coming into november 07....

what made it saddening?
swee heh, my colleague is leaving. sighh... my team mate, my buddy, my friend, my guide. i learned a lot from him. not just foul language lah. can say that it was east meets west. (i'm the west lah). our team work was great. respecting each other. he knows that i'm not that savvy in the working world. he lives nearby and so it was taking the LRT daily. breakfast daily. talking nonsense often. serious stuff often. sharing knowledge, sharing lives. transport. meeting his wife.
why lah he had to go? job movement, of course. still keeping in touch now. our dept was close enough that we are still meeting up.

really blessed to have such an environment where we're not backstabbing. even if there is, aiyah.. just close eyes and ears and just live your own life lah....

work was getting draggy. CFA classes going. tuesday and thursday nights. very very tiring. focusing mentally was becoming a challenge. i can count football or any physical activities out. it wasn't that tough, but it was very draining and i had to fight each day, not to look depresssed or even feel depressed at work. i know my performance suffered some bits.

i finally started going for small group. Ronald's place has it on friday and the group comprises peers of young working adults. so, Danny, i know it took me a year, but i tried. and now i fulfil the promise to get a small group as fast as possible. why it took so long? that's another story that will come.

weddings were coming up. practises and rehearsals. my life would be a mess if it wasn't for the schedule that i have. this was where my killer 3 week of travels start.

on the last week of november i had a bank treasure hunt. from KL to Malacca. it was real fun. my department sent 4 teams of 4 each. i was one of the drivers. and i tell you it was stressful. after the whole event, i was having headache nonstop. i couldn't even eat properly and felt like vomitting my dinner. a late night walkabout at Jonker Street and a Satay Celup probably made it worse, but it was the 100 Plus that cured it. 2 cans of it. rehydrated my brain and body. thank you, Swee Heh.

my father came back for about 2 weeks. spent half of it in Penang where they were having the TRAC annual conference(national english speaking Methodist churches). i came back from the treasure hunt and spent a few good days with him. unfortunately i had to leave for Brunei on the 30th of Nov. for Gillian's and Delwin's wedding. to be continued in december07's edition.

as of october 07...

alright... as i look at the 4th Oct, china? oh yeahhh... i did go to china. beijing. visited my parents. which also reminds me of the week before where the travel agent forgot to tell me about the passport needing to be more than 6 months before expiry. but i was fortunate that i had enough time for applying a new passport (very very fast now) and also getting the China visa quickly enough.

spent a good 10 days in china. yups... it was long leave. a long DESERVED leave. it was nice to see how my parents were doing in China. and the church they were attending.
Beijing food is very very oily. the air is very very dusty. i think its due to a lot of construction for the Olympics.
how did i survive in beijing without knowing manderin?
just know how to say 'wo bu dong' and 'wo bu hui jiang hua yi' can loh... haha..

the Great Wall is really a Great Wall. my fit legs (or so i thought it was) was not fit enough. Forbidden City, seriously cool. Chinese love big stuff. and in those old days, the grander, the better. a bit pitiful that during the Cultural Revolution, so much was destroyed.

on the way home, the airplane showed 'Hero' and 'Curse of the Golden Flower'. how cool is that! we were fresh from the real thing and now seeing the wars and all that. i had my sister take a video of me running from one end of the courtyard to the other. hahaha....

the week after i'm on leave again. this time for sunday school teachers retreat. its hard for me to commit to being a full-fledge teacher because of having many things to do. honestly, music ministry is preferred. but then again, music isn't everything. lives are more important, right?
so i strike a balance loh...

classes for CFA started. seriously tiring. i'm half dead in office the next day.

from september 07...

ok.. seeing that i stopped at august after the musical, there's lots... so a lot that's been happening. (i am looking through my schedule)

august 31st - sept 2nd was the Methodist Church National Prayer Day. learned much about prayer that time, though i can't remember much now. but i remember the discipline and vigilance and also what it is to be constantly praying.

my department wants to do some charity work so a committee was set up and i was chosen to be in it. so lots of research done on the homes. were looking for the really neglected ones. and after narrowing down, we went site visiting. i was driving. and we went to PJ, klang, subang, it was pretty weird place. some were considered lavish and some places, really has nothing.

seriously, its heart breaking and you kind of wish you have a million bucks to put into unit trusts or something and the yearly gains be a constant stream of income to give to the home.

i had my department trip in Genting. it was really fun. team building. getting to know each other better. it was really a vacation for me cause i was doing nothing. cold air was really nice. weather was very familiar.

registered for CFA (and the classes later on).

wedding rehearsals too. yvonne's cell group couple was getting married and needed a pianist. canon in D (as usual... oops!) and wedding march. some worship songs too. and of course, the eventual wedding day and dinner.

my youth's sunday (MYF sunday) was also coming up... so the few rehearsals that we have weren't too draining. simple, teamwork and meaningful.

i remember replying to Janice's email really late. her mother went to my church and saw the musical. of course she doesn't know which brother i was. but her mother was telling Janice so much about it.

and she got to meet Josh Groban in Adelaide... arghhh!!!! and that's including getting his autograph. it's a dream come true for her.

and i remember msn'ning Lai Kuan too. catching up with peers. Handy and a few others.

blockeddd...

i seriously have no idea what happened.
it's like, stopped.
i try to figure out what to type, only to find out:-
1) type what?
2) there's too many to type
3) stress level increases
4) time to shut down.

who knows out there that there is some research done on blogger's psychology.

perhaps its guilt for not typing so long. and puzzled on where to start to update. and knowing that can't go online that often. and what's the point? and no more purpose?
can't seem to find a reason or purpose.

w.d.i.b. ?

hmm... let me see...
where do i begin?

