.....

well, counting the weeks just like uni weeks. i think its week 6 that i'm back here already. there were lots of things to do at first. but now, lesser. and i have to find things to do. so been practising the piano again and now with the youth groups guitar, and also working on a project. just to keep me going.

God is great. He has been. He always will. He granted me job interviews very fast and even a job. though things did get complicated (it is still as i'm typing now), i have to pray a lot and also decide. there is risk, money, career prospects and more to consider.

why is life so complicated? haha... a common cry of the human heart.
whenever things look bad, or when i feel down, i always have to keep falling back on one thing : that God had pointed me home.

singapore...

last weekend (9th Sept), 2 cars of KL people went down to singapore. it was definitely great. it took a while to get accustom to the people around me. from being the one of the seniors in adelaide, now i'm the youngest back again. and when i was catching up, i got to refresh my memory to when did they return. and it varies from 6 months to 2 years. and it seemed as though it was yesterday that i saw fannie left in mid '04.

there's so much more to learn from them and a very different view too. not that the advices that i got from my seniors in adelaide are not good. its just that the advice from the returnees in malaysia, is different because it is different in malaysia.

they shared their experiences, from their initial return to getting a regular time-plan each week. and i do start to feel the drag. man, i really respect the returness that return to malaysia or their respective countries. they deserve respect.

the way down was really an adventure. i was the only guy in this car and also the only uni adelaide on that trip. the uni SA people are really close to each other.

we left about 8-9pm and halfway down, someone had left the passport. so we didn't turn back but went to johor to look for a bus terminal. got lost looking for the bus terminal. waited a while to ensure the person's safety. really prayed for safety. the person got back to KL safely and took a bus back down to singapore.

after that, we got lost getting out of the bus terminal and trying to find our way to singapore. reaching singapore, we got lost again trying to find location A that was set as a meeting point. after lots of frustration and helplessness, we found orchard road, stopped there, and called others to pick us up there. the time we finally reached our respective homes? 3.30 a.m.

we had lunch with aunty merrilyn. and with her limited time, she wisely divided her time to spend significant time with everyone (about 12 of us). while she went for the singapore alumni meeting, we did some shopping. had dinner with aunty merrilyn and later proceded to kevin's house.

at his house, more catch-up's and aunty merrilyn had a heart for kevin's grandmother. she shared about Jesus and prayed for kevin's grandmother. we sang Christian songs with richard leading jin jia ho. haha... a jewelled moment.

it was great to be able to meet aunty merrilyn and say a proper goodbye and tell her about the wonderful'ness of God. and fannie shared how refresing it is to see aunty merrilyn again.

greater?

How Great is Our God!

after i sent the email to danny, that day itself i got a call from another bank for an interview on thursday. and so went for it, and it went well. this 2nd bank has only 2 levels of interview.
haha.. and this second bank, keep asking me about this SAS (stats) software that i used in uni. i couldn't really remember everything and also the statistical terms. and only to find out later, that they are using that same software in the bank. check that out!

and today (friday), got call from the 1st bank to proceed onto the 3rd level interview on monday. and later, a call from the 2nd bank for the 2nd level interview on tuesday.

wow... i'm just amazed at the paths. and to hear of ben getting a job as well. wonderful...
and my aunt just called me to say that she has friends in banks and will ask them about any openings in those banks. interestingly her friends are each in 3 or 4 different banks. haha...

however, the highlight!

going down with fannie + phoebe + others + me in one car tonight to singapore. its a small gathering or elvin said its big, to see aunty merrilyn tomorrow on sat. will be there on friday night till sunday night. its plus other older (+ older) ocfers. so, i'm the youngest baby, clocking in only 1 month back home...
daryl and the others will be going down in other cars.
do pray for safety in the journey for the friday night cars and saturday morning cars. coming back is also sunday night and monday morning... thank you...

how nice... this trip is marking my 1st month back home.
man, its only one month and i felt like 4 months passed?

wonderful, magnificent God!

how great...

