Sunday, November 28, 2004

Trust His heart

Trust His Heart
By Cynthia Clausen

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows what's best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just can't see Him,
Remember He's still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don't understand,
when you don't see His plan,
When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds our future in His hands.
So don't live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, He's weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

operation successful.

the operation was successful. the diseased organs were removed completely without complications. Now the fight is against the toxins that have gone into the blood stream. Even for humans this happens. It is call toximia.

the vet said that the tumor growth was in the last stage(puss and toxic) and they hope that the toxins is not too excessive in the blood stream. They are giving very strong antibiotice injection to Pepper. thank goodness it was removed successfully and in time.

my dog is recuperating now. yay!

Monday, November 22, 2004


i had a bad headache the whole day. probably caused by the strain on my mind, knowing that home is not well. went out and had time spent with the OCFers. dinner, Friends on tv, watched a movie. sorry to those that i offended in what i said. trying to be happy and put other things behind.

well, my mother updated me on the condition of my dog, Pepper.

its ovaries and uterus is full of puss and needs an operation to remove both the organs.

tomorrow at 8 a.m. they will take my dog for surgery. it is only a 50-50 percent chance of a success because my dog is quite old. at 7.30 p.m. an antibiotic and a vitamin injection was given to strengthen it for the operation. the operation costs RM 480.00.

i hope that the operation goes well. i pray.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

pull and stretch....

just icqed with my mother.

my father is not feeling well. sick. having palpitations. going on medication, but without enough rest, it won't make a difference. already had 3 busy weekends and not enough time to rest. mother says its pretty bad. my father took medicine and is just sitting on the chair, and waiting for the palpitations to stop. and still got to go to work tomorrow.

my mother is very tired and burnt out from housework, and having to take care of my father, and church work as well. my sister also having the same thing. just came back from a church retreat, and having to clean up the house, the car, my dog, my dog's food which was eaten by the crows and the crows messed up the whole patio and car. stupid crows. you'll see my catapult again when i come home. you will remember me.

my dog is dying. very sick. didn't eat for the past 5 days. too weak to move. having bleeding wastes. i think it is having some internal stomach bleeding. tomorrow it will see the vet, hopefully if it lives till tomorrow. and more. 10 years old. please don't die. let me see you alive when i come home.

Lord, strengthen me. i pray to You.

pray for me...

the end of Lincoln...

the time at lincoln has ended.

i see one of the last of my brothers in college leave. edward. for the first time, i realise, i'm alone now. there is no one to watch over me in case i go wrong. there is no one i can go to when i feel alone or sad or when i'm stressed. there's no room that i can go to now. there's no one i can go to for guidance. elvin and ee leon left, it wasn't so bad. now edward leaves. i really thank God for the people that He has placed around me and to forgive me if i took them for granted. i will really really miss him. i'm going to be crying like gillian already. i have seen this happen before for kenneth kwan and nickson and soke ling. but now i really feel the full force of it. someone who i have grew up with for 2 years in college.

college is so quiet now. people have left. OCFers have left also. the flights are all calling. right now, there are only 'leftovers' in college. the last few to leave. i see things ending for the year. i see my elder friends leaving. salvaging lots of stuff.

i will really miss college. the people. the friends. the guidance. the community. there is every side to it. i have learnt so much in lincoln. laughed, cried, played, celebrated birthday's, performed, played tricks, soccer, ping pong, foosball, pool, taught, guided, advised, helped, shared.

but times will change. as much as i don't like it, this is how it is. this is how OCF is. and how being overseas is. as much as there is the guidance, impact and happiness, there are also the struggles, pains and parting.

i will miss edward. i am missing edward. i miss my brother.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

tired, tired.....

exam ended. went to sleep. tired.

did my laundry. now i'm filled with chores. i really have to discipline myself to do all these chores cause its a personal responsibility.

went to the beach yesterday. it was fun. didn't go to the beach for so long. i even felt uncomfortable in the sea water. went with edward, richard loy, jun lin, yiing yiing and evelyn. played volleyball. build sand sculptors on edward , richard and yiing yiing. in between, had the dunking of me TWICE. and richard (though he actually fell by himself. good push edward). and a few attempts on edward. built a sandcastle though it looked more like a sand factory. was really exhausted after all that. went to the mandarin house to eat. and i think i got too much heat in my body. my head really feels odd. and i have been sleeping too much. maybe its the sun.

oh well, got to continue some stuff. so many people going home. will miss them. got a lot to catch up and get contacts.

Monday, November 15, 2004

it is finished...

i have sat for my last paper today.
it is over.

i have sat through 3 papers, though having so much fear. i know that i didn't go through this alone. it was with God's strength that i was able to go through all of that. i thank God, for calming my heart, granting me peace of mind, surrounding me with love and support from others.

i recently heard, that if you are going to sit for a paper, and you think you can't, there is an option under the compassion condition (to sit for supplementary papers) that you can tick. one of the compassion conditions can be on the basis because you have failed the previous papers and is too traumatised to sit for a paper again. i didn't know it was such big a thing till it's even put under compassion. i know i could relate to it.

i guess i never knew what i was facing. i never will cause i can't look into the future. all the more i should trust God to lead me. the months ahead, the years ahead. it will come. it's a matter of whether i am walking with God or not.

a valley may have ended, but the journey still continues...