(after 15 minutes)

okayyyy... good night. end of post.

musical...

august 13th just passed. it is already one year since i left. i do remember that date very well. i remember they who have left adelaide and also those who are still there.

but have been busy. this weekend is my church musical. Joseph the Dreamer. the 110th anniversary church musical. 25th and 26th august. i'll be acting as Judah. get to throw Joseph into the cistern. haha. but its a busy and tiring week.

little time to sit down and think. so not so good on that side. having a rushing life. so in terms of priority, blogging also goes quite at the bottom. it'll be a while before i start posting properly again.

again...

oh well, did it again. i try to tell myself, that i should at least make it a point to post twice a week.

but what happenned since july 29? its been work. and musical practises at church. i have read harry potter 7. got it as a present for my sister (note: i'm not that good all the time). but since it was the Last book, got some extra value lah. so i make the book the ultimate present for the 4 birthday and 4 Christmas presents in 4 years that i was in uni. 8 in 1.

so not really having enough rest. body felt weak. i took emergency leave last weds and stayed at home. pretty much slept the whole day. i knew if i still went to work on weds, i would fall sick on thurs.

thought that there would be rest in the weekend, but no... weekend was normal, which means, no rest.

i was the organist for 2 sundays in the evening service. on one of the sundays, everything went wrong during on of the hymns. i was suppose to play it once through before we start singing. but the pastor came in straight away and so yeah.... a big messy disaster. not to forget the handbell choir that is playing together as well. hahaha...

its kind of a weird 2 weeks. feeling weak and on the verge of falling sick (and it is hard to wake up), i stumbled upon a song 'Crucified with Christ' by Philip, Craig and Dean. and it really lifted my spirits. it is about Galations 2:20 which i hold close to my heart. and Luke 9:23 and i just told myself, this is one of those moments to tahan and go 'step-by-step'.

and i finally get some clue to what God is doing. i know its just crumbs that i see. but at least i hear some 'noise' and see some 'dust'.

i'm on training for 7-9 August. so can come back early and rest. it's at damansara. i couldn't find 2 u-turns yesterday and got lost but amazingly found my way back to pusat damansara and with the map book, to the IBBM building. thank goodness i left early. i left early today also but this time found the u-turn.

Standing up and Facing the World again

Standing up and Facing the World again

John Baillie:

“Let me use
Disappointment as material for Patience
Success as material for Thankfulness
Trouble as material for Perseverence
Danger as material for Courage
Reproach as material for Long suffering
Praise as material for Humility
Pleasures as material for Temperance
Pain as material for Endurance”

not a pause...

heh heh ... this time it wasn't a pause. it was just a lapse of space. so what happened then?

firstly, roger federer won his fifth wimbledon, making it 11 Grand slams. amazing mental strength. it is pretty interesting in one of the articles i read. during the game, roger was beaten 6-2 by nadal in the 4th set. it looks like the end for federer. the article wrote that during that time, "it looked like federer was on the verge of self-destruction. but he managed to pull himself together and keep the game going; playing safe, one at a time." (one at a time is one of the most basic and fundamental foundational mental patience of the game of tennis)

made me thought, at the top or when reaching the top, most of the times, it is our choices that are heading our direction. not much of the external factors influencing you anymore. you know that with all the external troubles coming on, it boils down to your personal choice to change it.
and on the verge of defeat or crumbling, stick back to the basics where it is strong and KEEP going on. that's life application.

i was working weekends for the 2 months before july 9th. it is really God's blessings that my manager allowed me to take leave from 10th-13th (tues-fri) which is 4 days so that i can spend that last week with my parents. and also a good rest. i did my part and gave all that is needed at work. spent good times with my parents. my father is working in british council, beijing for one and a half years max.

so my parents left last sunday. i'm a free man. i can do anything i want. party every night. that's what everyone is asking me to do. haha... not really. life goes on like normal. and just make sure i keep things and the freedom under control and not go haywire. a lot of admin stuff to do. anything my parents need, i got to get it done. the man of the house loh...what to do..

lots of weddings coming. somehow, chinese love weddings in september and december. been getting the invitations to attend and also have weddings to play the piano or the organ for. have to get into practise again. won't want to spoil the special day, right? hahaha....

i have a church musical in august 25 and 26. about Joseph. its going to be heavy with the practises and all. i'm in the acting crew. first time working with the music director. so wanted to join and help in the music recordings but work did not permit so with its late nights. so, too bad lah for that part. i got to know the other guys better (Joseph has 11 brothers).

and the best part of all, was that i got to talk to someone in church. was my sunday school teacher. and now a father with kids. i got someone to talk to, and i guess he got to know me better. things of the youth, i'd say i got to learn most of it. and for the adult matters now, career, church work, ministry, direction in life, church matters, waliau.... all different man. not the Christian faith, but more to the way things are handled and done.

bits of time....

my time is in bits and pieces.
work was packed last week.
whatever bits that there are, i try to do the things that i love, like, have a passion for. i would love to have the time to do the things i love. but in terms of priority, it really ends up at the bottom. there are things i so so so want to do but yeah... it starts at the bottom of the priority list. time is precious. energy is precious too. God, You there?

my parents are going to China on july 15. next 2 sundays.
spending time with them is important. trying to. but having so many things to juggle. i got some complete so its pretty much okay for now. it is manageable.

my father is working in british council in China. so the plan is that they will be away till the end of next year. if it is till the end of the year, they can go see the Olympics. but its not a carreer chasing thing, so there are no worries. more of a just-try-and-see what is there. i recently watch a video about Christians in china. fooh! blew me away. i'll type something about that next time.

i admit i do get confused that, hey, God? i thought You told me to come back for my parents? weirdness-es. of course also, its not that my parents are obligated to stay in malaysia because i came back.

going on the internet is a luxury. so its rare. i am posting less because of the rarity of onlining and also not much time to think slowly and put a good post. i just realised i have a LOT of drafts. typed but unfinished.

i think i'm resting enough. or maybe its not enough and i'm pushing myself more on the edge. God, You there? Please, show me more of You.

on another note, wimbledon is going on now. i admire the tennis players mental strength, focus and concentration. i always try to increase mental strength.

