3 years and 3 months...

3 years and 3 months was my duration at my workplace. it was my first job and i learnt a lot there and progressed a lot in my area. technically now, i've been well built. the banking industry is an interesting industry.

i had my last day of work on dec 22nd. it was a pretty tough ending. late nights, lots of things to tie up, lots of things to prepare. due to unfortunate circumstances at work, i couldn't do some things that i wanted to do which would help my colleagues have a faster way of doing their work. but oh well...

on the last day, was still working late cause had lots of things to do with regards to my portfolio. my mother was wondering what am i 'foolishly' doing. no one stays late towards the end of their tenure. i believe it is up for debate and how we should be reacting and working is also very subjective and depending on many factors.

i know that i have no obligation to stay late towards the end of my tenure and i have every right to leave at 5.45pm. somehow, i just feel that that is where it makes the difference. putting these last run of effort is working beyond my call of duty and anyone knows it. i know my colleagues will be in for a tough time if i do not do what i can and help what i could. what makes a good worker?

the people in the department made the place a good working place. of course, tensions and arguments exist but having an age range of about 10 years aids a lot in terms of communication and the definition of fun. i miss my colleagues.

well, old doors will have to be closed so that new doors can open.
why resign? to come in future writings...

YCC Camp 09...

it was pretty hectic schedule and it was only after the camp that i could reflect on what has happened.

earlier as i was praying for the camp, God did speak to me in a way that i feel comforted even though the numbers were only 46 and that sometimes, things has to be this way for the best to come out. well, i wasn't too sure. but okay, if You say so.

so the camp went ahead. with a little delay in Selayang because the bus was tilting to the left, everything went smoothly. reached Gua Tempurung within the buffer time provided. it was a simple climb but also good exposure. each day had its individual highlights.

saturday was a group dynamics and steamboat dinner. i didn't know Grand Kampar Hotel was famous for its steamboat dinner. sunday was the movie 'Guardian' in the afternoon and a Spiritual Spa in the night.

there was ample free time to encourage fellowship and to mingle around. most of the free time was spent in the pool or playing in each others rooms. or some sleeping. segregation will always be there at first but by the 3rd day, people were warming up to each other. and of course, the usual feeling on the 4th day, when people finally are comfortable and 'click' with each other and its time to go home...

one thing that i was really glad was that the elder youth/young adults that came for the camp. i shared with them what God showed me and encouraged them to just be themselves and share their lives with the youths. i believe very much that real sharing from real lives from real hearts of real people is precious.

our camp speaker, Mr. Selvaraj shared for 3 sessions about the Mindset, Maturity and Making Christ tangible. the way he delivered his message about God was pretty practical i would say and very real to what's happening with us and around us. it was a good ground for discussion and sharing. devotion was done as a group. workshops were done with some group dynamics to further strengthen the understanding of the questions before discussion. worship was just a keyboard, guitar and bass guitar but it was true and full of meaning.

that was the advantage of a 50/50 ratio of above 20 and under 20. it is through the sharing of lives where we learn to see God in each of our lives and also how to live as a follower and disciple of Christ. whether lives were impacted or not, i do not know. it's all a work of faith for God.

of course, there are things to tidy up and to learn from. it would be a bit hard and also a shock for me to be managing or leading people older than me. but i am grateful for the support that i had in so many forms that greatly contributed to the DNA of the camp.

there is a little surprise coming up at church but it has to be kept silent for now.

pre - YCC Camp 09

i came back from OCF convention this afternoon and at 1pm, start work again. worked till 10pm today due to unfortunate circumstances at work. i'm doing my best at work.

the little blitz trip to OCF convention hasn't sink in yet. i guess due to the hectic-ness, i haven't got time to reflect much yet. i truly thank God for the brothers and sisters that i had and have around some rare times. met my older brothers and sisters and also the younger ones. for those that i didn't get to meet in malaysia, the last time i would have seen them was 3 years ago when i left.

i got to meet janice, my dear little sister who is a cili padi girl of faith. its been 3 years. i witnessed her start of her journey but i didn't get to see her continue grow cause i left already then. and i'm sure God worked in her great things back then and also for the future.

i got to meet arthur too, my housemate. also 3 years. he's truly grown to be a fine young man of faith. being a very real christian and just sharing of how God worked wonders in his life and plans.

i am very tired but my eyes and heart are awake with a little flame. by God's grace... TRULY by God's grace that i survive each day. i only have a little flame and God does the rest. its all a work of faith...

i just felt i need to write this down because though i was at OCF convention for just 1 night session, i saw the many generations of OCFers that God has been with and who are still faithful. i'm sure there are many more who couldn't make it.

YCC camp will be in a few hours time... preparing the last bits of stuff.. oh no! i haven't even packed yet... haha.. ah well.. a few minutes and i'll be done. i don't know what will happen in this camp of 46 people. its a small number but perhaps that is good. a 50/50 ratio of above 18 and below 18. we'll see how God works :) do keep me (the camp commander) and the camp in prayer.

OCF convention...

OCF convention, here i come!

in a last ditch and last desperate attempt, i have managed to be able to go for convention. OCF 50th convention. on the 9th, i will take halfday leave in the afternoon and will head down to melaka with ke bin. will stay over 1 night and return the next morning on the 10th where i will start work in the afternoon.

i know its crazy. its just one night on weds, and return on thurs and on fri, it'll be a trip to kampar for the YCC camp 2009.
but it is worth it.

i don't know who i'll re-meet back there again but then, let it be a surprise :) its very weird to explain it and i hope i don't offend anyone. it is a relief and encouragement to me in some ways. its like a tired soldier returning home. its been 3 years of persevering and fighting on and sacrificing... and now, returning 'home' in the company of my brothers and sisters in Christ whom i have shared lives with and whom i learned to love and trust in adelaide.

how has each other's lives been? how was your faith been? how has your journey been? how has your ministry been? i believe everyone have their story to tell... and it is very encouraging to each other as lives are shared and encouragement to persevere on wherever God has placed each of us.

i believe that there were many things God moulded and grew me, and there are also many things which were forgotten and i did not do because i had slowly grown afraid through time. still learning and growing...

working in faith...

attended chang hong and elaine's wedding and wedding dinner today. it was a wonderful and joyous occasion. came back, shower and cool down and back to preparation for tomorrow's MYF training. this time round on teamwork and leadership & vision.

i have people asking me about the state of MYF. i have to be frank to say that i don't know but there is lots to do. we cannot quantify results by the numbers that we have, and neither can we be complacent and be happy about the numbers and sit back in the comfort zone.

lots of people have been putting in the effort and trying to help. you know who you are. truly to be in a position i am in, it is pushing me further than i imagined. i put in lots of thought before and am putting in even more for MYF. i'm tired but remembering how other's have poured their time and life into me gives me strength to go on. i will pour in as well.

God, please help me. grant me wisdom to lead your sheep. these are Your people. what are you trying to teach me?

it is a work of faith. i will probably never see the fruits of it. it is all work done in faith for the future. i push and God moves. i may not know what to do but i will give it everything i got. i'm pouring everything that i've learnt to pass on to them. of course it is impossible to do it all in 2 sundays but at least there's a start.

impacted...

i know i just watched 'Fireproof' yesterday, and i did again today. parts of it. haih.. terrible.. still cried again...

it speaks of many messages i have had the hard time learning myself (and still learning) and now, want to see it happen in other's lives as well. the message of the movie speaks close to my heart.

realizations of God's love again, of sacrifice, of what love really is, of humility, of what it means to be a man of God and not what the world portrays, of what it means when God says,'husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the church', of commitment, of what relating means, of what waiting on God means, of healing of the heart. there's so much...

there are so many broken families everywhere. even if they're under the same roof, it can still be broken. so many broken people everywhere and most of the brokenness starts from home. the family is the first church that we must take care off before all others. pretty much everything starts from the family. i teach the youths and i see many with broken hearts. broken guys, broken girls. why do you think there is so much broken relationships everywhere? because we're all broken people.
yes, they and we hide it well. they and we try to find things to replace and cover it. sigh... pray for healing...

a verse for a tough week...

it has been a tough week. working wise, church wise, people wise, rest wise. but its a good journey. remembering my uni lessons, with God's help and guidance, i am determined to finish strong.

amidst all that, got a verse sms'ed from danny, my ex-housemate.
Col 1:17
'17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.'
truly.

it was encouraging. it reminds me so much of uni days and sms'ing verses to each other as words of encouragement was so common; as if natural.

got a call from my best friend, Joel too. its quite an interesting way of friendship. he so busy, i so busy. its quite funny. we haven't met each other for so long, but he really is a friend i respect a lot & we share many same passion together. he calls me and i'm in meetings, and i call him back and he is in meetings and when he re-returns, i'm in meetings... its just weird.. till finally, fate brought the call together. it was great catching up.

was pretty worried about the training that i planned for MYF because i didn't have much time and couldn't put much effort into it. but i just worked at it cause all these effort is a work of faith and this is my heart for the MYFers. it is crucial because i will be away. today was training them about organizing events(games, programmes, camps) and also about confidence in God and yourself. next week, teamwork and leadership and vision.

next friday, we'll be watching a movie called 'Fireproof'. don't worry no spoilers. unfortunately, this is just one of the movies that made me cry. *sniff *sniff... no joke man... it takes a lot for a movie to make me cry.
its about marriage and broken relationships. this is one of the real-est movies i've ever seen on relationships. it is in accordance to the Bible and also the healing process in counselling books.