Sunday, November 14, 2004

exam week...

had 2 papers already. it is near to the end of the war. one more week for uni adelaide and the exam week would be starting for uni SA.

i have one more to go. tomorrow. afternoon. my prayers to the other students as well.

adrian, andrew's brother, had a stroke. his whole left side was paralysed. seriously, it was devastating to hear of it. he is going to graduate at the end of the year. but i guess not, for now. he went for an open heart operation already. and praise God, all went well. and he is recovering now. many prayers to God have been for him. prayer chains and all. we uphold him into your arm, Lord.

life's course isn't straight. anything can happen. and someimes we think that it is so so so tough on us studying. but wake up! think again.

in times like these that we don not understand, this is where our faith should be ever more in God.

God will make a way
where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

Thursday, November 11, 2004

second paper...

i think i slacked quite a lot for the second paper, thinking that the first is done and i can relax now. but man, wrong.... so so wrong.... had to pay the consequences and stay up till so late in the morning, that is thursday morning. i had the stay up and then sleep tactic, and handy had the sleep first and wake up earlier tactic. dunno whose works. but i ended up 4-5 a.m. sleeping on the library (lincoln) table, 5-6 a.m. sleeping on the library floor and 6-7 a.m. sleeping on my bed in my room. well, i thought might as well stay up. but decided to take a short nap. then might as well lie down. then, man, i need the rest.

none of the past year questions came out. but it is answerable. there were the regrets. i hope i did ok. well, got to make sure i really prepare for the financial economics on monday. it's not a paper to be looked down upon. i wonder how everyone else is doing.

i hope they are doing alright. i'll hope to see them on friday tomorrow. want to ask them how they are doing. sigh, the need to choose wisdom over short-term enjoyment. to have wisdom over foolishness. having my leg injured will really put me out for a long time in sports. i realised i can now use that time to put more effort in practising my flute. and also rest.

fly... me up to where you are beyond the distant star... i wish upon tonight, to see you smile.... if only for a while to know you're there... a breath away's not far, to where you are...

and i believe in you, although you never ask me to.. i will remember you and what life put you through... and in this cruel and lonely world.. i've found one love... you're still you.. after all, you're still you...

Monday, November 08, 2004


well, had my knock out. was so tired. my focus of objects was also shaky. seriously had to sleep.

but before my exam this morning. i had lots of people smsing me. i was like, 'huh? another?'. but i'm really grateful for the support and care and concern of others. felt really touched, especially when going through that period of time. i had no idea what to feel. scared, or brave, or calm, or quick! give that last minute of study, or to claim victory, or to be confident. (hmm... must be thinking too much, but that was how i felt).

my father also said that if i still didn't feel too good, i can still call back anytime before my exam, if i still need comfort and encouragement. the support that i need.


'God allows life to be rocky. Stumbling blocks or stepping stones? You decide... May you be able to rise to the challenge.'
- Handy Goh No

'Hope is not a granted wish or a favour performed. It's far beyond that. It's a crazy and unpredictable dependence on a God who loves to suprise us. God bless! :)'
- Lai Kuan

'Keep perspective.'
- Danny Wong

'Romans 12:1-2. All the best for today. Give it your best! Hugs. -G-
-Gillian Foo

i really thank the many who supported me. it's something close to my heart.


swot week.

i spent the whole of last week in uni. coming back to college only to sleep. i didn't eat the meals or see my friends. only a few times. i nearly joined the phantom club in the college. that explains my one week of absence on the site. my exam was today in the morning.

on saturday night, i was in uni. early evening and i didn't feel so well. felt weak and feverish and cold. i didn't know what i was feeling. it was later on sunday night when i felt the same feeling again that i really found out what it was. it was fear.

fear. fear of not doing well. fear of not getting good results. the pressure of doing well amounts to its fullest. the trauma of the semester before. facing the same event that broke you down. a pivoting moment in your life. am i able to face it? fighting to avoid the same mistake. trying to be strong. to keep strong. to be wise and not let other things poke in the mind. the heart feels weak and the mind disturbed.

called home. cried, as the pressure is mounting. then went and study. and to remember to put all things in God's hands. kept calm. did my best though the worries and fear keep knocking on the door of my heart and mind. i just put it behind in God's hands.

sat for the paper. the paper was reasonable. not too tough. could do. i could do better. i can slowly start to smile. i hope i did ok, or hopefully more, did well. very tired at the moment. couldn't sleep last night. the only rest was because i kept still on the bed. haha... going to nap...*power shutdown*

Monday, November 01, 2004

daylight savings & the heart for others...

man, it is just one hour but it does kind of affect. maybe it's just peculiar me. was seriously like dizzy and no idea what happenned to me. want to study! want to study! but i didn't feel so good and had a headache. slept at 10pm. got woken up at 12.50am, couldn't sleep till 4 or 5 am. so i did some work. then woke up at 11 am. did work. went for lunch. came back. was really dizzy and headache and i slept. slept till 6.45pm. fortunately, elaine called me and woke me up. my body felt so like out of shape, and the internal organs are like aching.

funny stuff. anyway, handy came over to study. did study. but also did diverted for some times. my knee is healing. but yes, still not that good. less pain though. handy brought over a packet of starburst jellies for me. was really nice of him. a great brother. and he's like giving it to gillian and sarah also (that's what i know). an angel that we need during our exam times.

trying to work hard and all. let's help each other and uphold each other as friends and brothers and sisters in Christ amidst the exams and all. everyone's going through a hard time. let's not forget about the heart for others.