Fannie's Birthday...

saturday night! fannie's birthday!
and also danny's farewell! oh? um, eh hem... *solemnly* and also danny's farewell.

refreshing? yeah it is. to have spent time with the OCFers and also with danny who returns for a while. apologies to those that i forgot to call. will do better next time.

look at the happy birthday girl. she definitely didn't expect it. Age cannot be revealed due to safety reasons; my safety, that is.

exam period...

it is the exam period for the whole of australia.

my thoughts fly back to adelaide. accumulating sleep debt, drinking coke for that sugar boost, drinking Red Bull for even more sugar boost, skipping meals, eating biscuits for meals, coffee replaces water, not bathing, not changing, the whole cupboard of clothes are in the laundry basket, smell the least smelliest clothes and re-wear them, wear the same shirt for 5 days (or more), wearing underwear 4 times (inside, outside, frontside, backside), becoming Jack's best friend (eating Hungry Jack's (Burger King) everyday for every meal), the house is covered with dust, the sink piles up with dishes, the toilet is --let's-not-talk-about-it--. wake up, study, sleep, wake up, study, sleep. sick but not taking medicine because it causes drowsiness.

a very interesting lifestyle, though of course, not everything listed above is done by me, or anyone else(i hope). living independently, that is called kicking in the survival gear. when nothing else matters except preparing yourself for your exams. and after its over, its time to enjoy till the next semester starts. or in crisis situations, supplementary papers.

a physical list was given above, but the underlying current is the fear, pressure, stress, failing strength, distractions, frustrations, sadness. to sum it up, emotional turmoil, spritual dryness, mental anguish and physical burdens.
and it is always a reminder to give, never forget God in the midst of preparation. or perhaps, people remember God more because here comes times of trouble.

i remember my dear friend, Kah Wai, sharing about praising God for exams and praising Him in the exam halls. yeah, i was going to throw a hymnal at him. till i grow up a little more later to realise and understand faith and God's working in each of us. i'll let God's Word answer.
"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope."(Romans 15:4)

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.
Psalm 29:2

Come near to God and he will come near to you.
James 4:8

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning i lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Psalm 5:3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 46:1

"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint," says the Lord.
Jeremiah 31:25

Jesus said, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."
Mark 6:31

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:17

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.
James 1:4

God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained for it.
Hebrews 12:10-11

back to school...

sometime midweek last week, my best friend since school, Joel Wong, called me and asked whether i would want to go back to school with him on friday to the MBS Christian Fellowship. i thought, 'that'd be nice,' and i was also wondering how to get away with a longer-than-1hour lunch. CF is from 1-2pm. but i managed to get half day off. so that was wonderful.

we went to CF and we were actually more keen to see our CF teacher, Mrs. Lim, who was also our BM teacher last time. it wasn't that nice cause we weren't really hardworking. but she did a really good job drawing the line between CF and studies, though i'm sure she'd like us to have both of these areas equally strong. i had my chapel advisor as my add-maths teacher too. so double the blow.

its been 5 and a half years now. we were wearing our office clothes as we entered. and thankfully we knew one or two, they're our juniors who are upper six now. so we aren't viewed or suspected as some perverted old boys.

when our teacher saw us, she was smiling. i guess, in her experience, not many are still walking on the narrow road after 5 years. and to see 2 of the Christian leaders and are still good friends coming back to CF, is that an encouragement to a teacher?

we did cause lots of trouble (but not enough to see the headmaster), mischievious and playful. i wonder whether as she knew us and teach us, she could see that 'something' there which we had no idea of, and pored her effort and prayers in that hope. yeah, we wouldn't know anything about ourselves, but she made her effort to polish us and she did set her example as a Christian in her work and teaching in school. and faithfully doing it too.

now that i'm typing this, i wonder whether did my sunday school teachers actually had any hope in me during the primary school years. i made them suffer a lot. i was punished a lot too. my teachers called me the 'Holy Terror' cause i was super mischievious but also a bible quiz champion. yeah, they told me that a few years ago.

there are some things that i can't think out. i put myself in their shoes and wonder how they'd just faithfully teach and nurture this some-sort-of-hyper-active kid. i don't know whether they were actually hoping for some miracle or change. or is it right to hope for one? how would they know what each kid will turn out to be? you won't know. so just teach and nurture all equally. hmm... i have no idea... teaching's a gift.

on another view, its amazing what 1 red note can do in the school canteen. having lunch constantly in the range of RM3.50 - RM5.00, RM 1.60 seems too cheap. the drinks uncle is still there and recognize both of us.

oh, the flood...

what makes an employee so hardworking that he stays till 1 am to work?
when he has no choice because its flooded.

on the day when i had to work on a sunday (sigh), it was bad enough, but it flooded too. my first job. weird stuff happens. my manager, colleague and i didn't know it was flooding till the delivery guy call to say that everywhere is flooded. so we ran down to check on our cars in the basement (safe) and also went out to take pictures. after some sort of excitement, dreaded tiredness and fatigues came. we were fortunate my manager let us off today cause we kind of completed our stuff plus some brain damage due to fatigue.

well, nothing happen to me. i did worry if the flood got higher. my side here outside Alliance bank (jalan munshi abdullah) wasn't so bad. Dataran Merdeka was looking like a padi field according to The Star today and the basements, what basements? that bad. just had biscuits for dinner and also hoping that we didn't have to stay over. thank God for safety and flood residing. looking around, the aftermath was quite substantial as i was driving home.

some pictures? i wasn't in trouble. just posing. again, credit to my colleague's Sony Erricson hp.

and i was looking out unto this.

zoomed in closer...

and even closer...

my work?

here's 2 pictures from my colleague's handphone. Sony Ericsson Cybershot. thanks to him.

so here's a picture of me in my workplace.
i was relaxing a bit. it was after lunch. and you can see Wilson, the tennis ball.

when i say i'm blessed with a good working environment, yeah, i can do things like these.

flat screen? yeah... state-of-the-art PC's. every other PC is slower than the office PC. but when i do work, my PC is slow. that's the heaviness of data i have.
phone books under the flat screen? yeah.. need that for my neck. so that i'm always looking straight to the screen.

that's my manager sitting behind me. my colleague and i are always laughing and saying that my manager really got high tolerance to bear us. i'm 23 and the youngest in office.

the teddy bear? all the girls have their bears and their cubicle is quite filled up. so i brought my green bear to fill up and decorate my place. the guys place quite empty. i'm sure some or many will remember it in Adelaide. hahaha.... must brighten up also in office. (extra add-in's and rephrasing of sentences due to 'a comment'. hahahaha)

and of course, with great PC's, comes great responsibility and great WORK too.

sunday and pirates...

it was church camp last weekend, from friday to sunday. i wasn't there. had to work on saturday again. suppose to wake up early and aimed to be there at 9 but decided to take it easy. relax a bit and was there at 11. still have sufficient time to finish up everything by evening.

