yikes!

why did i yikes?

because of i'm suddenly super busy. i don't even have time to think properly. okay... i still think but its not as good a thinking as i want.

i am giving. but i realise its getting a bit too much. i'm building up a discipline. but i realise also that its not really going to do any good if i don't get enough rest. i know i haven't been putting full form into work. there is form but it is not full.
i don't have much time to read Christian books. and even if i have time, i realise that as i read one or two pages, my mind races to the many things i need to do, or thinking of the things in the future.

at times i grow melancholic and i feel depressed and like a hot iron pressing me down and burning me. i am afraid of burning out. i don't want a repeat.
and even in the midst of giving, (okay, i got to sit down and do this often) i got to make sure that i am giving for the right purpose. for God. have a cross check on myself all the time. and also checking that i am not over-giving or over-sacrificing till i'm harming myself.
i'm not saying that i'm trying to avoid hurt or avoid sacrificing for God. hmmm... okay... it is subjective, but between me and God? yeah... i am quite close to harming myself.
maybe i have been saying 'yes' all the time and not enough 'no's'.
it is a weakness and a tendency of my character.

i pray and ask God for energy. for His strength. i have to be really wise and monitor my energy level all the time. i know being in such a position is terrible. i'm trying to figure out what's happening, find the source, fix it.
i pray and ask God for wisdom. for guidance.
i still make sure i have quiet time. spend it in silence and be before God. it is keeping me up balancing on the tightrope.

on a brighter side, i am building a habit of memorizing a bible verse everyday. because i'm on the LRT and i can't do anything. so on the way to work and on the way home. its going great. and i recap the past verses that i did. i know i haven't been memorizing verses for a long time.