painting...

after about 3 weekends, i have finally completed painting my house. took me quite long to paint the first coating because of many things. i finished the first coating process yesterday(sat) morning. and today(sun) i just came home and finish painting 80% of the 2nd coating. the other 20% will do some other day but it'll definitely be quick.

when i started the 1st coating, i thought it would be an easy process. i have scrapped all that i can and even water pressured whatever is possible. how could anything still be stuck... the remaining paint that is stuck, i'd assume it is stuck well. that's were the irritating part is. when i painted the 1st coat, the supposedly well-stuck old-paint comes off. it comes OFF. what the heck man... i had to take the scrapper back and re-scrap again.

looking back at my reflection on scrapping, it takes long and hard to heal the heart. and even after all the counseling and help (scrapping) is done and we thought that it is over, it not over yet. even when God's Word and new life (new paint) is starting, there is still deep hurts that is being found and healed(more stubborn old paint coming off).

one coat of paint isn't enough. it needs 2 coats so that it'll look good and also last. the 1st coat is like a foundation and the 2nd coat is for a thicker coat and a more solid finish. same like the heart. after taking the first few baby steps and learning more about God, there is more solid food to learn to take for a more beautiful finish.

its interesting that i get injuries while i'm painting. how? the bougainvillea tree, the kalamansi tree, the pineapple tree leaves. scratches and the fine thorns getting in my skin. terrible. amazingly no blisters, just swollen palms. in reflection, in the course of helping(painting) others to heal, some of our own hurts can also surface and we can also get injured in the process of helping another.

i don't know how i finished 80% in a 2-3 hours. but i challenged myself to persevere on. helps me to prepare for missions. i was pretty tired with white spots everywhere. aunty brigitte thought i went crazy suddenly pushing on to finish so much. well, the healing of the heart takes lots of time and perseverance...

a little habit...

i have developed a little habit.
amidst all the things that are rushing about me, and knowing that my brain can just be spinning non-stop in thought and worry, i just stop and ask myself, 'what is your focus?' 'what is your focus?' 'what is your focus?'.

i ask myself over and over again to keep myself in focus that i do not stray from the correct focus and purpose of why i do what i do. amidst expectations and just really lots of 'voices' around me, i ask myself to remind myself, that the focus is to listen to God's voice, to serve Him and take care of His sheep.

it is just weird. it can get very overwhelming and very tiring. but when i ask myself, 'what is your focus?', realignment is the word that i will use to describe the little process that keeps me on track.

there is a reason to go on. there is a hope that i work towards. there is God who is ever faithful and will hold me. i need not fear.

O God, our help in ages past,
Our hope for years to come,
Our shelter from the stormy blast,
And our eternal home.

Under the shadow of Thy throne
Thy saints have dwelt secure;
Sufficient is Thine arm alone,
And our defence is sure.

Before the hills in order stood,
Or earth received her frame,
From everlasting Thou art God,
To endless years the same.

expectations...

it can be a good thing where the teacher cares enough for the students to have high expectations out of them. where the leader cares enough for his sheep, that he expects and hopes that they will grow and progress in life. expectation is good when someone goes to an event and with an open heart, expect great things to happen.

it can be a bad thing. where every quarter expects you to be present at their event. where every quarter expects you to contribute to their event. where every quarter expects you to take an active role in their event. where there are expectations in terms of conduct and character. expectations in 'performance' that it should never drop. expectations to be helping their children. all the above adding the assumption that the person is very free makes a bad combination.

and with expectations comes disappointments. of course, when the bar is raised to ridiculously high levels; forgetting that he is just as human as you. some will just think that they have every right to believe it should be that high and that he should be performing well for their purpose all the time. then starts the 'counseling' sessions as though he would want such situations to happen. its just weird. there is high expectations but when a clash comes, there is no benefit of the doubt.

okaysss.. at the moment, the bad seems to be longer. but that's cause i'm getting most of the low ends. perhaps people should do their R & D more before opening their mouths.

as bread that is broken...

i'm tired.
and i always question myself: why do i do what i am doing.

As Bread that is Broken
Many hearts are hungry tonight,
Many trapped in darkness yearn for the Light
So many who are far from home,
And many who are lost
Oh, Lord, Your wounded children need
The power of Your cross

As bread that is broken, use our lives
As wine that is poured out, a willing sacrifice
Empower us, Father, to share the love of Christ
As bread that is broken Lord, use our lives

Help us to begin where we are.
Help us love the people near to our hearts
Then give our faith a mission field
Wherever You may call
Lord, love Your world through each of us,
Until we’ve touched them all

to start anew...

given a chance to start something anew, what would you do?

its weird that from a bystander's view, a lot can be said about what to do with the chance. but when you're in that chance, a lot of blank moments come in. perhaps its uncertainty that comes along as well; unsure of what is the best thing to do because it is building the foundation for the future. plans are drawn but what's the best?

richard taught me that whatever it is that you do, let it echo into eternity. i work, God moves.

as days pass and lots of thought being put into it, a frame starts and the picture gets clearer.
i would love to get a clear pictures straight away so that i can stop worrying. but nope, it comes bit by bit. i have to have faith and wait patiently on God to tell me through the things i go through and in prayer.

God isn't a vending machine. and if God has placed me where He wants me to be, He will also provide me what is needed. He, Jehovah Jireh, is our provider. He will provide for all our needs, according to His riches and glory.
i think a lot and also worry a lot. but everytime i just speak the words out, i just realise again God's goodness and faithfulness and i feel calm and comforted again.

a little sms...

Got an sms from fannie a few days ago. Roms 12:11 and an encouragement to remember the days when we worked together and enjoyed each other's presence. and to keep going.
i miss those times. it was amazing. i believe that things that were done in the past can be done now as well, just that its slightly tougher. looking back and judging myself soberly, ok ok lah.. not as much as i want to but i'm doing my best.

Roms 12:10-13
10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

further away...

OCF convention seems to be getting further and further away... sigh...

it pains me. i miss it. it would be nice if i can make it. but not having enough leave and being the camp commander for a coming camp at the same time does not leave any space or time for a breather at all. many things are clashing and december is always one of those headache months where so many things are happening and everything is coming one after the other and time to rest is hard to find.

keeping the focus is one thing i have to keep my eyes on. i can't do everything and have to choose wisely. what is important and the limits of my time and body. sacrifices would be here and there.

a simple thing of kneeling and pray sustains me. i am amazed cause i myself do overlook its power as well. it does not supercharge me like an energy boost, but it sustains me to live on each day.

i also start going through a bible study material on prophets. danny gave it to me 2.5 years ago for my birthday. learning about Samuel, Elijah and at the moment, Elisha. its amazing to see how they went through their lives. i always thought they were just people who prophesize...

but the bible study taught me that they were humans with hearts that ache for the people too. life was tough as they try to speak to the people and help them, but many things go against them. and amidst all of it, they were always going and living in faith even though it was very testing. through their lives, they ministered to others with miracles.

weird DVD...

very very weird.

today, MYF was suppose to be watching 'Facing the Giants'. a good movie. i watched it on my laptop with the PowerDVD software and it was all smooth.

but today, i have no idea what, how or why the dvd refused to be played. and the weird thing is that i can still open it and explore/see the files but i can't play it with the same software. though i was there earlier to set up, i spent 40 minutes trying to find the solution. i even re-installed PowerDVD. tried VLC as well. it all didn't work. in the end, ok, back to the most manual way; open the DVD and play each .vob file one by one with VLC. it worked but had to select the proper audio.

i have to admit i was very flustered. i take the necessary measures to check and run through before sat. but with the same procedures, nothing worked.

after just accepting 'defeat' to the 'manual' way, i just sit down, cool down and watch the movie as well. its weird in a way. i getting flustered with it all and the movie is Facing the Giants; about faith and God. i just smiled and cool down.

the problems not solved yet. i handed it to my IT friends later, they can't even play the dvd on their laptops. what the? there are no scratches on the DVD and its brand new and original. could a software spoil a permanent hardware?

i seem to be seeing my 32.90 flying further and further away...

a little childhood...

a colleague told me about this and i looked it up.

Sesame Street: Andrea Bocelli's Lullabye To Elmo

it brings back childhood memories and how Elmo can be so adorable.
it is interesting that i actually only delved into disney deeper only when i started working and not my whole life as some may think. in this already tough world where things are complicated and weird, going back to disney and some sesame street reminds me of the innocence of childhood and why it shouldn't be lost in the 'adult' world.

nowadays, it seems that 'knowing the bad stuff' is very glorified and we shouldn't be 'naive'. we are applauded when we can 'see' or uncover the 'hidden intentions' and 'possible manipulative situations' of people's actions. why can't we think the best of others and give them the benefit of doubt? or am i being 'naive' now?

somehow, i just think that 'naive' is a word that is created by the so-called people who can 'see' bad intentions to prove that they're of a higher class with some higher knowledge and experience and to also hide their inability to think the better of others.

i am not saying that we are to just believe everything people say and foolishly agree upon and do everything and get taken advantage of. there is a difference. giving the benefit of doubt to others and helping them is different from foolishly allowing people to take advantage of you. this is where discernment comes in. we are to be as wise as snakes and as innocent as doves (matt 10:16).