we were watching pirates on sunday. kah ling couln't book tickets on the telephone cause it was full. but danny asked me to try to call, then i called, and to my amazement, i got places; or so i thought i got. when i was at the booth to collect the reservations, they asked for the 6-digit number. what 6-digit number?
turns out, i had pre-hang up and forgotten to take the 6-digit number after all the details. OR pre-hang up before they could check and tell me that there's no places left and so, no 6-digit number.
i forgotten about the 6-digit number. so now i re-learn again. but we could queue up. kah ling and danny queued while i surveyed the front screen on time slots and availability. we got seats right at the front, but it wasn't so bad. had a lot of leg space.

the part where Lord Beckett was going to die, i'd say its my favourite dramatic scene. i couldn't stop laughing. realizing that he had lost, he was so stylish while walking down the steps towards his death, with everything around him being blown apart. that's dramatic to the max. (so sorry for those who haven't watched it)

music was definitely good.

was capt. jack sparrow a genius? i think he may be. he is a pirate lord; knowing the seas and the pirate laws more than beckett.
i thought there will be a major battle scene between the british armada and all the pirates. that'll be nice to see.

amazingly i have time to watch movies though busy with work. the big project will be ending by June 22 (hopefully). all the good movies will be coming out soon.

of songs and memories...

as my work is a sit-in-front-of-comp type of work, having some music helps. somehow, i just thought of going through the hillsongs and bring some selected few to work. more of my favourites and they really refreshed me.
and it was at work that i realised, hey, somehow there was a link to why these songs were taken 'subconsciously' (i just see the title and grab a few). it is something like, the songs are a part of me. hmm, okayy, a bit dramatic. but something like that. the lyrics played its part in its respective times that i knew the songs.

1) one of the main songs for Convention 2003 in Tasmania (campsite was in Ulverstone). i remember the convention very well. the theme was 'Heaven's Mandate, Earth's Mission'.

To the Ends of the Earth

...And I would give the world to tell You're story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me....

....Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God ...

2) one of the songs that brought me through year 2004. it was the year that was, um, not so good. it was hard to see God then.

Through It All

...And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

3) this was for about the 2nd part of 2004. also had a part 2 of a not-so-good year.

Still

... When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

4) the first song i played for the English Service in Goodwood Methodist Church. it was for the English choir to sing during the Chinese Service. only 15 in the congregation, but it is still a Church = the body of Christ.

This Kingdom

....And this Kingdom will know no end,
And it's glory shall know no bounds.
For the majesty and power
Of this Kingdom's King has come.
And this Kingdom's reign,
And this Kingdom's rule,
And this Kingdom's power and authority
Jesus, God's righteousness revealed.

5) this was the song i played bass guitar in Easter Camp 2006 for Delwin. it was the last time i served in my last Easter camp.

Emmanuel

Holy Holy
I will bow before
My Lord and King
Hallelujah
You have come to us
You make all things new

Emmanuel
Jesus Christ
You'll never let me go
My Shepherd King
You're watching over me
Emmanuel...

so what happened?

before i forget, i would remember and thank priscilla for also remembering my birthday, way before hand. and danny did send the wish to me.

and the weekend? okay.. i was KOed out. full days on thurs, fri and sat. waliau...
i have a green teddy bear in office which is one of my friends in times of stress, and i have Wilson, my tennis ball. so towards about 9pm on sat, my colleague and i were throwing the tennis ball in the office. my manager just let us do it to lessen the stress...

bouncing the tennis ball in the office after about 2 hours of work, helps to relax. because it is a hand and eye and brain coordination. the eye exercises and so do the neck and hands.
what the? why am i talking about Wilson? aiyah....

anyways, i didn't have to work on sunday, cause i made sure its all finish by the time saturday ends. so there, my Sabbath is still there. so much for worrying in the previous posts.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

i did reflect upon what happen in my last birthday. it was nearing exams. and i had priscilla to thank for making that 22nd birthday really good = surrounded by friends that i love.
and before that, i thought i was staying on and thought no big deal if my 22nd wasn't celebrated cause there will still be the 23rd in adelaide. yeah, yeah... so i thought. but priscilla didn't let that happen. priscilla was shocked when i replied, 'nothing. don't need to do anything lah. too near exams.' and she was so nice to really plan it out and the LIST especially. it was in a chocolate shop. the best stuff in the world! CHOCOLATE! and its CHOCOLATE and FRIENDS!

and so, my last birthday in adelaide, was made good to remember.

my birthday 23rd may 07.

what did i do on the 23rd of may when i turn 23 this year?

23 on 23. cool...
i'd have like it to be in adelaide. but of course, can't lah.
but adelaide came to me. or at least one part. danny!
(it was actually 2. but wai kong(keith) couldn't come. had car problems. was so wanting him to make it).

i got leave from work. so fortunate.
went to midvalley in the morning, talked at MPH. and later, had 3 games of bowling each. had lunch at sushi king. waliau super full man. i usually won't go to such places but its birthday!
later on watched Wild Hogs. its a comedy but also quite meaningful at some parts.

the fellowship and deep talk is good. sharpening each other. talked a lot about God's Word and the authors and preachers and teachers. really had a good time. really encouraged at what danny has gathered. i was in good spirits.

thursday, had a lunch celebration at work. me on 23rd and 2 others on 25th. ate a lot. a lot lot. ok, and then, work began to pile up. and really pile.
went back late.

today, also came back late again. missed the cell meeting. so now you see why i really respect those that really can still make it to go to cell meetings.
and guess what?
tomorrow, i've got to work the whole day again. got to miss the youth meetings. someone got to replace me on piano. and if work continues to pile on, that includes going back on sunday which... which.... haih, this is the grey area again.

okay... its in the 10 commandments. keep the Sabbath day holy. but as you know, it is not necessarily a sunday and how a day is kept holy and depending on situations and etc... elaborating and arguing this is another story.

i know very easy to point out black and white and tell me. but it is not as simple as that in the working world and in life. saying this also i got to make sure that i'm not saying that as an excuse or avenue out of it.
well, that's if it happens. so i going to work even harder tomorrow to make sure it doesn't happen. if too bad cannot escape, um.... see how lah. maybe go after church. answers? got to go ask pastor lah.

honor God.