How GREAT Is Our GOD!

my interview with the agency has 4 levels. 2 levels with the agency, the other 2 with the company.

the interview on monday was only the 1st level. i went there to present myself and also to sit for a personality test. the personality test is sent to the company. if personality don't fit, then too bad. of course, counting in the short interview as well.

and on the day itself, they called me back to come in today (tuesday) for the group discussion. 8.45 a.m. till 1 pm. (the amount of people taking the LRT during peak period, in short, just don't do it. i waited 20 minutes (to hustle and bustle) just to get into the train.)

the day started off with an essay test, to test written and analytical skills. and later during the group discussion, we were to present our individual top 10 points and later a group discussion to decide our top 10 points.

and they were observing EVERYTHING. while the presenter was presenting, they were observing my eye contact on the presenter and my sitting posture! even the way i walked up to present.

and i, not knowing anything, just being myself suddenly found out about all these stuff. and i just got through like that.
and now, i think about the 3rd level assessment, okay... there's something to be nervous about. but again, i'm knowing, this is God's hands. i can only do my part and be true to myself and God.

its ALL God's Grace and Blessings and Guidance.
nothing else...
i did nothing except prepare what i can and pray for peace, faith and guidance.

when i found out i pass the 2nd level and onto the 3rd, i was like, 'sai mm sai (need or not need) ah... God, so fast?'
there were 5 of us. only me and another girl made it. was like survivor series.
i also found out, in the past 1-2 weeks, they were interviewing 20 people a day and none of them got through.

How Great is Our God!

its not a job offer yet though i've made it this far. the 3rd level is with the company. they will call me to decide when the 3rd interview is. the 3rd interview has a one day assessment of the 20 selected by the agency (out of about 300), having a game, and a tough group discussion again.

i don't know how many the company will be choosing. but this 3rd level has 4 branch managers and 4 HR managers observing this time, compared to just 3 observing in the agency.

got to prepare and do what i can. i believe even if i do get the job, its going to be a tough job. it is in one of the top banks. KL.
got to research on the bank and check out a lot of stuff.

whether i get the job or not, that's for God to point and give. i will just do my best.

How Great is Our God! ALL Glory to God!
that is the sweetness of God. and it is only this far. what more to come...
it's my first interview.

slipping...

phew... its been 2 weeks and 4 days now.
and it really felt that a long long time has passed.

i thought i needed to renew my social visit visa in singapore cause i thought 2 weeks was up when only one week was up.

today it rained so heavily since 7 in the morning and it hasn't stopped since. there was a 10 step gap between the building and the car shelter. and that gap was enough to drench me even though i sprinted through that little gap.
welcome back to the heavy rains... wondering how it is in KL. there should be reports of flooding if this happens.

starting to lose discipline. forgetting to pray. spirits waver. staying up for no reason. delaying finding things to do. i do wake up at 7 each day to send my father to work and didn't need to sleep. but after a 2-3 days, i knock out after i come back or in the afternoon.
trying to make sure my time is not wasted and remains productive.

i have been applying for jobs. and yay! i got an interview on monday 4th sept. will head back to KL by bus on sunday. and aunty merrilyn is coming to singapore on the 8-9th sept. and i'm in KL. but not to worry, daryl and the old ocfers are driving down to singapore and i'm in their little tour. will be together with the old singaporeans as well.

and i'm not so good with maintaining relationships. need to work on it lots. daryl and that group, didn't know i was back cause i didn't tell them. so they thought i got deported. i must make more effort to maintain such relationships built. it requires a lot of effort and time.

the queues here at the post office is crazy. cards and stuff are not easy to be sent.crazily crazy. now i appreciate the Uni's post office very much. so easy.

ooo... and its independence day... maybe i shouldn't be typing stuff about malaysia's post office management...

When I Let It Go...

just one of the great songs that i have. i didn't listen to it at first. as usual, it was just a tune until i am in that position.