God asks us to be childlike in faith (matt 18:2, mark 10:15, luke 18:17). and it is true that it is easier to 'see' God when we are younger.

scrapping...

spent the past week doing lots of scrapping. the paint is peeling, fungus growing, black stain everywhere... so i think about time i repaint.
before repainting, you need to scrape the paint off. and after that, scrub the walls clean and then only paint. and need 2 coats.

this is a lot of walls.

interestingly, though it is tiring, it is while scraping where i get to just think and reflect; put a lot of thought into some things and ideas and revelation comes. its pretty amazing.

i got many lessons from scraping. it is like a person. to repaint, you have to scrape the old stuff and clean the walls first. and it is a long hard work. after 1 week and i'm still not finished. same with the heart. to heal and start anew, it takes a lot of hard work to scrape off the hurts and bitterness of the past.

and the next day, i return to spot and try scraping again, and there IS still stuff that can be scraped out. the old paint really sticks. same with the heart. you'd thought you dealt with it all but there's still some left.

however, each day as i return to the spot, there's less and less to scrape. as with the heart, as you tend to it, it heals more day by day.

there were areas that were still nice and white. out of curiosity, i just scrape a bit and a huge large sheet of paint is scraped off to reveal lots of fungus and mould. same with people. the maskS (capital 'S' on purpose) that people wear just hides lots of things underneath; where the pains and hurts are allowed to grow.

scraping isn't enough to clean the wall. after scraping the paint, i still have to scrub the fungus off. and it is a long scrub. as with the heart, after 'clearing' the bitterness and hurts, there is still 'cleaning' needed. what 'cleaning agents' to use? God's Word to tend to the broken hearted.

haven't reached painting yet.

september 09...

2nd - church anniversary practise. fumbled lots cause no time to practise. but practise lots to make up for it. playing by ear all the time has made me rusty on following notes. it was a tough but great piece.

5th - wedding in the morning, MYF in the middle, last anniversary practise at the night.

6th - anniversary sunday. it was great. only God would have provided me strength, focus and discernment on the piece as i played it.

12th - Edward's wedding. my dear brother in OCF and really took care of me. i learnt lots from him and really look up to him. a brother with a straight forward and growing faith, and knows when God is convicting him and humbly acknowledges.

19th - market at 7am, practise at 9am, meeting uncle herbert at 12.30 for lunch. scout for bible study materials for small group in the afternoon.

20th - SSS worship workshop starts. and it continues every sunday for 4 weeks. the quality of worship was going down and down each sunday. many factors causing its degradation; loss and lack of musicians, loss of knowledge and experience. something has to be done. so training is prepared for teaching, guiding and exposure.

august 09...

8th - teacher leslie's daughter's wedding.
SSS teachers went together. and saw a very familiar face. saw James, whom i played for his wedding. and if he's here, his wife, who is a wedding planner must be here too.

9th - MYF Sunday
it was quite a struggle cause i know i am going to see only 7 people in the choir. no more cause that is pretty much MYF. i remember the dilemma and i wonder why. i also wonder what in the world am i doing. but in the end, we worship God first. perhaps there is a reason for doing it this way.

dinner with setapak parish youths. an effort by aunty carolyn to gather the youths together cause we don't see each other often especially if we seldom appear at the once in a month parish meetings. i respect that cause she is reaching out to the youths.

14th - had to see physio. bad neck.

15th - Ying Mei's wedding. my sunday school friend since 10 i think. and now she's getting married. deepest congratulations. played a bit at her wedding dinner.

18th - 23rd - Beijing, China. was conducting a 3 day training on Excel Macro VBA to the Finance Department of British Council. 20 in total. glad they learnt and enjoyed it. very thankful to E.T. and uncle Moses for teaching and training me cause my evaluation forms were all 4 & 5's out of 5. took the opportunity to be with my parents as well.

29th - 31st - MYF camp. planning the games was interesting. had to put a lot of thought into it because technically and mostly, everyone is new to each other. was very glad God gave me lots of discernment to see and assess the current group dynamics which is always changing. Games with meaning is what i always strive for. i was really glad that they bonded and learned.

joy & pain...

ok.. lots of things been happening. i don't have time to gather my thoughts properly and sit down and put it down. plus there are some things i cannot write down yet due to 'information cannot be released to the public yet'.

anyway, a freak accident that i was at church on monday to attend ajith fernando's talk on 'Joy and Pain'. don't quote me and say what master wugui said in kungfu panda, 'there are not accidents'. was there for practise at 6.30-7.00. and sam asked me whether i'm going.. oh well.. since i'm already in church...

i'll just type what i wrote down. its bits and pieces.
------------------
At the start, when we are younger, we have joy. and as we go through life and its knocks, we get bitter and depressed at the end. it is normal and there are many different reactions to these 'knocks'.

Joy & pain - both can coexist together.
Dominant theme in the old testament is joy. there are 23 different words for joy.

Rom 14:17, John 16:33.

The joy of the Lord is our strength. when the joy goes, the strength goes.

people seem to not want joy but other things. success, sexual conquest, material properity, revenge, fame. wanting the satisfaction of getting what you want than joy. e.g. you want your revenge than joy.

Zephaniah 3:17

quoting someone: I have hit rock bottom. And the rock is solid.
- referring that after everything gives way and you fall and hit the bottom, it may be hard, but that is God's foundation.

asking God for help when in suffering/conflict is a sign that you are still seeking God.

joy is not satisfaction or pleasure.
people are chasing or trying to create substitutes for joy.
but you don't create joy. you express joy that is already there.
-expression of joy, not substitute of joy.

joy is the business of heaven.

the comfort is greater than the suffering.
God's love is greater.
but we must allow God to minister to us.
we have to open up, express, weep and believe.
we complain to God and we can't heal because we do not let God. we do not open up.
we prefer to be self-pitying and not wanting to surrender it.
James 1:2

God's love is greater.
God smiles when He sees you.
--------------------

sleep...

sleep... good sleep... finally...

3 year anniversary...

by looking at the title, some must be wondering, what anniversary? relationship anniversary?

well, its been 3 years already since i left Adelaide. 3 years already back in Malaysia. lots of q's come in the effort of reflection. have i fully adapted yet? have i gotten worse? good habits? picked up bad habits? how is my focus? where am i? etc... lots of comparisons for before and afters. i believe i have improved in some areas and also let some old areas catch up on me.
just a bit unfortunate that i can't think on it much cause packed at the moment.

i did think though, how to sum it up?
God is faithful.
though i am struggling a bit at the moment, nevertheless, to look at it all, God is faithful.

i REALLY thank God for the people that He has put around me. surely God let our paths cross for a reason, or Many reasons. i just learn so much from your lives; what to follow... and also what not to follow but learn from. i believe each other's presence, is like a sign, telling me that there is still hope and let's persevere on in faith.

what happens from this milestone onwards? i have no idea. plans? of course there are plans. let's see how life progresses.

neck ache...

its all coming back to me now...
no song, but real aches. neck ache. very bad. this is not good. i think my body can't rest and is too tense. that usually happens with stress and too much to do. i did manage to cool and calm down but perhaps that is a mini percentage compared to the rest of the the tense moments.

God please heal me and take the pain away.
working in pain the whole day today and still in pain.
cannot afford to take leave cause of the work.

my new perfume is salonpas and yoko yoko.

i hope it gets better tomorrow (tues). please pray for me. going to China next week and definitely not prepared fully yet.

SSS comm meeting...

veronica did a great job chairing the meeting. looking at the comm, it is definitely new and it has good space to grow. was glad jon, shearn and carol was there to give their different experiences and advice.

through the years, lots of knowledge, skills and experience were lost due to poor training, poor hand-me-down knowledge and circumstances as well.

being fortunately exposed or usually in many types of 'glorious' times where you see such good fruit grow and huge harvests, one can easily forget about the tough times that had to be persevered through. starting from scratch and building upwards.

went through the roles of each comm member and also the vision. it would be demotivating to see how far SSS is from each mini vision. but that's how the cycle is. it is nearly a clean slate, so what do you paint on it?

i want to see them grow. i want them to have the help and training that i did not have last time.

one of the areas they want to concentrate on was fellowship. a good start.
shearn mentioned a saying. i think its originally his.
'when you someone alone at a corner, it doesn't mean he's having fun alone.'

God is faithful again and again...

knowing what was ahead was scary. afraid that i am unable to prepare or finish the things i have to do properly.

i'm grateful for the prayers and support given to me from those that i know, and those that i don't. thank you. last week, even though it was just the first 3 days, but i know God brought me through it. everything went well... except one thing.

unfortunately, by Friday, my body was breaking down. by the night, i was having backache, neckache, bad headache, my stomach was releasing everything, had difficulty breathing. it was terrible. i regret it.
made sure i had 8 hours sleep for the rest of the coming nights. am feeling much better now.

but seeing how problems and changes arise at work again, that little ripple causes waves of damages because i (and my other colleagues) have to re-do our work again. seeing time and energy wasted is quite demotivating and draining. late nights continue. i thought i'd have extra time to do the other stuff that i need to do. but nope.

looking at it, its like the same type of week, repeating itself. now, did i learn anything from the past week?

looking ahead...

this is one of those times i dread to look ahead.

please pray for me. a season of trials and perseverance is coming... or has come already...
- strength - physically & mentally
- spirit - refreshed each day
- trusting God - calmness
- discipline
- resilience & perseverance
- anything else i forgotten...