one of my colleagues grandmother passed away today. an internal email was sent informing us that the department is collecting a fund for him and to deposit into his account.

earlier on, i had forgotten to do some work on a report and the check on the report was closed last week. i remembered today, when my manager asked me. you can say all my blood went to my feet. if my data comparison had differences i'm in deep trouble. one of my colleagues had to endure a shouting match last week. so i was very worried and it bothered me a lot.

when the envelope for my colleague was passed to me, i put in a sum, and also my 5 cent and 1 cent coins, and also thinking that they should be able to deposit it at the counter. how insensitive of me. i wasn't thinking at all.

and later i heard one of my colleagues exclaimed loudly, 'who gave coins?' i was wearing both my earphones and i could still hear it. they saw the coins and they were using the machine to deposit the money.
i was going, oh crap, i'm in trouble. so i decided, finish my work first.

fortunately for me, everything in my report passed. but through the work, my mind was worried and wondering what in the world is going to happen. embaressing, yes, i'm ok with it, but i was more bothered that this is the Christian witness i am giving to my non-Christian colleagues. in other words, my whole department. my spirits were very down.

the coins were later returned and passed around in the envelope and whoever gave it, to claim it. it was a very uncomfortable feeling taking back the 'stained' money.

i was contemplating what to do. just ignore the issue and let it pass? or to bring it upfront? i was scared and in effect, ate lots of chewing gum. ate about 5 in a span of a 2 hours. if i let it pass, it could grow into gossip. if i go tell the person who collected it, it could explode and also grow in gossip. but then, to kill gossip, is to tell the truth. but i'm scared. well, if it happens, thats the effects of the mistake. accept it. and it went on and on, wondering, what should the Christian witness do? go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go,........

in the end, ok. be true. be firm in spirit. do what's right. be strong. accept it. honour God. (i also went, God please help me through it). and i approached my colleague. she went, 'oh, so its you ah...'. i apologised, that it was very insensitive of me and it was a bad mistake and wasn't thinking and was bothered earlier. and she said, 'it's okay. small matter. it has been deposited already'.

as i sat down my comp, i was still worried. and my colleague net send me telling me not to worry about it, that it's ok, that everyone learns and that i didn't know about no coins. she also said that she admired my courage to approach her face to face and be truthful about it. she told me not to think too much and shared her experience before where in her previous job, she handed her donation in an angpow. so she totally understood.

now, what can i say? everything remained good? nope. it became better. God is... God is...wonderful to teach me that and waliauleh, need to surprise and test me like that ah? my heart can take a rest now. most importantly, i know i honoured God.
*breathes a super huge sigh of relief*

thanks for the visit, danny....

returnees of adelaide and uni s.a. met up in midvalley on saturday evening. danny came back and so, a gathering. justin (botak, but got hair now), daryl, hui yin, irene, chok, kah ling, phoebe, keith and me. others sent their apologies.
it was great. spirits were high. lots of memories. and talk was crappy and also deep.

later on, went to watch the FA cup final. 2 MU fans, one chelsea fan, one liverpool fan, and one arsenal+anti-MU fan. okay, so we lost and daryl and wai kong are happy. justin's just waiting for champions league.

reached home about 1 a.m. he was fortunate enough to have clear skies and was able to see the bright Genting on the hill. talking to danny on the way home was great. i was in high spirits. we were housemates. and grew together in OCF. we were ministering to each other. he is also going on his next step after a degree. we shared on our joys and difficulties, things we have learnt and things that are happening now. slept at 2.30.

i was playing for the choir so we had to leave at 7.00a.m. danny came too. and left his wallet and hp at my house. (some things never change.. hee hee). my parents brought it later. it was holy communion service. and later he joined me in teaching senior sunday school also. i brought him to a famous beef noodle store and later on, brought him to the LRT for him to go home.

as housemates, it took a while to know each other and grow and work together, being scared, proud and having those natural tendencies of guys. even though it went well in the end, we know there's much more to improve on. and so, we make the effort to continue on, mutually knowing to make the effort to be transparent because there's not that many that you are able to be transparent to.

i'm really blessed and its an honour to know danny. not forgetting arthur, we were the wellington guys. serving, sacrificing and laughing with them are truly blessings from God.

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the other.

later in the night, my sister asked me why i am still sleeping on the floor though danny's gone back already.i said because danny has slept on it, so the bed is sacred already. i don't want to de-sanctify it.
( oh blasphemy...) and my sister, as usual, has more reasons to back her theory that i am lame and crazy.

its been long, a long long pause. not that i wasn't doing anything. i am still doing church work and working. but it was a pause that i struggle through. with whatever gap in time that i have and that i made, i reflect and try to find some ground. relooked at the the things that i am doing and the purpose behind it. have i sidetracked? assessed the times when things went wrong and try to find the cause and also the solution.try to find out the reason for the change in behaviour and reaction.

realignment.

i know very much that i'd want to say that things have been going great with God and be the model returnee, that i am standing firm and strong. but nope. i am not spared from the problems and toughness faced by returnees and the transition period.

i remember coming back, in a prepared mindset, focused on what to do. it worked. it was good. things were good. i was prepared in places that can possibly be prepared for. i remember wanting not to be like the returnees that have returned and to do better than them and not 'be like that'. but it is different. after a while and as things changes, defenses start breaking down. the environment, working routine, work, family, money, survival.... it affects your goals in life, your principles, your dreams, your passion, your faith.

it affects us in different ways according to our individual strengths and weaknesses. after a while, things are not good.

after a while, the body gets weak, the spirit gets weak, the mind gets weak and faith gets weak. oh how i wish i could be standing strong to tell verses that inspire and move people. but how can i if i have a plank in my own eye? i know i'll sound like a wimp. with truth vs. macho manly ego? i choose truth.

it is pretty lonely too. from an environment filled and surrounded with close friends, suddenly, there is nothing. of course, just catch-up and rebuild the friendships and make new friends again lah. well, that is a normal process. but after a long while of conversations just touching the surface and not going anywhere deep, its a sucky empty feeling. and you don't see your new friends everyday. only once or twice a week. so calculate the length of time it takes to build close friendships again.