When I Let It Go
by Sierra

This time I have to trust You
I've got to accept Your plan
I have tried to guide my circumstance
But there's just no way I can

When will I learn this lesson
Your ways are not like mine
Lord, help me to surrender
The control I try to have on my life

CHORUS:
When I let it go
You take my hand
And gently lead me
Then You let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never ending blessings
Like a river start to flow
When I let it go

Too many times I'm searching
For the things I think I need
But when I try to look for more
I always seem to give You less of me

Lord help me gain the wisdom
My foolish mind still lacks
'Til I find a way to let go
Of the part of me I'm holding back

holding on and letting go...

my thoughts runs back to adelaide many times. and many times also, i remember the advises about holding on and letting go. 'to move on, you got to let go.' quoted from joanne kiu.

in boys brigade, i love obstacle courses and there is a particular obstacle where you got to pull yourself up with the rope. try to picture this.
hanging on to a rope with one hand, is tough enough. it uses a lot of strength. but be thankful that the rope is big.

if it was a string that i was holding on to with one hand, doing that uses a lot of strength and furthermore, because it is a thin string, it would cut through my hand and cause pain as well.

when letting go, i got to let go of all of it.
if i hold on, and its a large amount(a rope), it uses a lot of strength on the heart and mind. it is bad enough.
and if its little(a string), its worse cause it uses a lot of strength and it causes pain as well. here, its worse.

everything. not a single bit left.
but there are some things that are very hard to let go. not that i can't let go, its just hard. though i made sure i let go before i left, i may have held a little bit. at times later, it comes back up, knowing that i didn't let go but had that small thread that cuts. its 'some' things.
its a sickening feeling.

many times i wonder did i do enough, or did i fall short of possible standards?
and when i hear of things in adelaide, i go, 'crap! i could have done something or i could have done that. why am i back here?'
how true what ray advised.
'leave your regrets and burdens in adelaide. have a fresh start. take only the things you've learnt and memories.'

after some while...

i have to say much has happened in the past 2 weeks, or to be more exact, one week and 5 days.
its true in a way that i got to rest when i came back. but still having the fast paced life.

haven't been able to post cause, yeah, didn't have the mood to sit down and type. most of the time, i'm running around and my updates on email seems to be more detailed. it'll be like a repeat if i post.

thank you for the prayers and uplifting me into God's hands. i haven't been able to sit down and do stuff properly yet. a bit lost in terms of direction. there are the options of malaysia or singapore. drawing datelines and time line. am in singapore now. its nice here, just that the haze is doing some bad stuff.
being the driver and house cleaner of the house.

i am feeling the effects more and more now.
and thank you for those who have been updating me. it brings joy to see people continuing on, giving and growing.

past thursday to saturday...

i have to say, there is a lot to type. so many things. i'll be writing them down in the journal first.

thursday till saturday was as packed as it can be. thursday, i spent the morning packing the boxes and kind of rushing. had lunch which was greek food with handy and shelley. the afternoon was spent packing too. and had dinner with a family friend and the family. an aussie dinner to remember. at the night, spent time talking with people and also did the last of the packing much later at night.

friday morning, went to the shipping place, Baggage Masters. got 3 boxes. handy helped me. and later in OCF, played for the last time. and they wrote and presented a song to me. it was meaningful. i'll always remember. it's on wai kong's blog, though just the chorus part. thank you very much. it means a lot to me. one of the memorable farewell gifts.

saturday morning was a meeting with the landlady to do a transfer of the tenancy to arthur. took quite long, but not as long as doing the house inspection and stuff. in the afternoon, went to church for worship practise and choir practise, then went for cell group. that was my church's farewell for me. i really miss them too. its small but got to know each other much better. and the congregation has been growing. and now that i'm going home, all the more, its their time to serve, grow and glorify God.

later was a farewell at yoshimi's house (note: apologies in the highest order for those i may have missed out or didn't invite. i had to be selectful because of space constraints. i'm sorry if i missed out anyone. 6 days was challenging).
the farewell was wonderful. to see the people there, and i really wanted to express my gratitude so much. ALL of you have impacted me and blessed my life as well.

and a gift of a kolaj (no idea how to spell) of photos. thank you so much yoshimi and joannies. it really is a highlight. a precious gift. it means a lot to me also.
and to the guys, 'ha' 'ha'. very funny with the powder and Permanent marker pens. i still got a bit of scribblings left. ian's name is quite hard to scrub off. well, these things comes around. i'm going to find out the culpritS. hahaha...
thanks guys for the memories. seriously.