MU in Malaysia...18 july...

i never thought that i'd be going for it till allan called. so i thought, why not. never been before anyway and since i'm still young and a little spare time. and also just in time cause i can get a ticket also for my maid(or 2nd mother) as a birthday present.

i don't like crowds. the match starts at 5.00pm. we intend to reach there by 4, but there were already so many cars lined up. its already 'Many' at that time, i don't want to imagine what was it at 4.30 or 5pm. we decided in the end to park somewhere nearby and walk over. no point trying to queue into the bukit jalil parking area.

the stadium holds 80,000+ people. i believe it was full. thought of taking the LRT but thankfully i didn't. carpooled instead. (in the later days, many complaints about the LRT in the newspapers).

the whole stadium was red and there was a small portion of yellow. quite interesting to hear the whole stadium shout out 'United' or 'Owen' in unison. grateful to have my camera back from U.K. cause it can zoom quite far. there were one or 2 that came in Chelsea jersey, Arsenal Jersey and Real Madrid jersey. of course they were booed pretty badly. manage to get a few shots. i'm sure they purposely did it... those attention seekers. one of the media guys actually came up to mr.chelsea and had a short interview. probably q's like 'are you in the wrong stadium?' or 'why you doing this?' or 'haven't die before ah?'... haha...

was very fortunate to get a good seat. was at MU's bench and i can see the whole field clearly. quite cool to get to see them in flesh. of course i was snapping all the way. the way the MU team played here was exactly the way they played in england. same style, same enthusiasm, same roughness (though i think it was lesser).

malaysia didn't have much confidence at first and struggled a bit. after going 2 goals down, they started to play well and manage to score one at the 47th minute. i think it was a beautiful goal. and in the 2nd half, malaysia manage to draw level with MU and it was 2-2 until Owen scored in the 85th minute to make it 3-2. pretty good game compared to a 6-0 loss 8 years ago. now singapore has liverpool coming up. for bragging rights, they need to score at least 2, i guess. haha...

it was quite an experience. for RM98 i think it was alright. at least i did it once.

immobilized...

well, 2 days of fever. really bad fever... yesterday morning, cannot breathe. body aching like crazy, can't even lift up the body right tonsil swollen. today, even worse, body even hotter and both tonsils swollen. swallowing is so painful.

thank goodness i don't have the flu. so at least i can breathe through my nose and not dry up and hurt the already painful throat. just drink hor yan hor the whole day. much much better now. this time the doctor gave anti-biotics.

its been a long while since i've been immobilized like this. i know i said earlier, i can take time to think and all that... nope. didn't think or reflect at all. not possible. brain was just blank all the way. i was in stasis mode. just lie still on the bed and don't move. plus i'm feeling cold. i didn't even want to wake up or move downstairs for lunch but of course, was forced to eat something. moving was painful cause of the sore muscles.

thankfully, now i'm much better, though just having the headaches and dizziness. pretty weak.. lost 2 kg. not bad eh? haha... hope i can restart quickly at work tomorrow.

in short, burn out. perhaps this immobilization is exactly what i need. cause i think the cause is not just a period of a few days, but accumulation of (let me check my calendar) waliau... okay... 4 weeks of no (what's the proper word?) sabbath.

sick...

well, i guess every body has a limit. having shortage of sleep and yet keeping production at a high level has its toll. woke up like normal today, but body badly aching and very hot. even breathing was hard.

still have some work to finish today, so i decided just emergency leave for half a day in the morning. but as time passes, totally wasn't alright. so a trip to the doctor gets me an MC.

being at home, gives me time to think and reflect. though at the moment, i'm more in stuck-brain mode and having a headache. but the quiet time gives me time, to just pause and ask God, how are things at the moment in my life? is it alright or has it been going wrong? who haven't i been asking 'how are you?'

last saturday i went to a wedding in shah alam. it was nice coming together again. seeing my uni friends. really encouraging.
the younger brother was sharing about how he admired his elder brother (bridegroom) and appreciating him. he shared about how his brother always wakes up at pray early in the morning. how does he know? because the brother prays very loudly. and why he doesn't ask him to pray softer or stop praying? because the brother was praying for him and the family.

irony...

its quite interesting to see how some people ridicule or compare those who put people first and those who put career first.

those that put people first would be spending more time with people, and in some ways, have a slower career in effect (ministering to others has its sacrifices.) and they praise those who have put career first and saying 'yeah.. well done... that's the way.' of course, some would still put effort into ministering and balance their efforts well, but most of the time, it is so pale in comparison to the effort and time in career.

and the irony of it is that, the same people that are ridiculing the 'people-first' person are the same ones that are complaining how selfish the world is.

agathians shelter...

reached home at 1a.m. (fri night/sat morn) after picking my mother up. slept about 5 hours and had to wake up to go to Agathians Shelter Home. the boys of mostly primary school age.

the day has gone well despite some hiccups. no injuries and they like the day out. the boys in my car just wished it was a longer day and they could go to the playground.

thank you to everyone in the small group who put in their effort for their preparation on friday and also waking up way early on a saturday. it was really encouraging to see everyone working together.

i have to say i was alright.. but also was very flustered towards the end. i'm not that good with little kids and my tolerance for little kids isn't that high. there were too many of them. but i tried my best lah... apologies to jon and anyone i offended, or 'snapped' a bit...not really a good example... i can still hear the kids voices in my head... 'can i play with the ball?' 'what are we doing now?' 'where to get water?' 'can i go to the playground?' 'what is happening next?'...

leaders, but not followers...

was reminded of something important today.

the tendency for leaders is to lead. always lead. and that strength itself also causes the weakness of an inability to follow. it is varies to different levels for each person.

i remember seeing many times, how someone who is charge gets some sort of a 'dressing down' or 'barriers' because the more experienced leaders were wanting to do things their way because it is better(which is possible) but then at the expense of the schedule of the PIC (person in charge). i find that pretty saddening and told myself to always be aware of that. sometimes alright, sometimes not; of which i regret badly. its not a good example at all.

so when you're in a group of talented leaders, it can get messy. submission is the thing that's needed. and i remember i learnt in OCF how no matter whether you're some great leader or whatever, you still have to submit to the person in charge of the event. even if its a first year student who is organizing. support him. that's the encouragement he needs. the participation, not the words of 'well done'.

i think the most obvious example is comparing youth camps and adult camps. youths will always be following the schedule and participating. for adults, much criticism will be on the schedule/event, followed by an inability to follow (for some 'justified' reason), packaged together with their own preferred schedule which they gladly just do as they wish... and watching from the sidelines.

waiting in KL sentral...

had preparation for our trip to Agathian's Shelter tomorrow. giving all the boys a little trip at Lake Gardens.

got to be at church at 7.45am tomorrow. i'm in trouble for that cause i'm still waiting for my mother to reach KL sentral. her itenary says that she'll touch down at 10.30pm and maybe check out time takes an hour and the train takes 28 minutes. she should be here by 12. but its 12.25am now. this is not good.

my mother's coming back for 2 weeks cause she miss home. really. my sister is also returning from her 6 months exchange programme and it'll be 3 of us together for 2 weeks. (i dread this period a little cause it is lots of logistics to arrange and be careful of... plus the amount of things that is happening that time)...

i'm going to be running on adrenaline tomorrow. though its just a 8-11 thing but its still tiring. fortunate to have my laptop here. but the battery is running out. and so is my body battery. been up since 6am today. in 5 hours more, it'll be 24 hours awake.

ah well, what to do. perhaps this quiet time is what i need. it is pretty quiet. my eyes are going blur a bit. a lot of wifi's provided in KL sentral. well, i guess its a business area and its definitely needed. i don't see many people waiting for this beijing flgiht. got taxi drivers around. the only speaking voice is the bloomberg news, some construction and the occasional mumblings of passer-by's.

had dinner with richard, sylvy, yvonne, chok, eng poh and ian on thursday night. everyone's coming together in KL because Jansen and Sharon are getting married tomorrow. it was so nice to see them again. adults stuff being discussed now and of course, the nonsense. some things never change... haha...

breathe in.. breathe out... breathe in.. breathe out... brain starting to fail too...

evening service...

yesterday at evening service, the pastor was preaching about Daniel. he brought up pretty interesting points. was playing organ again but this time for communion. really blast the Lord's Prayer. it was so grand and majestic.

the pastor read something about courage that he liked. he said,'Courage is fear that has said its prayers.' by Dorothy Bernard. he was elaborating how Daniel, when he was thrown into the lions den, possibly would feel scared. anyone would. possible with Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego. and what did daniel do? he would pray to God to ask for protection and God is faithful. He saves Daniel from the lions den.

faith? yes, we have faith. but when life gets tough, do we still have faith?

a hungry son...

had a senior sunday school midyear review... besides some things being sad and not so good, there were the good things as well.

a little story was shared by ron and it was a lot of insight. i will remember it for a long long time.

a baby cries because he is hungry. the father will feed him.

a 9 yr old son asks his father, 'dad, i'm hungry.' the father puts the cooked food on the table for him to eat. and the son feeds himself.

a teenager son asks his father, 'dad, i'm hungry.' the father replies, 'there's some cooked food in the fridge, go get some'.

an adult son asks his father, 'dad, i'm hungry.' the father replies, 'there's food in the fridge, go cook some'.

this is dealing with the issue of a timeline, the effort of eating food and method of feeding.
we are fed by our father when we are babies. and one stage older, we got to use our hands to pick the food that is prepared for us. another stage older, we go and look to get some ourselves. at the highest stage, we cook some for ourselves to eat.

as we age physically, we realize that in the real world, we want to be more independent and we want the more matured stuff.

unfortunately, for spiritual food. its taken lightly.
a teenager still wants to be fed by the father?

3 songs...

the 3 songs that i decided upon in the end would be what i wanted to lead and worship God with.