we say the world's connected and a friend is just an MSN message away. that's if you have the time to get connected. when you have 2 hours left (hopefully) in the day to possibly do this array of stuff: eat, bathe, quiet time, exercise?, spend time with family, practise piano?, internet? ; which do you prioritise? okay... don't ask me how does weekly bible study or cell group fit in.

its hard to describe the experience of what a returnee goes through. its one of those things that you will only understand when you go through it. for example, giving birth.

now that i'm nearly sounding like the book of Ecclesiastes where the great Teacher cries, 'Life is meaningless, meaningless, meaningles', let me speak of the goodness of God.

you'd have heard the phrase 'taste the sweetness of God'. i understand it more now. when everything is bitter, somewhere, God puts people and joy, and sweetness flows. i look and try to see God. He is underlying everything.

i attend GCF Headstart. a once a month bible study session for 12 months. i learn a lot from the people there. the joys and problems that they go through and all. equal in our journey and with an adult leader. learning a lot from his experience and wisdom, it refreshes the spirit, though i am dead tired when i reach home.

through the GCF camp, 2 of my groupmates are really great. florence and hui chuan always wonder what has been happening to me. sending smses and emails and going 'bill? bill? bill?' on the chatbox. and they used their precious 2nd of may holiday for a meet up, just to chat and relax and fellowship. how am i not to feel encouraged and cared for?

in a lot of things that i do, i would always want it to be good. that's another nice way of saying successful. who wouldn't? and after just seeing things go on as it was and not improving, day after day, week after week, i would find the effort of no use and stop. what's the point of doing it, if there is no use of it? it wasn't just church work but also other stuff.

and a reminder was given by pastor on the monday night of the Easter week. God calls us to be faithful. Success is another thing. it will come when it comes.

it was a quiet period. some sort of lonely desert. do i remain the same after yet another filtering? do i still remain true? perhaps the core is still there and firm, though shaky and affected a bit. i won't give up. there's so much wisdom to learn.

i definitely miss the times of worship in adelaide. okayyy. somehow as i'm typing that, Joanne's (mrs. Kiu) words somehow came up, reminding me, 'don't compare'. but of course its not about the music and atmosphere.

well, i remember Don Moen's worship in 'God With Us'. his intro to one of the most loved songs.

'our joy as we worship right now, gathered under His grace and surrounded by high praise, is not an escape from reality.

with all the power inherited in His presence, it's still a fact that all of us face tough times.

times are a lot different than these moments of celebration. but tough times don't diminish the reality of His presence.

darkness will fall and clouds do gather. shadows will come, but our faith and our confidence in Him need never be shaken.

and when we face difficult times and trials, He will be with us to make a way.'

and so, the song, 'God will make a Way' follows...

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see...

~ God is faithful. He is the same; yesterday, today and forever ~

?

what do i post?
can i still post with a troubled heart?
i can smile. but i know its only on the outside.

press 'Pause'...

i post with a purpose, be it serious or for lame-ness.
but i don't feel so good lately.

so, i had to press the pause button some time last week.
how long the pause is? i don't know.
i'll post when i'm better/alright.

sorry. i'm human.

God's faithfulness...

it is hard to see God's faithfulness.
i try to. sometimes i see, sometimes i don't. i think its many times i don't, especially with all the noise in my life that i can't avoid.

but the Bible speaks too.
God's faithfulness is there even if we can't see it.
we'll never know the extent of His faithfulness and love.

' Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep His commands'.
Deuteronomy 7:9

wounded spirit?

it was an interesting week.
i was already tired after the outing. and monday night had no electricity and so no fan and all the mosquitoes are just having a lovely time.
i = no sleep.
work = i also dunno how i got through it. i had to really save energy wherever i could.

and on tuesday i got an sms from chok that it was yvonne's birthday. so i called at night and after the call which ended late, this time i really thought i was going to faint the next morning.
compared to other nights with about 7 hours sleep, i had 6 this time.

but i was alright the whole day. feeling very much better. even my colleague said i look better. and i was thinking back what happened and i narrowed it down to the above.

maybe physically i was tired, but my spirit kept me going. and while having to walk the journey alone more often, it is obviously not good news and so i feel the physical effect more.

it refreshed my spirit more that i got to talk to someone who is dear to me. and of course things and times have changed so much since 2004 which makes it tough to keep in contact often. and emails from danny was refreshing too; like a first aid; a thirst-quencher.

2 Cor 4:16-18

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

for the rest of the week, i was able to witness more to my colleagues and the company's annual dinner on saturday at Sunway.
played bowling with my colleagues later and injured my right hand after 5 frames. i had to bowl with my left for the rest of the 1 and a half games. of course the scores were bad.

sunday = teaching sunday school. and cleaning the house. i decided to do a clean sweep of my room to find a red tie, a church library book, and a camera cable. i knew they were somewhere in my room. and with not a single thing left unturned, i found all 3 of it. saved me money in all 3 areas.

what will the rest of this week give me? we'll see.... :)

literature?

for my masters in literature friend in GCF.

according to the internet:
Students in a Harvard English 101 class were asked to write a concise essay containing for elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

the only A+ in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen, " I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

tired ? Youth Outing?

this week got me stumped and puzzled a bit. i was feeling very tired throughout. you know those advertisments for Yosmeishu or some energy revitalizing drink? my colleagues say i look like the 'before drinking the yomeishu' state.
but i keep saying, just push harder. things like this happens and i must just push through it.

i try to search and find out what could have caused such tiredness. i had enough sleep. i didn't exercise in the week. or maybe its because i didn't exercise that i feel tired. huh?
last sunday, i played badminton so that KOed me some bit. on monday, had GCF Headstart meeting and would have pushed my body more. and the rest of the days was neutral.
so what i think could have happened was a combination of 'moves' that i did that hit my body harder and so had its effects and made recuperation longer.
instead of a 'stretch and rest, stretch and rest' , i did a 'stretch, stretch, rest , and no choice had to rest on. '

so i think if that's the cause, i'll avoid such combinations in the future.
so this week tired me out. but saturday was the Youth Outing. i nearly didn't go but i pushed myself. how many times have i given excuses and so missed out on many exciting things?
it turned out great.
jungle trekking and paintball.

jingle trekking had its dangers. not the leeches lah but more of the slippery slopes. we had the form 1's which have not shoot up yet so their reach of legs are shorter. but it was great that the stronger ones were helping each other. and most gladly of all, no one was seriously injured except a few cuts here and there.

