its been long, a long long pause. not that i wasn't doing anything. i am still doing church work and working. but it was a pause that i struggle through. with whatever gap in time that i have and that i made, i reflect and try to find some ground. relooked at the the things that i am doing and the purpose behind it. have i sidetracked? assessed the times when things went wrong and try to find the cause and also the solution.try to find out the reason for the change in behaviour and reaction.

realignment.

i know very much that i'd want to say that things have been going great with God and be the model returnee, that i am standing firm and strong. but nope. i am not spared from the problems and toughness faced by returnees and the transition period.

i remember coming back, in a prepared mindset, focused on what to do. it worked. it was good. things were good. i was prepared in places that can possibly be prepared for. i remember wanting not to be like the returnees that have returned and to do better than them and not 'be like that'. but it is different. after a while and as things changes, defenses start breaking down. the environment, working routine, work, family, money, survival.... it affects your goals in life, your principles, your dreams, your passion, your faith.

it affects us in different ways according to our individual strengths and weaknesses. after a while, things are not good.

after a while, the body gets weak, the spirit gets weak, the mind gets weak and faith gets weak. oh how i wish i could be standing strong to tell verses that inspire and move people. but how can i if i have a plank in my own eye? i know i'll sound like a wimp. with truth vs. macho manly ego? i choose truth.

it is pretty lonely too. from an environment filled and surrounded with close friends, suddenly, there is nothing. of course, just catch-up and rebuild the friendships and make new friends again lah. well, that is a normal process. but after a long while of conversations just touching the surface and not going anywhere deep, its a sucky empty feeling. and you don't see your new friends everyday. only once or twice a week. so calculate the length of time it takes to build close friendships again.

we say the world's connected and a friend is just an MSN message away. that's if you have the time to get connected. when you have 2 hours left (hopefully) in the day to possibly do this array of stuff: eat, bathe, quiet time, exercise?, spend time with family, practise piano?, internet? ; which do you prioritise? okay... don't ask me how does weekly bible study or cell group fit in.

its hard to describe the experience of what a returnee goes through. its one of those things that you will only understand when you go through it. for example, giving birth.

now that i'm nearly sounding like the book of Ecclesiastes where the great Teacher cries, 'Life is meaningless, meaningless, meaningles', let me speak of the goodness of God.

you'd have heard the phrase 'taste the sweetness of God'. i understand it more now. when everything is bitter, somewhere, God puts people and joy, and sweetness flows. i look and try to see God. He is underlying everything.

i attend GCF Headstart. a once a month bible study session for 12 months. i learn a lot from the people there. the joys and problems that they go through and all. equal in our journey and with an adult leader. learning a lot from his experience and wisdom, it refreshes the spirit, though i am dead tired when i reach home.

through the GCF camp, 2 of my groupmates are really great. florence and hui chuan always wonder what has been happening to me. sending smses and emails and going 'bill? bill? bill?' on the chatbox. and they used their precious 2nd of may holiday for a meet up, just to chat and relax and fellowship. how am i not to feel encouraged and cared for?

in a lot of things that i do, i would always want it to be good. that's another nice way of saying successful. who wouldn't? and after just seeing things go on as it was and not improving, day after day, week after week, i would find the effort of no use and stop. what's the point of doing it, if there is no use of it? it wasn't just church work but also other stuff.

and a reminder was given by pastor on the monday night of the Easter week. God calls us to be faithful. Success is another thing. it will come when it comes.

it was a quiet period. some sort of lonely desert. do i remain the same after yet another filtering? do i still remain true? perhaps the core is still there and firm, though shaky and affected a bit. i won't give up. there's so much wisdom to learn.

i definitely miss the times of worship in adelaide. okayyy. somehow as i'm typing that, Joanne's (mrs. Kiu) words somehow came up, reminding me, 'don't compare'. but of course its not about the music and atmosphere.

well, i remember Don Moen's worship in 'God With Us'. his intro to one of the most loved songs.

'our joy as we worship right now, gathered under His grace and surrounded by high praise, is not an escape from reality.

with all the power inherited in His presence, it's still a fact that all of us face tough times.

times are a lot different than these moments of celebration. but tough times don't diminish the reality of His presence.

darkness will fall and clouds do gather. shadows will come, but our faith and our confidence in Him need never be shaken.

and when we face difficult times and trials, He will be with us to make a way.'

and so, the song, 'God will make a Way' follows...

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see...

~ God is faithful. He is the same; yesterday, today and forever ~