1) I will worship (i will give you all the glory)
2) Shout to the Lord
3) Lead Me On

worshipping God with all our heart, our God who is our comfort and shelter... so lead us on, Lord.

Lead Me On
Make my heart tender and pure
Make me strong help me endure
In this hour Let me stand
Hold me close With You I can

So lead me on and I will go
Lead me on and I will follow
Lead me on to where so few have gone
And I will go, I will go
Lead me on

With my heart, I will obey
With my life all the way
Keep my ears to Your wind
And live my life worshipping

oh man...

this is terrible...
am trying to prepare 3 songs... just threeeeee songs...for worship for small group. and even that is tough...

sigh... its like after thinking of a song, and going through the lyrics, nope.. not wanted... can't sing it... and again nope, not wanted.. and it repeats on and on.

its highly probable.. ok.. i'm sure that being in a struggling position and on a tightrope and going down and down... is not a good position to be leading worship. sigh... what is God trying to tell me?

i need to sleep early and this isn't helping...

in God's hands...

haven't been getting enough sleep lately... just having things to do and prepare... sometimes enjoying and being naughty staying up late... seeing major things for the next 6 months already planned, it is daunting and another case of work vs needs vs dreams vs goals vs priorities vs sacrifice. trying to build up the good routine and habits back again... trying to have an hour of quietness.. i just realized i haven't had any sabbath for nearly 3 weeks. seeing this weekend, oh boy... its going to adding another week. that's not too good. at least i am quite productive at work and good results churning, but having really low battery by the end of the day.

a little bit rattled already.

just got to remember, that we're:

tough weekend...

had a tough weekend... but really thank God for bringing me through. i have to say that in hindsight, cause through the 3 days, it was moving too fast and i'm tired to even be thinking about God.

had a farewell dinner on thursday for a colleague who is leaving. then went to ron's house to collect his bbq pit which is HUGE. it fills the boot of a volvo and i had to take the base off. so, go figure...
after coming back from work on friday, scrubbed it for about an hour before going for parish meeting. couldn't go to gym, so this is my workout.

saturday morning had a wedding at 10am. it went well. hearing 'I will be Here' after a long long time brings back a lot of memories. later had music training. singaporeans from the Church of Our Saviour were invited to conduct a training. the exposure was good. unfortunately, had to leave halfway cause MYF bbq starts.

i started the fire well. was proud of the huge flames. but of course, not knowing that its the heat and temperature control that matters. so with some help of more experienced ones, the temperature was lowered and amber spread out and even.

learnt how to skewer the chicken wings also. besides holding mushy marinated chicken wings, it was actually quite stress relieving. i dunno why. perhaps poking steel into flesh gives some um... nice feeling? haha... but it was quite nice. manage to do it fast and smooth.

though there was nearly an accident. there was a wing that was being really stubborn. and i pushed the skewer in harder and yes! poked through... and also feeling the tip rub pass the webbed part of my 3rd and 4th finger. that was a very fortunate case. nearly crucified myself. was much more careful after that.
question: does piercing one palm makes me half a son of God?

sunday was church in the morning. form 4's and 5's had a talk about education and career path. music training continued in the afternoon and had to leave halfway again because had to play piano for the evening choir and organ for the evening service. i took some naps. was too tired.

father's day...

yesterday was father's day. MYFers (uni age) were singing in the choir.

i have to say i was half-hearted and skeptical about it. we only have 10 people regularly coming. 10 person choir? in the end, about 15, but still... 15 person choir? and we're not trained singers... but if president say ok, then ok. manage to find a good song and the MYFers were pretty enthusiastic about it. so i count that good.

ah well, i just prayed and with vocal training by our music director and with practise, the choir dedicated the song well to the fathers. as always, God proves my skeptism wrong.

that sunday was one of the most draining as well. cause i'm playing for the choir to sing for 8am and 10am service. and 'lucky' me that my turn to play for 11.45 service was also on the same sunday.

and it is communion sunday. so, even longer services. i hear the same sermon 3 times about fathers... took communion once only lah... by the end of it, i was in a blurry state. making lots of mistakes during the 11.45 service. was musically-mentally-emotionally drained.

of course lots of jokes came along.. 'so you must be holier today' and 'you must be prepared to be a good father by now'....

Distance...

elvin lum emailed me a link to a site last time in uni.

and when i watched the video, i never forgotten it. i did forget the site, but with a few searches i got it back again, and this time its also on youtube.

a very short clip, but delivers a powerful message. it is a reminder to us all.
especially to many of us who always ask (or scream in frustration) the all-too-familiar question:

"Where is God?"

left or right?

i am having a dilemma. i have to choose between the OCF 55th International Convention (held in Equatorial Melaka) and youth church camp. (i have a wedding clashing also but that's another story).

so, OCF convention or youth camp?

OCF convention was in my heart and mind since i left adelaide nearly 3 years ago. yes, 3 years ago. i was looking forward to the international convention 3 years into the future when i left adelaide. it is something that i was looking forward to and not miss for whatever reason. and as it approaches, details start coming.

my heart sank in some ways. the price is RM600. well, that's equatorial hotel for 5 days. its um.. quite a price. it is 25% of 1 month of my salary, and try imagining a student asking his parents for RM600 for 5 nights stay in a hotel. in melaka. RM600 is a larger bite of an amount for those working in malaysia as well.
and to me lah, there's other worthwhile causes that RM600 can be used for instead of a 5 night hotel stay.

and another heart sinking matter was because it clashes with the church youth camp. i am in the youth ministry and the camp is one of the effective areas of impacting lives. areas of music & games need to be tended to plus the important factor of spending time with the youths.

OCFers local and abroad are already asking who is going or not going. i had to say, maybe. but then, cannot simply delay also lah cause early registration helps the convention.

i'd really love to see the OCFers again. but i don't know whether any of my batch +- 4 years will be going or not. and i also question myself, why am i wanting to go? am i chasing back memories and just wanting to re-live some?
am i still trying to hold onto faded pictures and memories and wanting to re-colour them?

wasn't OCF's vision, 'Reach Out and Prepare, Build Up and Send Home'?
send home to your country that you may be a shining light in your family, church and workplace.
so in the case of church vs OCF, would church come first?

then again, i also question, is the case of me being a bit more reluctant now because of heart-hardening and increased skeptism after 3 years of working?
well, i'm not wanting to be giving those 'matured' excuses such as, 'i'm past OCF already. it is a kid's thing of the past. there are more 'matured' and important things now.'
or the 'change' excuses like, 'things have changed already when you start working.'

then again, nothing's wrong with taking a break to refresh from working & serving. feelings of guilt shouldn't be put upon someone if he can't serve.
hmmm... feelings of guilt also shouldn't be put upon those who can't make it for convention.

ah well... someone told me before i left, that memories of OCF were to serve as a good reminder of God's faithfulness during your uni days as we go through life. but it should not be something that we cling on to and not move forward...

so how?
maybe i'm just thinking too much. i won't die if i did not do the other.
i wonder whether i can go for both...
hmm....

Refuge...

Refuge
City Harvest - Singapore
I sing a love song to You Lord
Every day, every night
Tell of Your goodness and mercy
Tell the world how You rescued me
Picked me up, from sin and shame
Your breath gives me new life

Where can I go from Your presence
Under Your wings I take refuge
Your Spirit lives within my heart
I know, we’ll never be apart

Everyday, I draw closer to You Lord
I long to see Your face
And hide in Your embrace
All my life, dwelling in Your holy place
My heart O Lord You’ve changed
I’ll never be the same

post - terrenganu...

went to Kuala Terrenganu. 14 of us in total so in an Avansa and a van. it is a 7 hour+ journey. and with a loaded van, its tough on the winding roads. i drove and of course it takes its toll on the drivers.

manage to take a boat ride to pulau redang (2 sides) for the 2nd day. enjoyed the snorkeling and the soft sand. very nice. got bbq'ed a bit but thanks to the girls for sharing some sunblock with the guys. guys never learn.

with a budget of RM150 each, we manage to do a lot. thanks to a friend who manage to get us 2 apartments at a discounted cost. of course the guys just rely on the sleeping bags lah and girls shared beds. the bulk of the cost went to the boat ride, costing about RM82 a person.

a few things that i take note of is that the people there are friendly and they talk to us (being complete strangers) and ask us where we are from, what type of trip is this, how old is the group, etc... the cost of food there is low and unique. because if they price it any higher, it is an outrage.

i really welcomed the break. it was a fun trip and its been some time since shearn, jon and i can go to a trip and do nothing at all, except carrying the luggages for the girls.
driving was in some ways calming for me (except the winding roads). i could use the time to think. i was wondering whether will God speak to me during this little trip. but none.. so.. okay..maybe not now.

overall the trip is good. the not so nice part is that 2 of the 3 days is traveling and so cutting in on the time to get to know each other better.

terengganu...

will be at terengganu for 3 days. with the SSS.
need a break.

am so blessed that my manager allowed me for my block leave. well, i did finish my work. when i come back it'll be just in time for reporting and no time lost. God has been gracious and i have always been able to finish in time.

just transferred all my stuff into my laptop. got lots to organize cause i have stuff in 3 places and i need to consolidate it into one so that there's no repetition. pictures and music are the most important. uni stuff and readings resources are the next.

church: consumerism vs community...

this is an issue very close to my heart because i see it happen all the time. and i deeply hope that we, as Christians, remember what is important; God's truths.
i remember reading this some time ago and was searching it again because i was going to teach about fellowship. glad i found it again.