3 days...

phew! 3 days. been really packed. packed to the max.
but it is time well spent.

have been meeting people whenever i can. making sure i didn't lose time as well. nearly forgot to pay for my flight ticket. terrible.

monday and tuesday, did lots of admin stuff and also meet up with people. i'm really thankful for the people that God put in my life. i know its no mere coincidence or luck or chance that i'm here and that they are here as well.

today evening, had dinner with my oldies, which would be your grand-oldies (they are so going to get me). i'm really glad. the little bits of words of wisdom that i can get from them when i return. things to hold on to, things to let go, things to keep.

it is a fragile time. but i keep repeating, must be obedient to God, must be obedient to God. mentally and emotionally stretched. can't sleep properly. tired. but i try to pray more. to pray meaningfully.

i am quite a skeptic. hard to convince. and God knows that. and so He shows me very clearly, that He wants me home = with only one way left (no need convincing). and not many, so that i can't go, if this, if that, if whatever else.

i do have some questions here and there. and there are things that are hard to let go. things that are close to my heart.
but truly, God, in some ways, has been showing me bits here and there, to things that i am lacking and need to learn. and the best and fastest place to learn is by going back home. God is not done with me yet.

i'm beginning to understand a returnee more and more.

home...

called back sunday. it is confirmed. i am going home.
my uncle is unable to sponsor me. its not his fault that he don't want. its just circumstances. so don't blame him. i'm dependent on him. he's not the bad guy.

God is closing the door. but for now. its not forever. but i have to say, after some time settling back home, uprooting is going to be painful again.
God's moving me back home? why? God will tell me why in time to come, just like how He did when i first came here. (saying this painfully)

august 13th, this sunday.

i want to apologies first if i miss out meeting anyone. especially my oldies.
and that's also if i can call everyone before i go home and not call from malaysia.
6 days is very little time.

its a turmoil in the heart and mind. getting hard to sleep.
but i must be obedient to God. there is something or things that He wants me to learn.
and to pray and be thankful for the time and people here.

i don't deny that it is very painful. very. draining me a lot. and it is a lot of things to clear up. its 80% pain and 20% others. amidst the pain, trying very hard to commit to God and not be bitter or angry or anything else.

i thank you for the wishes and time spent. i'm sorry if i can't go out with everyone.

updates...

how many things can happen in a week?

answer = a lot. especially when everything that happens to you counts.

my emotions as a melancholic does not help me though the thinking side did help.
pretty much graduation was on monday. it was great. the day before, i got the gown from uni and was playing with it with my parents and family friend (aunty) and her family. let her wear the gown, and my mother too. so she graduated also.
i'm really touched by the people that came. i know i invited but its not an invitation thing at the same time. these are people that crossed my life and impacted in some ways, big and small. and i know my 'seniors' and same-age buddies are busy in their respective disciplines and i'm sure they would come if they could.

on the day itself, i went to see an agent. and while talking to him, bla bla bla... bla bla bla bla.... then no problem. you can apply.
what? i can? sure? and right now, there is a chance that i can stay. but i am dependent on my uncle to whether he is able to provide the necessary documents. if he can't provide enough or even one, its a go back home then. i'll be calling home sunday night to confirm things.

and so, monday was 'william's day' hahaha...
it rattles emotions again + confusion. but the week of emotional waves and emotionally cutting off and preparing to leave, it was important. now when i decide to stay, it is not for superficial reasons (though it is important). it is clearer now to see what steps that i should, could and would take in undertaking a career, be it australia or malaysia (or singapore).

