i know that i haven't post on the blog.
i also know WHY i haven't post on the blog.
phsyical excuses of no time, of busy-ness, of no inspiration, of tired-ness, of least of priorities are of the smallest percentages.
they DO count. physically that is.
and how easy it is to hide it with the physical-ness of things. easy to paint the flurry of wonderful activities and heap praises. but they are just mere escapades from the current reality.
i cannot blog because i don't dare to be honest. i want to be honest to write things, but to be honest, would be writing about:
- the deceitfulness of the environment of working.
- to be living in the demands and expectations of others.
- to be giving and not being given.
- to be sacrificing and having your own friends critisize you for sacrificing. and worst, to have it go to waste.
- and when you can't sacrifice, you're critisized even more.
- to be smiling and treating others with love and respect when they themselves can treat you like trash.
- they allow themselves to treat you like trash but you can't retaliate.
- where their mistakes are always forgiven, but yours must be punished.
- the amount of expectations. growing up watched by the world. every word is measured, every movement is judged.
- to have no dreams, but the dreams of others.
- where results only matters and righteousness and care does not.
i get jealous of other's blogs. their life is wonderful due to the fact that the environment permits it. they are able to write about and do so many wonderful things.
i am ashamed that i could not carry out or give or sacrifice or be what i was in adelaide towards others back here. i am unable to be a good example of a returnee to those younger than me. i tried. i tried so hard.
OCF returnee, that's what i am.
i tried but i couldn't. i am unable to bring about the good change. unable to impact lives. unable to care. unable to be honest. unable to sacrifice. unable to serve. unable to lead. i am ashamed that i can't blog good or wonderful pictures. i'm only able to write melancholic depressiveness on some realities for truth.
calling God on long-distance telephone. reading the Bible but nothing goes in. can't remember scriptures. Bible facts are going down the drain. my piano skills are dropping. music? what music! there's no new music to be written. no new music in the heart.
i am unable to feel God's presence. i am unable to see God's hand in movement. i am unable to hear what God is speaking. i am unable to see God speak through the Bible. i ask. i keep asking God. i try to hear. i was still. i try to let the Bible speak to me. i am waiting earnestly. waiting.
i try to make the best of everything and learn through the disappointments and hurt, persevere through the storms, keep the discipline, look towards God, ministering to others. but the voice of spririt, the eyes of eagerness, discipline, faith, focus, God's strength; it disappears through time. perhaps too many arrows on a broken shield.
the many dreams disappear because the environment and timing does not permit it at all. looking into the future? not even the future.
my thoughts always fly back, hey! return to Adelaide where at least no one judges you and are appreciated. or a word of thank you. where others would help, encourage, rebuke and advise you. where others understand the purpose and passion of doing things.
it may be dramatic of me to be enlarging or hyping up the littlest blessings i have. but what can i do when there's only so few that i have. true friends? too few. too far.
i remember myself, as a student, wondering why the returnees are dropping, and i wanted not to be one.
ha ha. i look at myself now. now i know. now i understand.
but what is keeping me going? hope. hope and faith. there is some hope. there is some faith. that carrying the cross with arrows flying everywhere, is just for now. the results for sacrifice and righteousness does not show instantly or obviously. it is a quiet big effect in the future.
joanne chew (mrs.kiu) told me, be strong. G foo tells me, keep going on. danny tells me, have faith like Abraham. i can't remember what others said.
i have to say that i feel stupid at times going on. going on for what?
well, just trying to go on with some truth keeping my pants up, some salvation keeping my head sane, some faith quenching the arrows, some righteousness letting me push forward, a small dagger of the Spirit... i can't remember the rest.
frank. that's frank.