The Corrosion of Consumerism
by Kevin Ford

The church had all the appearances of success. More than two thousand people gathered weekly for worship, the music was cutting edge, the landscape was perfectly maintained, everyone loved the pastor's sermons, and the children's programs were creative and engaging.

But the pastor suspected something was fundamentally wrong. He asked me to take a look at the church. I asked people who attended to give me their general perceptions of the church.

"I love it here." "Things are great." "It's the best church I have attended."

What specifically made the church so appealing?

"The music rocks!" "The dramas make me laugh and cry." "The pastor's sermons are so relevant to my needs." "My teenager plays the bass in the youth band." "My children meet in rooms with jungle creatures painted on the walls." "Everything here is always high quality."

I wondered aloud what would happen if the pastor left or the worship leader resigned or the children's ministry declined in quality. Not one of them batted an eye. Without hesitation, one after the other, the responses flowed: "I would leave." "I'll take my kids wherever I can find the best program."

The members of this church and many others like it were part of a dysfunctional human system. They were "consuming" the church's products without connecting to each other in meaningful relationships or engaging the local community with the transforming power of the Gospel. The "consuming" church springs from the soil of American culture. In contrast, the "transforming" church grows out of the transforming energy of God's creativity.

My consulting firm, TAG, recently conducted the Transforming Church Index national survey. Through it, we discovered five key indicators of church health. We labeled one of the five indicators "consumerism vs. community," and it has to do with how church members relate to each other. Unhealthy churches are a collection of people acting individually, while transforming churches relate as a community.

The quality of community is the quintessential test of the health of a church. Community begins to develop when individuals in the church experience deep, caring relationships; social connections; and a strong personal commitment to the church's mission. Unfortunately, few church leaders are skilled at developing an environment where meaningful and transforming relationships will occur. They desire community, but often don't know how to build it and fail to recognize the impact the American consumer culture has in the church.

By focusing primarily on meeting "market" needs, the church often functions in production mode—the endless creation of the best possible programs, products, and events. While such a search for excellence is, by itself, a positive—even biblical—pursuit, the machinery of endless production works against the development of community.

Consumerism is individualism on steroids. Central to consumerism is "me;" community is "we." "To consume" is the opposite of "to create." We are called to be a creative community.

It is a mistake to think that the church can adopt a consumer-oriented strategy, reach people, and then convert them into lovers of creative community. Too many churches succumb to this "bait and switch" type of strategy. In my work as a consultant, I have seen this strategy fail again and again. It has two inherent, fatal flaws. First, consumers resist change. You can lure them in, but a consumer-oriented strategy will fail to transform them. Second, the consumer is never satisfied. Rather than being transformed into a life of sacrifice and service, the consumer will demand more and more of others.

So how does a church move from creating consumers in the pews to transformed saints? Once this issue of consumerism has been framed and understood, we can apply practical steps to build community. Based on our research and experience, there are five essential building blocks for creating community:
1) Mentoring mission partners—are we fostering a shared sense of purpose in our church?
2) Inviting input—do we seek ideas from everyone?
3) Creating a structure for assimilation—do we have a way to bring people into the fold?
4) Developing small groups—have we created a way for deeper relationships to grow?
5) Building third place—do we have space in our facility for developing relationships outside of worship and Sunday school?

With God's help—and strategic planning—we can begin to move our churches from the American "me" to the biblical "we."

Kevin G. Ford is the chief visionary officer and managing partner of TAG, a management consulting firm specializing in churches. He can be reached at yceditor@yourchurch.net. More information about the Transforming Church Index survey is available at transformingchurch.net. This article is adapted from "Transforming Church" (Tyndale House Publishers, 2007). Used by permission.

Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today, Inc./Your Church magazine.

humility...

In Our Humble Opinion
by Jon Walker

“And being found in appearance as a man, [Jesus] humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:8 NIV)

Humility is such a slippery slope. The more conscious you are of being humble, the less likely you are to remain humble. It’s like the old joke about the humble man who received an award for his ever-present humility. The problem was, once he stepped forward to receive the award, they had to take it away from him. Ha!

The thing is, most of us approach humility in one of two ways:

· The first approach is consciously acting as if we are humble. We create a false humility by trying to imitate what we think humility looks like.

· The second approach is to assume we’re not worthy, that we’re second class and permanently assigned to the back of the bus.

Neither of these approaches reflect authentic, biblical humility. The biblical approach to humility means you understand exactly who you are – but more importantly – you understand exactly whose you are, and that God has placed you where he wants you, for such a time as this. In this way, your humility is not attached to your self-esteem.

In other words, you don’t have to think less of yourself. Rather, you begin to think more of God, and you begin to agree that you are totally dependent upon God, and from this emerges a Christ-like humility. You’re no longer burdened by having to know all the answers or to be in control of everything.

It is God’s job to solve the problems of the world. Your job is to walk in humble obedience to what God tells you to do.

So what?

· Dependence requires humility – You will succeed in your purpose because of who God is, not because of who you are. God loves you and wants you to succeed. He will support you in your mission for him, not because you pretend toward perfection, but because he knows you can’t succeed without him.

· Humility leads to purpose – As you move toward dependence (a biblical humility) on God, he gives you his strength for any task before you and his strength to take the steps of faith required to complete your purpose. For such a time as this, God created you, prepared you, and called you to share the Good News.

· Christ-like humility – Look at the picture of humility Jesus presents in Philippians 2. Ask God to show you what needs to change in your life in order for you to fit into this picture of humility. Where is there false humility? Or where do you believe you are, in a sense, worthless, that you are not fearfully and wonderfully made by God? “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.”

© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.

23rd may...

i am now a quarter of a century. i've been disturbing anyone above me whom i know is turning 25. my turn now.
i have some friends whose maths aren't so good and wished me, 'happy quarter of a decade birthday'. so... well, not my fault that i laugh at them.

received many smses. on the 22nd and also when i woke up the next day. thank you for all the wishes through sms, msn, email, friendster, facebook. technology these days...
on saturday, went to colleagues house to plan a bit for the 'ji mui' thing of a 'pai zhau' of another colleague. it was an awfully hot day. later, we went to watch Night in the Museum 2. no worries, no spoilers. the movies good and reuses old stuff a bit only. amy adams was so adorable again. this time a lady with a strong character, but she's still 'enchanted' in my eyes. went for dinner later and a good time it was.

had a voicemail.. and i admit i don't usually listen to voicemail. i'll usually call the person back. but i thought this time... just listen lah. well, well, well. i thought i'd be able to escape the traditional special out-of-tune birthday song in small group, but nope, its delivered nicely to me on the hp. the happy birthday song at its WorsT. some more they left the recording for a long time and can hear them laughing and talking after they finish singing. and i did keep it.

called handy and shelley in adelaide. was wonderful to hear their voices again. one bright & cheerful, one slow & calm. that's how they complement each other. haha... catching up with them and yeah.. these are my friends... no.. brothers and sisters that i grew up with in uni. from 19? and now 25... 6 years. thank you so much for your family-ship, honesty, encouragement, forgiveness and transparency. the list will never end...

was suppose to go for church camp but leave was frozen due to work. so ok. was quite funny when susan called me to play for the services. its like all the musicians are at camp and she's scratching her head wondering who is 'left behind'. played organ for 10 a.m. and then clavi for 11.45 a.m. kenny taught a new song 'I Will Sing' from Hillsong Kids. i think its a beautiful song.

after church came home, rested a bit and went to the zoo. yes, the National Zoo with my colleagues. most of them are from outstation and so haven't been to the zoo. so all the way from pj and damansara which is far to the zoo and later dinner together. the zoo, unfortunately hasn't been maintained well. it did look great long time ago when they just refurbished. perhaps funds are just getting lower and lower. what more in these times...

17th May...

played the clavi for theresa for 11.45 a.m. service. we practiced what we could on tuesday, the sycn'ing, the flow, the meaning etc... but everyone was tired.

well, i was fighting the feeling of just wanting the sunday to just pass. and i kept on reminding myself, let God lead.

and lead, God did. time and time again, God shows Himself and makes His presence known among us as we worship. we lift up our gifts and put it in His hands and "God, may it be worthy for You."

as we sang the bridge of 'I Adore' by hillsongs,
'Holy Holy, God Almighty,
and forever the Lord is exalted,
hear the angels shout His anthem,
Ever living God, we adore You'
... just couldn't stop... jon and i were looking at each other; 'how? play some more ah? how to stop? cannot stop leh? ok lah... theresa say go on.. let's go'.