one thing that never failed is God's faithfulness. was in melbourne on tuesday. learnt about the lifestyle from a few friends and got to meet up with ee leon. what a blessing! my discipler and counsellor to possible paths in the future. and a book i bought for him last time when he graduated, haha... i need it now.

friday morning i came back and prepared some stuff and straght to OCF. the people and worship blew me away again. it is a happy thing to see familiar faces and happier still to worship together with them.
the message also prompts us to think, why do we believe?

and IELTS test today. i wonder whether i can score 9 out of 9. haha. but i don't think so. my mind went dreaming a bit during the listening test and it was tricky. during the speaking, i kind of panicked in the last 3rd of the session and was starting every sentence with 'and'.

turmoil in the head...

uni has started, and i have no uni. i do feel lost. its a transitionary period. a different one this time.

its a weird thing, that you'll only understand a returnee when you are one. a very weird feeling indeed.

i don't think i'll hide it any longer though it is still uncertain. the past few days have been a turmoil in the head for me. and being sick doesn't really help me emotionally. i have to tell that my PR things aren't looking too good, as in the requirements. i thought i could but when looking at it the second time, i can't.

so my visa runs out on august 15. i am seeing a migration agent now, to see what options i have. he is assessing me now. and i have to decide (if there are options). other things are also on my mind. its going to be really difficult to leave. argghhh!

i'm grateful for the people that God placed around me. got to talk with my seniors, yvonne and elvin, and they supported me and encouraged me. going back is not bad. its the sudden uprooting and things that may not happen. thank you for the seniors that He placed with me.
need faith in God. its a big test. turmoil in the head. its not just me alone walking.

i looked at Jeremiah 29:11. used very often. but i read on. and yeah, call upon God. pray. God will listen. and we WILL find God. God granted me peace and put people around me. thank you for those who have listened and been with me. i'm really grateful. its not easy at all.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
'11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

holidays...

the holidays have been good. while waiting for results, watched world cup with friends in peter's house. watched movies. had friends over for dinner. church. OCF. games in friends house. got to know lots of people better.

and when my results came out, it is truly God that grant me the results. i did do my part and the rest is up to God. and for those who know me since 2nd year, who would have thought where i'll be now? going through the ups and downs and many uncertainties. and i've graduated. graduation is on 31st july. monday. 10-11.30am. everyone's invited to come at 11.30 after the ceremony ends. i think that's the time it ends.

to have come this far, i can only say that it is God who brought me through. it has been a crazy crazy journey. the disappointments, the lessons, the times. God really placed people around me, brothers and sisters in Christ. and don't think those younger didn't impact me either. they did in their own ways.

have been preparing things for my parents when they come. one of the big things is cleaning the house. but done already. so the house looks good and is clean.

Last Words

i read this in the book, 'Man in the Mirror' by Patrick Morley.
and before i posted it, i went and did an extra check online to see if it was Napoleon's last words.

it was the topic 'How can a man change?' and the section about last words.
---
the last words or late-in-life words of men are fascinating. Men's last words often betray that the positions they took and the priorities they lived by early in their lives didn't satisfy their longing for meaning and purpose. some men attain great esteem in this world - their accomplishments are significant in the eyes of men. but at the end of their lives, how many of these men rest in peace? how many of these men satisfy that deep hunger each of us has for purpose, meaning and significance?

there were some examples. but i'll just type Socrates and Napoleon's.

Socrates' last words were:
'All for the wisdom of this world is but a tiny raft upon which we must set sail when we leave this earth. if only there was a firmer foundation upon which to sail, perhaps some divine word.'

Napoleon's last words were:
'I die before my time and my body shall be given back to the earth and devoured by worms. What an abysmal gulf between my deep miseries and the eternal Kingdom of Christ. I marvel that whereas the ambitious dreams of myself and of Alexander and of Caesar should have vanished into thin air, a Judean peasant - Jesus - should be able to stretch his hands across the centuries, and control the destinies of men and nations.'