we had an elimination round to the finals for paintball. 8 in a team. my team comprised the um.. older people? hahaha... the older youth leaders. so we had to use our brains against the youths.
there were the 'ruthless' youths which looked scary. i couldn't believe my team won.
so okay, a slight increase in the ego... haha...
i'm glad i got to know the youths much better, now that they also identify me as 'Owen' for my blue striped jersey.

a good week? i'll have to make sure i wrap it up with a good night's sleep to make it a good week.
okayyy... time to go for the 6pm service. i'm playing the organ.

oh the sky....

i was glad to be able to see a full moon. so bright. one nice circle among the clouds and mountains.

and it made me wonder, oh man... how long has it been since i've seen the sky? or even had a good look at the sky in daylight?
no joke man...
don't talk about lunch time. its too bright to look up in the sky plus i'm always crossing roads.

at least i still have mountains to look at at dawn and maybe a little bit at dusk.
getting to see the sky and lots of trees in adelaide is definitely a blessing. i miss it.

meet up...

monday night.
i didn't want to go.
will reach home late.
then not enough sleep.

but i dragged myself there. and also dragged edward there. (heh heh...)
mid valley megamall - little penang. 8pm. Monday.

a gathering of OCFers. ex-OCFers. ranging from just returned to ancient relics and fossils. daryl, hui yin, eileen, christine, chrisandra, kok hwa, huey chi, fannie, yu ting, kah ling, edward and me. we were missing some more people. things were a bit awkward at first and as time passes, we realise that each one of us hasn't change much in their character (that's good news) and so the feeling of 'home' and our 'family' comes back again, including all the teasing and disturbing.

though being busy, the 'family' moves along supporting each other, making at least an effort.
though things being tough, the 'family' goes through it together.

what family is this? that of the body of Christ.

and i hope that everyone who has called Jesus, "Lord" , has called Him in truth and continue to do so that they may finish the journey strong in the Lord, no matter what happens in the middle.

chinese new year...

it was chinese new year on sunday(18) and monday(19). but holidays were given for monday and tuesday. so on sunday, meet with my father's side. monday, went to seremban, met with mother's side. and then had dinner with my mother's side. tuesday was dinner with church friends that we grew up with.

i don't really know my extended family that well, what more close to them. so i do get jealous sometimes when i see friends knowing their cousins so well or having a great time with their older cousins bringing them out for trips and also teaching them a lot from their experience.

so now as i did return after so long ( i missed the past 3 chinese new year) seeing my cousins again was tougher. we did play when we were young (very young), but as we grew up, things grew apart. and seeing each other just once a year obviously contributes.
on sunday at my father's side, okay.. i chicken out lah. talk with the uncles and aunties than my cousins. (they were curious at what happened to me being MIA for a while. )

on monday, drove to seremban and this time became braver lah. and it went well. got to know them better. and my mother's side had quite a lot of "interesting" stories. can't tell here lah. but knowing such histories brings me to pray more for them.

weds, thurs and fri was pretty empty at office. it felt really weird that we were all quiet. got to know the few remaining better. went home exactly at 5.45pm.

i met up with my ex-school mates during form 1 and 2 on tuesday night. really late night. definitely was too short and we had another meet up on friday night. after dinner at KLCC, they decided to go clubbing. and i nearly got deaf again. its really spoiling the sensitivity of my hearing. wouldn't be my idea of fun. but its okay... spend time with my high school friends.

brought me a lot of thoughts as i just look at the people around me. but that's another story. i didn't want to drink nor did i know how to dance. just played a few games of pool.
my friends were not that alert after alcohol so i had to drive them back. its okay... glad to make sure they go home safely. i had wanted to remain fully alert in case such situations arose.

i was worship leading today on saturday. it was tough to rub off the clubbing stamp on my left hand. but thankfully they didn't notice the faded stamp.

wah.. nearly 1 month...

i don't know how i did it.
but i did it.
nearly one month i didn't post.
and its not that i'm nearing exams or having any..... for now.

well, i got work. i don't know how i got busy. i even got busy that i didn't write things down in my time management schedule that i prepared. you know how we say we filter out the less important things. i think i'm left with all the important things now, which is um... a long important list.
it does bites me with the things to do. which i realise i'm complaining lots about.
perhaps i lost some energy, with much giving.
perhaps i lost some passion, with having the passionate things further away.
perhaps i lost some focus, with having lots of things to do.
perhaps the journey, is blistering my feet.

amidst a supposed busy schedule, the time was well spent.
but the quiet times i had were important. Is important. Will always be important.

i got through this busy period. and so, as i type some little stuff here again, i feel the joy.
as it was in adelaide, where all the postings started. thanks to the handy-man again...
and after those times, life doesn't stop.

so the journey continues...

[ oh yeah... on a side note, malaysian post is crap. the post and the post office. i am patriotic, but this is too much. i miss Adelaide Post. ]

we can see big vehicles coming our way and avoid it.
we can see the big mistakes that we can make in our lives and avoid it.

but we don't see the termites eating away the foundation of our house, until its too late.
but we don't see the little things in our life, eating our body, mind, spirit and faith bit by bit, until its too late.

that's what i thought of some time lately. i know i read it somewhere before and am reminded of this timeless wisdom. maybe it was in the 'Every Man's Battle' or 'Finishing Strong' book.

Satan knows that the big things in life, we can avoid.
and so he uses the little things and habits to change us without us knowing it.

in the end, when things fall, it was not the cause of a one-off blow with the hammer that cracks you.
it was the cause of bits of chiselling on the defences for years and years.

don't be surprised that the little tax evasion here and there, ended up as an arrest for tax evasion and fraud, 30 years down the road.

don't be surprised that the little thought of the woman/man here and there, ended up as an affair that ruins your family, 30 years down the road.

don't be surprised that the little pride and not wanting to say sorry here and there, ended up as a drop in faith and not knowing your brothers and sisters in Christ, and not knowing God, 30 years down the road.

a prayer...

a prayer at one of my church services.

