Sunday, February 24, 2008

what comes after frankness?

i was sitting down a yesterday trying to post. but i was stumped. what do i write after i've been frank?

1) thank you.
- thank you to Edward, G and Derek who've written down encouragements and prayers. for Yvonne who called me up. as of today, i feel much better. my eyes were more open these past few days. i could see glimpses of God's hand a bit here and there.

2) clarify.
- my words may be harsh, or some may deem exaggerated, but they are true. and its not just the working world, but also church (any surprises?). that's why it can be more hurtful. that's why loving and forgiving each other is even harder. but i still have good brothers and sisters who care.

3) apologies.
- apologies if anyone got depressed or affected or um... traumatised? (you'll never know). i have no attempts to scare anyone. or perhaps i should have a warning clause: 'Read at your own risk. depressive stuff coming'.
but hey, i'm being frank.

4) more frankness.
- perhaps disappointments and pointless-ness in energy and efforts have pulled me down. i have the faithfulness and efforts which seem small against the trials banging on me.
i know i tried. and a lot of things happened; good and bad. but the million dollar question now is, what am i going to do about it?
well, i'll just have to get up again. take the steps one by one again. its not over. its only the start of life as working and studying and church.

5) my health.
- i was so dizzy at work on friday morning. i collapsed on friday at work. when i saw it was 12, i just KO'ed on my table. my colleagues bought me lunch. very nice of them. i ate, but i felt even worse. now, i am dizzy and i feel like puking any time. talk about humour, i found that funny.
during the weekday, i was in the middle of being sick and healing, but still push hard to work and study, and well, shouldn't have done that. so i slept and rested in this weekend, but am still dizzy. went to see the doctor again for the 3rd time in 11 days, so got some medicine.

6) the future.
- let's see what happens... :)

7) thank you. (not typo)
- thank you again, Edward, G, Derek (who i do not know) and Yvonne.
(what's your blog Derek?)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


what frankness?

i know that i haven't post on the blog.
i also know WHY i haven't post on the blog.
phsyical excuses of no time, of busy-ness, of no inspiration, of tired-ness, of least of priorities are of the smallest percentages.
they DO count. physically that is.
and how easy it is to hide it with the physical-ness of things. easy to paint the flurry of wonderful activities and heap praises. but they are just mere escapades from the current reality.

i cannot blog because i don't dare to be honest. i want to be honest to write things, but to be honest, would be writing about:
- the deceitfulness of the environment of working.
- to be living in the demands and expectations of others.
- to be giving and not being given.
- to be sacrificing and having your own friends critisize you for sacrificing. and worst, to have it go to waste.
- and when you can't sacrifice, you're critisized even more.
- to be smiling and treating others with love and respect when they themselves can treat you like trash.
- they allow themselves to treat you like trash but you can't retaliate.
- where their mistakes are always forgiven, but yours must be punished.
- the amount of expectations. growing up watched by the world. every word is measured, every movement is judged.
- to have no dreams, but the dreams of others.
- where results only matters and righteousness and care does not.

i get jealous of other's blogs. their life is wonderful due to the fact that the environment permits it. they are able to write about and do so many wonderful things.
i am ashamed that i could not carry out or give or sacrifice or be what i was in adelaide towards others back here. i am unable to be a good example of a returnee to those younger than me. i tried. i tried so hard.
OCF returnee, that's what i am.

i tried but i couldn't. i am unable to bring about the good change. unable to impact lives. unable to care. unable to be honest. unable to sacrifice. unable to serve. unable to lead. i am ashamed that i can't blog good or wonderful pictures. i'm only able to write melancholic depressiveness on some realities for truth.

calling God on long-distance telephone. reading the Bible but nothing goes in. can't remember scriptures. Bible facts are going down the drain. my piano skills are dropping. music? what music! there's no new music to be written. no new music in the heart.
i am unable to feel God's presence. i am unable to see God's hand in movement. i am unable to hear what God is speaking. i am unable to see God speak through the Bible. i ask. i keep asking God. i try to hear. i was still. i try to let the Bible speak to me. i am waiting earnestly. waiting.

i try to make the best of everything and learn through the disappointments and hurt, persevere through the storms, keep the discipline, look towards God, ministering to others. but the voice of spririt, the eyes of eagerness, discipline, faith, focus, God's strength; it disappears through time. perhaps too many arrows on a broken shield.