Mother's Day: 10th May...

sunday schoolers slept over in preparation for mother's day. did a last practise (pretty much a final rehearsal) from 8pm -10pm before the next day. and a lot stayed. a 40-strong choir. the sleepover was fun and i'm sure it would help in the gelling within SSSers.

they were up early the next morning and knocking on my door to have access to the shower. i know they were groggy. i don't think they actually slept. haha... but the atmosphere was buzzing with anticipation and though the faces may not show it, the excitement is there. we were in the sanctuary at 7.20 a.m. i bet some have not been in the church this early before. haha... warm up the voices and do sound checking. they adjourned to the vestry before walking to the choir chairs.

the first point of contact was the SSSers who were greeters. giving the 'good mornings' and smiles to the congregation as they enter. they did it SSS style. 2 rows of people leading to the main entrance.

it was interesting to see the faces of the congregation as 40 red-dressed youths walk out and take their places at the choir area.

as much as it is preparations for mother's day, it is also worship to God. and this is a choir of youths dedicated to God. introit was a beautiful acapella. the anthem was the main dedication to the mothers. i emailed the SSSers earlier that our goal is to make the mothers cry. hee hee... evil... i dunno whether any did or not. to top it all, SSS distributors distributed gifts to the mothers from the church accompanied with 'happy mothers day'.

even the sermon was good. the speaker talked about the biblical women in the bible and their roles in the lives of others. big or small, they were women of faith. and as she gave the examples, it brings back memories of girls/women who have crossed my path and also to those now in time. we are so in shortage of such women in today's world. men included.

after both services, allan received very encouraging responses (and also of amazement) about the SSSers. Glory to God! i hope the song has touched many lives.

i was zonked out after it all. jon and i slept in the church office during 11.45 service. disclaimer: he was at one end of the table and i was at the other. i guess its alright, we've heard the sermon twice already and i'm going to hear it a 3rd time in 6pm service cause i'm the organist. so i don't want to hear it 4 times.

what a saturday...

9th may...
1pm SSS band practise
3pm teach 'fellowship' in MYF
6pm friends wedding dinner at house
8pm SSS choir practise
10pm stayover at church

band practise was for worship for both 8 and 10 am services as the SSS band. manage to gel and coordinate and balance the sound and flow.

as MYF is doing the summary of the masterlife bible study, it was my turn to teach and about fellowship. tough one. i couldn't figure out how to wordify something which is abstract. there is no fix thing to identify fellowship cause it varies, from culture, environment, age, styles etc...

after small group, i decided i just got to get it done now even though i have a frame but couldn't word it down properly. followed the masterlife book and also the purpose driven life.

i couldn't say fellowship means something. its not as simple as A=B sort of description.
Acts 2:42-47 was the main frame of the my sharing on fellowship. touching areas of loving others whom we we say don't deserve our love, how we are built for relations, God working through others with reference to Eph 4:16, real fellowship has authenticity, mutuality, sympathy, mercy.

then about church (about consumerism vs. community culture). the church is like a hospital; where the sick can come and get healing (grace), and not being turned away or looked down (judged and condemned).

and later left with some question to discuss:
1) What’s the difference between fellowship and socializing?
2) Is one holier than the other?
3) Can a church be a social club?

dinner with ocfers...

5th may
Uni SA OCFers meet up a lot more compared to OCF adelaideans. why? i have no idea. it was a bit last minute but early enough. making my way to SS2 was new. i have no idea, so just drive with the map book loh. managed safely.. phew..

and met siew seen + chen, joel + chui leen, yvonne & stephanie. unfortunately a few others couldn't come. it is the peak period for a lot of industries at the moment.

joel and chui leen dropped by in KL for about 2 weeks. and its so funny hearing all of them catch up. we haven't been in contact for about 4 years? but after just warming up and realising everyone hasn't left behind the openness, cheerfulness, dramaness, lameness and faith.

and i noticed that each of them are somehow linked in some way; either by housemates or discipler-disciplee. but everyone was in OCF and they were my seniors; married and entering the baby stage. okay... learnt a lot.. haha...

went home with many thoughts... refreshed.

wake service...

3rd may...

a few days earlier, got an sms from ronald that the mother of a SSS friend last time passed away after battling cancer for 9 years. he just came back and was keeping in contact with him through little smses. unfortunately we couldn't meet up due to different schedules and all that. together with chang hong, we went down on sunday night to the wake service. myfers were there too.

and its just weird that in the end, i meet up with him in the wake service. sigh... he, sister and younger brother. kevin is a young man in the grooming, doing what is needed as the eldest son of the family. will meet up with him later on.

also met a friend whom i didn't see for 15 years. the last time i saw her was 10 years old at a sunday school camp. saw her face and that's familiar. where.. more like when did i see her? hmm... could it be? a bit scared but i went and ask her anyway, and yup, a friend long time ago.

i remember pastor sivin said that he likes funerals because it is a time that we question is there more to life? what happens after death? is that the end? death and funerals help us keep our perspective in life to what really matters.

Jessica's wedding...

2nd may...
Jessica's wedding. was suppose to team up with ronald for a presentation but fortunately not needed to.

here is a sister whom i grew up with in sunday school and had many laughs. in many ways, we click from our passion for God, youths and music to the lame jokes. when i went to adelaide, she was already in OCF canberra and encouraged me to join OCF. with blips in my uni life, she was also available to help and guide me. many times she'd be going 'wake up, william! open your eyes!' until she could do no more and uphold me in prayer.

she even made a beautiful art card for me; reminding me that nothing separates me from the love of God. she told me that while she was making it, one of her friends teased her cause she wrote 'nothing can separate us from the love of God' and he was stressing the 'us' part dramatically, trying to follow the titanic voice over of 'nothing could keep their love apart'. well, i dunno who you are but i have to say that was funny.

it was in bangsar seafood village.. again... the same waiter served my table..again.. i recognise him (i think that's bad). jessica made nice bookmarks with her wedding pictures on it... so cool. they were really beautiful.

what touched me the most was when david and her were giving their speeches which of course was also about each other. i could totally identify with what they said. their speech is probably what i would say as well next time. the reason being what they spoke is just what an OCFer would speak and i totally knew and understood what they were speaking of and where they come from. the passion for God, the faith and trust, the gratefulness to God, parents and friends, the values, the selflessness, the mindset, their hearts, the journey, how they relate to each other and talk of each other. its just all too familiar.

really congratulations to them. a faithful couple. i read somewhere about God's maths: let's say 1 person can do 10. but when its 2 together, they can do 100. and i'm sure that's going to happen for them.

oh.. last point. if she wasn't dressed in her wedding gown, i would have walked past her trying to look for her. that's how different she looked. utterly beautiful.

labour day...

i totally forgotten about labour day and yay! a holiday... 4 (working) day weeks are great...

knowing that a busy period lies ahead of us, we thought to have a trip and i was suggesting a one day trip sort of thing. e.g. drive up to genting to eat and walk about, or drive to ipoh for lunch and then come back or melaka... cause it'd be hard to go for the whole weekend because of schedules and money.

in the end, after much discussion, Kuala Selangor. 50km. went through sungai buloh and it was pretty fast. no jam except at one portion of the traffic lights. one of our colleagues stays at sekinchan so she and her darling could be our tour guides. 4 of us went in one car.

we went to the padi field. wow! all green and the same height and so wide and far...the buildings around were small and the sky was bright blue with clouds trickled on it. we actually went in to the borders and dirt road. parked our cars and pretty much spend about an hour or so posing and taking pictures till sunset.

one of my colleagues have a sharp eye for angles and poses (plus funny pictures) and he and i were laughing so much cause we were trying to take as much dramatic or model photos as we can.

we went to the kelip-kelip place but its labour day and yes, everyone's there. an hour wait! so we just skipped it and looked for dinner. but everyone's there too. 2 hour wait at one restaurant and another had no more food. haha... in the end we found a place and cooled down and enjoyed the food and at a good price too.

i have to say it was a good break. away from the city and everything. i can just not think about anything related to it and have fun and just enjoy standing out in the sun, in the breeze, looking around and enjoying it.

roses...

the roses on the 26th of may were beautiful. and coming from me who don't know much about flowers, it does mean something. haha...

it was deep, dark red. so pure... i'm more of a purists when it comes to roses; that i like and prefer and declare that roses should be in its original form of the deep, dark red. its like its so full of love and passion... something serious and pure. these roses were huge too.

i look at it (and stared for quite some time too) and i really marvel at God's creation. this is God's decoration and His decoration has life. He really is an artist.

which does bring a question to myself... when was the last time that i could press 'pause' or 'stop' in my life, to smell the roses?

full day...

26th april...
and i thought nothing would beat one of the sundays i had last time. but i found the record breaker. this sunday.

8.00 a.m. Masterlife Bible Study
9.30 a.m. SSS worship practise
10.00 a.m. SSS starts
11.45 a.m. Service
1.00 p.m. Lunch with pastor and small group
4.00 p.m. Evening choir practise
6.00 p.m. Organist (& pianist) for evening service
7.30 p.m. Leave for relatives house
9.00 p.m. Home

i do question myself why am i doing this. it was in my schedule. i just so happens that everything fell on the same sunday. its usually split up. but urgency brought it all to one sunday. so, an interesting day.

the heart for youths and music in action is what happens here. i know people will say, that's too much, be careful of burn out. yes, i hear your advice. i'm careful of that too. i know it would be a tough day and i just pray to God to sustain me through this day of service.

some may say that i'm wasting my time. what's the point? no rewards or anything. well... don't ask me, ask God.

parish meeting at my house...