From the cowardice that dares not face new truth,
from the laziness that is contented with half-truth,
from the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth,
Good Lord, deliver me. Amen

fell sick...

oh.. so i thought i was invincible and keeping a very good health record. besides the occasinal 'lau sai' (stomach ache), i have been pretty healthy. excercising and all.
so now that i fell sick, hmmm... God asking for a pause in my life. thank goodness it is a holiday tomorrow (Federal Territory Day) but i got a youth committee meeting to go to at night.

the last time i wrote was january 19. waliau.. what happened then? hmmm... let me take out my schedule. yes, i have a schedule. i can't be messy anymore, though things do crop up in the last minute. have to effectively manage my time cause its limited and also keeping and checking myself up that i do not burn out.

LIFE's a MARATHON, NOT a SPRINT.

God has been gracious that my supervisors grant me leave on the 24th and 25th of January. thus, i could spend 2 full days with the OCFers. 3 came up from singapore and so we plan out their Malaysia Tour. we really covered so many places. i'm quite amazed and the times together, brings back a lot of memories. it was tiring but great. it was a priviledge to be at ian's house and play songs of worship on the grand piano there. i truly wanted to bless the house and family and the ocfers there too.

after work on friday (26th) was my departments dinner. celebrated the january babies birthdays. it was a buffet dinner + karaoke. they are good singers and never in my life have i heard so many chinese songs at one go. seriously.

saturday 27th, i had a Vision Mission Values launch by the bank. palace of the golden horses. was there and listened to where the bank is headed. first time so its always interesting. had to use our ears and minds to filter out what is said. later on, my colleague gave me a tour of UPM where he studied. only minutes away. it is a big big uni. very big. not possible to be walking around. the uni has 12 tennis courts, many fields, their own golf course, their own swimming pool, their own stadium, 14 residential colleges and lots of buildings. i think they lack trees and maintenance. plus there are lots of low bushes everywhere.

i would be tired out by such a week. that's a glimpse of a few days. more stuff follows after lunch time after the vision mission values thing. my youth group and church on sunday.

it's kind of weird that on tuesday evening, i asked my supervisor what happens if i fall sick. i wasn't predicting my holiday but i saw this coming.

thinking back and evaluating what went wrong.
life's a marathon. not a sprint.

Psalm 139

this is really a wonderful psalm.the psalm 139.

truly truly it is, that nothing can seperate us from the love of God.

1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
5 You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

a short pause....

i got to press the pause button on my life for a while.
even typing this is a rush.
i don't have time to go online.
and that's also a bad thing --> seeing all the unread mails and documents.

basic discipline and keeping the eyes on God is most important.
i try to get it to number 1 each day, but its not easy.
and every bit that i get to do so, it refreshes.

work = high
frustration = high
sleep = low
rest = low
mind + focus = leaning on the stronger side (i'm quite amazed)

ministry = piling up.
i got to micro manage it on my schedule and mind.
i'm not superman or Jesus.
even Jesus rested.

yikes!

why did i yikes?

because of i'm suddenly super busy. i don't even have time to think properly. okay... i still think but its not as good a thinking as i want.

i am giving. but i realise its getting a bit too much. i'm building up a discipline. but i realise also that its not really going to do any good if i don't get enough rest. i know i haven't been putting full form into work. there is form but it is not full.
i don't have much time to read Christian books. and even if i have time, i realise that as i read one or two pages, my mind races to the many things i need to do, or thinking of the things in the future.

at times i grow melancholic and i feel depressed and like a hot iron pressing me down and burning me. i am afraid of burning out. i don't want a repeat.
and even in the midst of giving, (okay, i got to sit down and do this often) i got to make sure that i am giving for the right purpose. for God. have a cross check on myself all the time. and also checking that i am not over-giving or over-sacrificing till i'm harming myself.
i'm not saying that i'm trying to avoid hurt or avoid sacrificing for God. hmmm... okay... it is subjective, but between me and God? yeah... i am quite close to harming myself.
maybe i have been saying 'yes' all the time and not enough 'no's'.
it is a weakness and a tendency of my character.

i pray and ask God for energy. for His strength. i have to be really wise and monitor my energy level all the time. i know being in such a position is terrible. i'm trying to figure out what's happening, find the source, fix it.
i pray and ask God for wisdom. for guidance.
i still make sure i have quiet time. spend it in silence and be before God. it is keeping me up balancing on the tightrope.

on a brighter side, i am building a habit of memorizing a bible verse everyday. because i'm on the LRT and i can't do anything. so on the way to work and on the way home. its going great. and i recap the past verses that i did. i know i haven't been memorizing verses for a long time.

READ!!!

i'd tell you to READ this because it is really deep and great!
i'd also tell you NOT to read this, to arouse your curiousity to read this and digest it.

Christians...
from a 2nd century anonymous letter to Diognetus, early church father.
-------------------
Christians are not differentiated from other people by country, language or customs; you see, they do not live in cities of their own, or speak some strange dialect or have some peculiar lifestyle.

this teaching of theirs has not been contrived by the invention and speculation of inquisitive men; nor are they propagating mere human teaching as some people do. they live in both greek and foreign cities, wherever chance has put them. they follow local customs in clothing, food and other aspects of life. but at the same time, they demonstrate to us the wonderful and certanly unusual form of their own citizenship.

they live in their own native lands, but as aliens; as citizens, they share all things with others; but like aliens, suffer all things. every foreign country is to them as their native country, and every native land as a foreign country.

they marry and have children just like every one else; but they do not kill unwanted babies. they offer a shared table, but not a shared bed. they are present "in the flesh" but they do not live "according to the flesh". they are passing their days on earth, but are citizens of heaven. they obey the appointed laws, and go beyond the laws in their own lives.

they love every one, but are persecuted by all. they are unknown and condemned; they are put to death and gain life. they are poor and yet make many rich. they are short of everything and yet have plenty of all things. they are dishonoured and yet gain glory through dishonor.

their names are blackened and yet they are cleared. they are mocked and bless in return. they are treated outrageously and behave respectfully to others. when they do good, they are punished as evildoers; when punished, they rejoice as if being given new life. they are attacked by Jews as aliens, and are persecuted by Greeks; yet those who hate them cannot give any reason for their hostility.

to put it simply - the soul is to the body as Christians are to the world. the soul is spread through all parts of the body and Christians through all the cities of the world. the soul is in the body but is not of the body; Christians are in the world but not of the world.