the many dreams disappear because the environment and timing does not permit it at all. looking into the future? not even the future.
my thoughts always fly back, hey! return to Adelaide where at least no one judges you and are appreciated. or a word of thank you. where others would help, encourage, rebuke and advise you. where others understand the purpose and passion of doing things.

it may be dramatic of me to be enlarging or hyping up the littlest blessings i have. but what can i do when there's only so few that i have. true friends? too few. too far.

i remember myself, as a student, wondering why the returnees are dropping, and i wanted not to be one.
ha ha. i look at myself now. now i know. now i understand.

but what is keeping me going? hope. hope and faith. there is some hope. there is some faith. that carrying the cross with arrows flying everywhere, is just for now. the results for sacrifice and righteousness does not show instantly or obviously. it is a quiet big effect in the future.

joanne chew (mrs.kiu) told me, be strong. G foo tells me, keep going on. danny tells me, have faith like Abraham. i can't remember what others said.

i have to say that i feel stupid at times going on. going on for what?
well, just trying to go on with some truth keeping my pants up, some salvation keeping my head sane, some faith quenching the arrows, some righteousness letting me push forward, a small dagger of the Spirit... i can't remember the rest.

frank. that's frank.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

december 07 edition...

this is just so weird. i typed the draft on the 31st of dec for a wrap up of the year. but yeah... i didn't get down to doing it. thank you to procrastination and a busy schedule, i type. but that's also skipping some studying time for CFA.
its a weird cycle. sit down to do one, procrastinate the other.

the beginning of december was Delwin and Gillian's wedding. reached at night.
and aunty Merrilyn was there at the airport. i didn't know she was coming. i didn't know that some from aust also flew back for the wedding. and taking AirAsia to Brunei, we were glad to see D & G and went to them, hugs and all. and so did the rest of the passengers. what the? but its true. most of the passengers on the same flight were relatives of D & G. both sides of the families were there to welcome both sides of the relatives.
weird... i guess not many people travel to Brunei (no offense... Del)

the wedding was just wonderful. walking down the aisle with the music of Carol Ann by Michael W.Smith, Gillian looked so radiant next to a proud father. and Delwin looked so good too... with tears. he cried. there's a picture of him in Gillian's blog. i guess that's what it means to be engulfed in emotions, overjoyed and overflowing with... hmm.. i can't find a word to describe it.

the OCFers were having a pew to ourselves. all were the working OCFers. during the dinner, i remembered the most was Gillian's father, making such a meaningful dedication to his daughter. categorizing it as a speech is a sacrilege. those were words from the heart, spoken from a loving father to his precious daughter.
the week later, there was a dinner at KL for those in Singapore and Malaysia who couldn't make it to Brunei. most OCFers flew back after convention to attend. Kenneth Kwan and Richard Poh was there.

i came back on sunday the 2nd. took leave on the 3rd. and worked for 2 days before going to my youth camp in Sepang. all the way till the 11th. i couldn't make it for D&G's dinner at KLCC because of the camp, but also because i drove back down from Sepang to Bangsar, for Justin and Sher Mayne's wedding. i made sure i went. and it was seriously seriously good.

this time, walking down the aisle to the song 'When God Made You' (duet), it was so touching. Justin cried. engulfed in emotions, overjoyed and you know the rest. met Danny, Reuben, Ee Ling and Melissa there, plus a few old schoolmates.

when the camp ended, phew, that was the end of my travels. from Melaka, to Brunei, to Sepang. try that. i thought i was on Discovery Travel and Adventure.
my colleagues thought i was crazy. i was only having a 2 day week for 3 weeks; meaning i worked 6 days in 3 weeks.

one of the highlights was being able to invite my colleagues to my house for Christmas. it was about 20+ people. it was raining heavily and they travelled far to get to my place. but all safe and sound and a bit wet. had the good food, and good fun, and gift exchange.

to top off the end of 2007, it was another wedding. on the 31st. it was Yvonne's sister's wedding. James and Michelle. Michelle is a wedding planner, and you surely can imagine how grand and organized the wedding was. i played the piano again at St. Andrews church.
words getting around about me playing for weddings and i seriously don't have time to practise. i practise at 11pm.-12am at home cause that's about when i come back home after work or classes.
my 4th wedding and its not the end yet. one more to go in mid january.