---

Praise and Worship night...

praise and worship night? it was also an evangelistic night. the title? 'Who Is He?' and there was narration and 2 sessions of worship. kind of arranged them to Part 1 and Part 2.

it went well.
do you know how much we prayed? on thursday, we had already practised one round and it really wore us down trying to prefect some parts. and to give a one last practise as a final rehearsal later was like, 'um... i don't think so' type of feeling. but we prayed. there was the need to pray. and we offered it to God. every bit. that was what was needed.
the refreshment of spirit is so needed and God needs to pour His cooling waters on us. we need to follow Him when He makes us lie down on green pastures and leads us beside still waters to restore our souls.

i have to say i'm busy. busy running around that is. and i think i'm losing some footing. feeling a bit directionless also. yeah, its kind of a weird thing lah to have experienced a good night and then still feel out of place and odd.

i remember in one of the Christian Men books i read, was that: Every man has his price. this was in reference to all sorts of temptation and i would say to many other things as well. an example is that, given the right circumstances, the right settings, the right time, the right 'reasoning' of the thoughts in the mind, a man will fall to that temptation.
Every man also has his own fear and weak link that would cause their faith to shake.

i have to say that something in the past days kind of hit straight to the heart about something i fear. not really fear but kinds of shakes me. its kind of getting personal, but forgive me cause i won't tell much. it shook my faith a bit and had me questioning again why i sacrifice and serve God and had me doubting about me carrying my cross for God.

it's a disturbing thought lah. but i helps me reallign myself. a wake up call, it would be called. a sign to check my bearings. i would be asking some older people about this. there's only so much wisdom i have.

For Only One

how valuable are we in God's eyes?
how valuable is one in God's eyes?

Matthew 18:12-14
'12 "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.'
its also in Luke 15:3-7 where the parable is told.

(sorry to spoil the reading, but this kind of sucks when you can't hear the music of the song)

For Only One

Words and music by Ray Boltz and Steve Millikan

A simple gospel message
In a little church one day
Touched the heart of one
Who listened
As the congregation prayed
There'd been an invitation
Inviting all to come
But kneeling down to pray
Was only one

CHORUS:
For only one
He would have suffered
And given up His life
For only one
He'd have borne the shame
And made the sacrifice
For God so loved the whole world
He gave His only Son
But I believe
He'd have done the same
For only one

Now some may say, Why bother
With only one or two?
But Jesus knows the feeling
When the only one is you
So if you hear Him calling
Don't be ashamed to come
Even if you're the only one

CHORUS

For only one
He would have died for only one
You are the one

1992 Word Music (a div. of Word, Inc.), Shepherd Boy Music (adm. by Word, Inc.) and Weedom

I Think I See Gold

this was one of the songs that brought me through this semester.
seriously, i was always wondering, how long more?

and its not just about the finishing line. going back to 2004 when everything crumbled, i had no idea what was happening. the only thing i could do was push forward through the years and not know what was happening. and after pushing for 2 years, there are still doubts of what if its not the end at this semester? what if i have to continue even more? what for? why?

this song spoke a lot to me. honestly, i thought it was just some song about riches but listening to it brought me spirit. i looked at myself and wondered, what gold? is there any possibility to still have gold? i would not know. i only know to just push and persevere. what gold? that would be for God to show me.

I Think I See Gold
- Ray Boltz -

Words by Ray Boltz, Music by Steve Millikan and Ray Boltz

I see you struggling every day
You think, How long
Can I go on this way?
On and on
Again and again
Oh, when will it end?

You think, I just can't go on
Much longer
But inside, my friend,
Your faith is growing stronger
You feel the fire burning
Deep in your soul
But I want you to know

CHORUS:
I think I see gold
I think I see gold in the fire
Right there in the ashes
Is all you've desired
Oh, it's hard
As you press toward the goal
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't stop now
I think I see gold

Until this moment
You've always believed
When life grew darkest
By faith you could see
Open your eyes
Look for the light
You see, you were right

These lonely hours
Like a fire refining
Something that's precious
Something that's shining
There in the darkness
Surrounded by coals
Is starting to glow

1992 Word Music (a div. of Word, Inc.), Shepherd Boy Music (adm. by Word, Inc.) and Weedom

just a nail?

in another part of 'Finishing Strong' by Steve Farrar,

- an old parable told by a Haitian pastor -
A certain man wanted to sell his house for $2,000. Another man wanted to buy it very badly, but he was a poor man and didn't have the full price. After much bargaining, the owner agreed to sell the house to the man for $1,000. But the reduced price came with a stipulation (condition). the owner would sell the house, but he would keep ownership of a large nail protruding from over the front door.

