Wednesday, February 20, 2008

frankness...

what frankness?

i know that i haven't post on the blog.
i also know WHY i haven't post on the blog.
phsyical excuses of no time, of busy-ness, of no inspiration, of tired-ness, of least of priorities are of the smallest percentages.
they DO count. physically that is.
and how easy it is to hide it with the physical-ness of things. easy to paint the flurry of wonderful activities and heap praises. but they are just mere escapades from the current reality.

frankly,
i cannot blog because i don't dare to be honest. i want to be honest to write things, but to be honest, would be writing about:
- the deceitfulness of the environment of working.
- to be living in the demands and expectations of others.
- to be giving and not being given.
- to be sacrificing and having your own friends critisize you for sacrificing. and worst, to have it go to waste.
- and when you can't sacrifice, you're critisized even more.
- to be smiling and treating others with love and respect when they themselves can treat you like trash.
- they allow themselves to treat you like trash but you can't retaliate.
- where their mistakes are always forgiven, but yours must be punished.
- the amount of expectations. growing up watched by the world. every word is measured, every movement is judged.
- to have no dreams, but the dreams of others.
- where results only matters and righteousness and care does not.

i get jealous of other's blogs. their life is wonderful due to the fact that the environment permits it. they are able to write about and do so many wonderful things.
i am ashamed that i could not carry out or give or sacrifice or be what i was in adelaide towards others back here. i am unable to be a good example of a returnee to those younger than me. i tried. i tried so hard.
OCF returnee, that's what i am.

i tried but i couldn't. i am unable to bring about the good change. unable to impact lives. unable to care. unable to be honest. unable to sacrifice. unable to serve. unable to lead. i am ashamed that i can't blog good or wonderful pictures. i'm only able to write melancholic depressiveness on some realities for truth.

calling God on long-distance telephone. reading the Bible but nothing goes in. can't remember scriptures. Bible facts are going down the drain. my piano skills are dropping. music? what music! there's no new music to be written. no new music in the heart.
i am unable to feel God's presence. i am unable to see God's hand in movement. i am unable to hear what God is speaking. i am unable to see God speak through the Bible. i ask. i keep asking God. i try to hear. i was still. i try to let the Bible speak to me. i am waiting earnestly. waiting.

i try to make the best of everything and learn through the disappointments and hurt, persevere through the storms, keep the discipline, look towards God, ministering to others. but the voice of spririt, the eyes of eagerness, discipline, faith, focus, God's strength; it disappears through time. perhaps too many arrows on a broken shield.

the many dreams disappear because the environment and timing does not permit it at all. looking into the future? not even the future.
my thoughts always fly back, hey! return to Adelaide where at least no one judges you and are appreciated. or a word of thank you. where others would help, encourage, rebuke and advise you. where others understand the purpose and passion of doing things.

it may be dramatic of me to be enlarging or hyping up the littlest blessings i have. but what can i do when there's only so few that i have. true friends? too few. too far.

i remember myself, as a student, wondering why the returnees are dropping, and i wanted not to be one.
ha ha. i look at myself now. now i know. now i understand.

but what is keeping me going? hope. hope and faith. there is some hope. there is some faith. that carrying the cross with arrows flying everywhere, is just for now. the results for sacrifice and righteousness does not show instantly or obviously. it is a quiet big effect in the future.

joanne chew (mrs.kiu) told me, be strong. G foo tells me, keep going on. danny tells me, have faith like Abraham. i can't remember what others said.

i have to say that i feel stupid at times going on. going on for what?
well, just trying to go on with some truth keeping my pants up, some salvation keeping my head sane, some faith quenching the arrows, some righteousness letting me push forward, a small dagger of the Spirit... i can't remember the rest.

frank. that's frank.

5 comments:

gilliangel said...

Still checking in on your blog on and off. Am glad I did this time around - must be God.=)

Heads up bro, God tells us to be in the world,eh? Unfortunately, that brings with it a whole spectrum of emotions!

with fondest thoughts,G.

derek_canaan said...

u wrote "frankly,i cannot blog because i don't dare to be honest"

But this is one of the most refreshingly honest blog-piece i've read for a long time.

U r God's child, and He loves you. He knows wat u r going thru and amazingly, He allows u to go thru it all.

A missionary who went thru many difficult and testing periods shared, "As I journeyed in life, my Lord is teaching me, 'Nothing is ever bad', I just hv to come b4 Him and learned to ask, 'Lord, what do u want me to learn from this?' Our Lord is faithful. He loves us."

Take a break, retreat and seek Him.

These verses may help:
* James 1:5
* Matt 7:11
* Luke 10:42&39 - only one thing is needed

Take care,
ex-MBS

HuiChuan said...

bill, thanks for the courage to write what's really going on inside you. Like your friends, I find it (ironically) encouraging and refreshing because it is real.

You feel hurt, discouraged, unappreciated, dry and neglected. And you just wished you could jump over back to the warm embrace of your friends and the fellowship back in Adelaide. There you could just be you, with the encouragement to develop yourself and potential with the support of understanding friends.

This may sound like a mistake; you've not learnt enough or had enough of the fellowship back then to be able to stand on your own two feet back in the familiar local context.

But bill, you've got to know that God's ways are higher than ours, and that His timing is perfect. And most importantly, that He loves you as His precious child. You can do nothing more to deserve His love, but only to delight yourself in Him.

Being frank is a great step. And you took it, to write openly about how you feel. I wish many more would be able to write truthfully.

But you've got to be honest about yourself, and know that in all you do, your rendition of service to Him should spring out as an expression of love to Him and His people. Such strength propelled by love, faithfulness and grace should and can only come from Him.

When the cup is dry and the well runs shallow, go back to Him to be refilled. Then when it overflows again, others around you will truly be blessed.

For me, consciously thanking God for every little thing and in every little situation while giving Him praise helps generate some rain drops to the dry soul. Come humbly before Him.

May you be refreshed by Him and Him alone.

Nana-prissy said...

Hi William,
I was pretty much unaware of so much things that was going on in ur life until today as I havent been reading anyone's blog for months.. My prayers are with u and assure urself with God's grace and everlasting love. Times maybe difficult and tiring but let Him carry you through..Take care brother!
With my love,
Prissy

Flo Flo said...

Do you know why I let my blog pending for so long? Apart from the problem with the system, it's also because life has been hard with many sad happenings. So I dont want to pen them down because I dont want to remember them. I dont want to look back and be reminded of the pain. I choose to leave it as a memory in hope that my memory will fail me in these hurtful areas. And so, yes, you choose the prints u want to leave in ur blog...which will remain.