24th april...
setapak parish meeting was held at my house. so couldn't go to small group and came back home quickly to set up the tables and everything else. was a little bit of pain missing SG but then i don't mind opening my house for the parish meeting. what i thought would be a draggy night actually brought many insights and a call.

a lot of the friends/youths that i grew up with aren't coming to parish meeting anymore. well, i understand when they don't see the point of coming anymore; especially when there is uni and struggle in faith. all grown up and we question ourselves, are we coming to parish meeting because we are following our parents or because we want to?

as the youths are growing up, so are the seniors growing older. it is becoming an aging parish. it was nice seeing the familiar uncles and aunties and also getting to know others better. and listening to the history that they have been through; their life.

a call.
a revaluation of the heart. a heart checkup.
the speaker was a nepali pastor. memories of OCF floods back into my mind about how aunty merrilyn would share about pastor manja and his prayer needs, about the people, about the pastors school, about her mission there. i've never been to nepal before though.

as he shared how he came to know God, his life and how God lead him to malaysia and then his journey here in malaysia, i was very touched and encouraged by his heart for people.

a call came to me. what am i doing now? and yes... WHAT am i doing NOW? the current snapshot at that point was terrible. possibly the busy-ness of churchwork was straining me and the heart that God groomed me through OCF was fading. immediately, i sent out a string of smses to the friends that i haven't heart of in a long time.

perhaps God would have it that i learn this lesson. it would be bitter because the father of a close friend of mine during school passed away in january. and i only know now in april. tell me, what kind of follower of Christ is this? a friend wouldn't even do that. i was very ashamed. there's more, but one story is more than enough.

i failed the very pinnacles of selflessness and following Christ which i believe and strive for. some smses were not so good news, but for some replies, i was fortunate and just in time. now whenever i'm approached for stuff, i think twice or maybe 10 times.

i learned in BB last time. J.O.Y. and in order of priority; Jesus, Others, You.

meet up with florence (missing hui chuan)...

22nd april...
florence was staying over at a friends place and i manage to have dinner with her. its hard to meet up cause she's in Serdang. i brought her to Kuan's cause its a nice, cosy and average price place. we tried to get hui chuan to come also but he couldn't make it. i think it was church prayer so okay...

catching up and just sharing about our lives. help, encouragement, advice, the worries, the cares, the burdens, a listening ear, wisdom, discussion, wondering about hui chuan.

it is really encouraging... the last time we met up was in mid-feb. it was weird how our paths cross. at the only I-bridge camp '06 that i went. we were all in the same group and just kept in contact then. i dunno how, but just clicked loh.

i just came back from uni and so ngam just saw ee ling's blog about GCF i-bridge camp. met lots of people. of course i can't keep in contact with all. and i just keep in consistent contact with florence and hui chuan. come to think of it, i dunno how we ended up just 3 of us meeting consistently. hmm... can't remember.

good friends are hard to find. wait.. i rephrase.. good brothers and sisters are hard to find.

april 19...

Senior Sunday School (SSS) will be serving in the service on Mother's Day, that is, May 10.

Choir, Distributors, Greeters, Crafts Team. plans were written and of course after discussion and brain-storming, a more solid plan came out and with slight changes here and there as practices go. thank you so much to the teachers who are supporting me so much cause i'm assigned to head this project. Ronald helping the choir, Allan overall, Carol the crafts section (making wool bangles) and Robin in the distribution and greeters. all the other teachers join the various sections together with the youths.

many things could be confirmed fast except a few things. one of the major things was the anthem. it is one of the main things. what song should be sung? for mothers? could probably sing some common song or some secular song which is all normal. what is special? what is a real dedication? what is real effort for mothers?

headache. no joke. searched my library. searched the internet. searched among friends. searched as hard as i could, but just couldn't find. and you know how a pain it is on the internet. time was running out. and i decided to make an effort to write a song... more like rushing one.. just in case i can't find. a last resort. and i just kept on trying the internet as well. and just about 5 days before the first practise, i found the song. phew!

its a beautiful song. titled 'A Mother's Hands' by Ruth Elaine Schram.

A Mother's Hands.

A mother's eyes see her child as a treasure
And with its cry breathes a sigh of pure pleasure
A mother's hands wipe a salty tear away
Then lovingly prepare the meals for the day

A mother's eyes see potential and promise
The baby's life as an unpainted canvas
To fill with joy and with light
As she teaches wrong from right
Filling everyday with love

Chorus:
And we will rise up and call her blessed
We will rise up and call her blessed
She is the hand of God in the cold, dark world
And we honor her
And we honor her

A mother's "name" speak with wisdom and kindness
And say the prayers that become the ties that binds us
A mother's hands clean and dress the wounds that bleed
And selflessly she reaches out to all in need

A mother's eyes sees the good all around her
And trust the scriptures to guide and to ground her
She is more precious than jewels
In her life the Saviour rules
Filling everyday with love

11th - 12th april...

this weekend is the easter weekend. there is prayer vigil which starts on friday night till sunday easter morning. the small group chose a late saturday prayer shift (last year we did 1-3a.m.). i was sick and couldn't make it. but kim sent me the passage they were meditating on and i did it at home.

MYF does the easter cross flower decoration every year. about 8 of us went to the cheras cemetery to pluck jasmine flowers. the last time i heard, they climb the trees or pull down the branches as low as possible while others pick or they carry each other. thank goodness i brought the fruit cutter (the one with a string and a stick and a blade at the top to cut when the string is pulled). cause all the trees were tall and the nice flowers were up there.

it rained heavily. it was kind of demoralizing but after a while i just decided to come out and try and cut. yes, i was sick but i just stick under the umbrella. so it was kind of a little adventure. we collected a lot of flowers. four garbage bags. came back to church and we choose the best ones and stick pins in it and then on the sponge on the wooden cross.

it is something beautiful. white and with pink flowers in the middle.

8th-14th april..

was sick 2 weeks ago... and struggling to heal. drank lots of water and whatever else i could think of. but maybe not enough rest cause the dry throat keeps me coughing at night all the time. wake up at 3 a.m. every time just to drink some water but still cough. and sometimes cough till i vomit out the water i just drank.

and sigh, i fell sick again. started feeling cold on tues, today(8th apr) woke up with fever, cold and sore throat. i'm on antibiotics for the 2nd time. very bad. doctor couldn't believe it too. i was in a very bad mood. cause its not as though i didn't put effort into trying to heal and keep healthy. was quite discouraged.. and in pain.

and some more i'm busiest at work for the first half of every month. fortunately i finish my work as fast as possible and none of the reports were delayed. the next day(9th apr) had to take leave again cause just coughing nonstop and can't sleep. utterly drained and spirit was weak.

had no choice but go to work on friday(10th apr) cause things were due. really just suffered through that day. couldn't go to work on monday (13th) but on tues (14th) took half day in morn and had to go to work in the afternoon cause reports are due again. just persevered man...

4th april...

jon asked us whether i and a few others in small group can play/sing for an easter rally in BB cause there wasn't any before and also to minister to the Boys. so ok, can... manage to get allan to speak. he spoke about who Jesus is and what is easter.

i can't remember the figures but there were those who accepted Jesus, those who want to know more and those who recommitted their lives again. it is something new for BB and it was good that they were transparent and openly express their own decision.

it was something extra to do, but its worth it because this is about lives we're talking about. these are the youths; God's children. it also brings back memories for me when i was a BB Boy. taught me a lot about discipline and managing anger. there were some other not-so-good sides but that's another story. BB still played a significant part in my life. and as i see these young Boys, i can only pray for them that they grow to be Christian men in the future, loving God and impacting others around them.

at the end of it, we got BB smart-T. its a wow for me. totally didn't expect it. but told him, next time when we come, we'll wear the smart-T.

28th march...

it was my turn to share in Methodist Youth Fellowship (MYF) and i decided to share about 'Finishing Strong'.
it did kept a few guessing what i was going to share. and by the title, they were pretty excited and having high expectations.. which kind of scared me. the title was from a book written by Steve Farrar. it impacted me a lot especially when i was going through my uni days...

and yes, i was sick earlier and very weak. the fever, diarrhea and vomiting resulted in me losing my voice. i could barely speak. and i was praying hard, Lord please heal me cause i'm going to share and if it was something you had impressed upon me to share, then heal me. i smsed others to pray for healing too.

i prepared a lot for this sharing about Finishing Strong because it is something that means a lot to me. about perseverance, about getting up, about faith and trust in God, about teachability, humility. after preparation, i sent it out for checking by my seniors to make sure that its sound teaching and sharing. then edit a few more times.

well... i just trust God lah.. and who knows God will heal me at 2.59pm just before MYF starts. so i waited.. but i was not healed. still voiceless and in pain. well, gave up loh(yes.. the irony). my president took over a while... but of course unprepared. in the end, i decided just share lah.

important thing learnt.
the sharing went well, but not on my voice. i have to say that besides the preparation, i was also practising the way i will be speaking.

26th march...

went to Yaki-Yaki buffet with colleagues on tuesday (24th March). it was a 50% discount thing. in bukit bintang. they have live coals there for you to bbq the meat and others. and there's lots of different sauces.

i didn't really go for much meat cause its a japanese buffet. so the sushi is the main thing right? well... i have to say it is quite fair. they don't hide the good/expensive stuff like some places do. the salmon and everything else were flowing non stop. they has some little gourmet stuff too. dunno what it was but it tasted good.

it was a long time since i ate anything that rich. i keep my expenses low and i usually settle for bread, simple lunch or ... don't eat at all. so eat a lot loh. maybe a bit too much cause this is where i fell sick terribly.

i was already feeling weak and cold at the end of the working day on tuesday before going to eat. the next morning, i was feeling cold and weak... fever, cold, dizzy... had to MC. saw the doctor and went on antibiotics.

then on weds night (thurs early morn), started to have diarrhea. pain and no sleep at all. had to MC and see the doctor again who gave me medicine for diarrhea. suffer and struggle. about 11a.m. had to just close my eyes and lie down... then suddenly felt like vomitting. and vomit i did. a huge atomic bomb. and after that felt better...

i still have no idea what made me fell sick. was it because i was weak and cold in office? or the buffet? but then i only had diarrhea and vomitting 2 days later. if it was the buffet, it should happen on the first day. oh well...