Several years later, the orginal owner decided he wanted to buy the house back. Understandably, the new owner was unwilling to sell. As a result, the original owner went out, found a carcass of a dead dog in the street and hung it from the nail he still owned. Soon the house became unlivable and the family was forced to sell the owner of the nail.'

the pastor concluded the story: "if we leave the devil with even one small peg in our life, he will return to hand his rotting garbage on it."

Ephesians 4:25-27
'25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.'

the moulding ....

Ephesians 4:30-32
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

here's a story...
a young man who was having a significant ministry in a small English village many years ago. people were coming from miles around to hear him teach the Scriptures. in his midtwenties, he had a voracious appetite for not only teaching the Scriptures but knowing them as well. He was making an impact in the village and the surrounding area. Until the charges were made.

a young woman came forward and claimed that he had tried to force himself upon her sexually. the word spread like wildfire across the country-side. he was finished. the sentiments of the people were with the young girl. his reputation was in shambles. And it was all a lie. it simply never happened.

the young man struggled deeply with the betrayal of the young woman whom he had legitimately tried to help. but she had turned on him and was in the process of ruining his ministry for life. he thought he would never recover. how could he ever minister again anywhere with such charges against him?

bitterness just about overwhelmed him. the betrayal was too much. he couldn't bear it and he couldn't undo it. but with God's help, he refused to allow that bitterness to take root in his heart. God enabled him to conquer the bitterness just as Joseph(in the Bible) had conquered it. the falsely accused young man thought he would never again be used by God.

but there are millions of people who can vouch for that fact that Oswald Chambers was greatly used of God before it was all over. to this day his book, My Utmost for His Highest, tops the Christian bestseller list.

of course its not about the top Christian bestseller list. from the book, 'Finishing Strong' by Steve Farrar, this topic was about bitterness. if anyone has a valid reason for being bitter, one would be Joseph (in Genesis) and another, Jesus (our Lord). they experience betrayal straight to their hearts and look at their reactions...

victorious?

well, the paper went well. i hope i didn't make any careless mistakes. it was a challenge to be writing nonstop and adhering to formats. i guess now is just waiting for results. but it's good :)

a journey of ups and downs. the taste of perseverance as it matures is... i dunno... sweet? i think i'm more of feeling mellow (softened) into some super reflective mode, thinking about my past years studying.

i think i will want to record down everything that has happened and also more of what i have learned through the years. i think it is important to record down. more of a journal. it is important to record down. i'm afraid i may forget what i have learned. then it would be a waste of going through those pains.

honestly, many times i look back, wondering whether i could have done without those pains, why did it happen and could i have done better? those feelings of regrets and just wondering why... and when i think again, things would be pretty different if i didn't have those pains. even more, if i didn't persevere.

it is by faith in God that i persevered. nothing else. God took away the surface and unnecessary stuff which i deem important to strengthen my foundations.
How Great is our God!

one more step...

oh man... seriously got to press down the excitedness and remind myself that it is not yet over. shucks! i'm not that strong mentally though it is building up. must try to be like Dr. Xavier.

the second paper went well. haha... told you bruce that the question may come out. i wanted to finish the paper in 1 hour for the fun of it. then no lah... took more time for all the questions. it was do-able. though some multiple choice questions, i did not know but just did the long way around to cut out some answers and increase the chances to 50/50. dream a little here and there...

just one more paper tomorrow... wah... similar feeling to when there was easter camp. just had to cut down all emotions to focus. and besides, it is one day. just ONE more. let the perseverance process mature...