3 a.m.

i'm awake early... very much early.

we saw the whole journey of evangelistic night end. one of the memorable events. we saw the magnitude of the event and the amount of people that was needed to help was a lot. God has indeed shown Himself again through the musical.

i'd like to be very dramatic and say, 'its the end of all things'. but i thought again.
its not the end.

we have just seen 700 seeds planted. assuming 200 were OCFers but there's still 500. 7 have accepted Jesus Christ into their lives.

pray ever ferverently for the seeds that are planted.

2 Timothy 1:8-10
Do not be ashamed, then, of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God, who saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace.
This grace was given to us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

move closer...

had a draggy day today. but was highlighted with good work progress and calling a good friend up in perth. its her 21st birthday on the 24th aug. i'm guaranteed the first cause i called adelaide time. heh heh... thanks to danny's 3 phone also.

anyway, was also reminded of this story that i got from someone's website some time ago. God whispers.

Move Closer
-author unknown-

Not long ago I heard a story about a young man and an old preacher.

The young man had lost his job and didn't know which way to turn. So he went to see the old preacher.

Pacing about the preacher's study, the young man ranted about his problem. Finally he clenched his fist and shouted, "I've begged God to say something to help me, preacher, why doesn't God answer?"

The old preacher, who sat across the room, spoke something in reply, something so hushed it was indistinguishable. The young man stepped across the room. "What did you say?" he asked. The preacher repeated himself, but again in a tone as soft as a whisper. So the young man moved closer until he was leaning on the preacher's chair.

"Sorry," he said. "I still didn't hear you." With their heads bent together, the old preacher spoke once more. "God sometimes whispers," he said, "So we will move closer to hear him." This time the young man heard and he understood.

We all want God's voice to thunder through the air with the answer to our problem. But God's is the still, small voice... the gentle whisper. Perhaps there's a reason.

Nothing draws human focus quite like a whisper. God's whisper means I must stop my ranting and move close to Him, until my head is bent together with His. And then, as I listen, I will find my answer. Better still, I find myself closer to God.

memories of home...

i didn't touch friendster much. but today, i thought, hmmm... why not? and yes, there are a lot of updated photos and mine was still the same. i still look the same anyway so just added one or 2 more photos.

it brings back a lot of memories of home. it wasn't just about events, but in my thoughts, it was also about character and the elements and essence of 'william'. it was pretty much a lot of thoughts. of changes, of improvements, of regrets, of disappointments. i question, had i been better? or worse? after going through 2 and half years of uni overseas.

sadly, i would say that in many ways, i did not react in godly ways to events and situations. i would have misplaced my thoughts many times, leaving my spiritual foundations and fundamentals in malaysia. i ask for forgiveness for disappointing and hurting others. i know i am not giving God my best.

comparing in church back home and now, its worse. or is it not?
okay, here i realised, i had to stop cause it was getting a bit too personal. and interestingly, so my journal starts again. in the end, blogs have their limits.

but i also thank God in many ways for building me and teaching me. maturing me. though i still love to disturb people. but i have learnt the seriousness in dealing with situations, wisdom, um.... okay, i haven't gathered my thoughts for this area. give me some other time to type this.

5 a.m.

well, thank arthur and danny who were studying till 5 a.m. on friday 'early' morning. so they could still send me to RAH emergency. my right arm pit was swelling. that's where the lymph nodes are. that got me even more worried.

seeing the doctor, she couldn't do much cause i did not know what bit me. after a second doctor came to check my hand, they decided to I.V antibiotics into me and send me home with some penicillin. still couldn't sleep with the itchiness.

by friday night, i couldn't see my 3rd knuckle. that was bad. and with the constant itchiness and pain, i was pretty much in a bad mood plus not having sleep. but being able to praise God and just getting to talk with others, it certainly lightens the heart.

am kind of thankful for having the itchy swollen hand. it serves as a reminder to look unto God all the time. reminded me of Paul's thorn by his side. been sleeping while hugging the cold bottle of coke to numb my hand to waking up every 20 minutes to put my hand under the cold water from the tap just to stop the itchiness for a while.

today, sunday, my hand is so much better already. i can now see my 4th knuckle and some veins. yay! thank you for your prayers and at least i can sleep peacefully now. :) rehearsals went well. i'm not sure what it fully looks like but hopefully all improvements can be made. and also the clarity of the speaking and singing is a little bit worrying.

street-e is tomorrow. pray for all the OCFers who are going out that they would be filled with the Spirit and be courageous as well as protected.

what the?

waking up this morning, my right hand, where the last knuckle is, started to itch. and itch real badly for the rest of the day it did. (9-6pm) i couldn't sleep last night, so i turned in early. and when i woke up. it swelled even worse and its 3 red dots in a line. i have no idea.

i researched up spider bites or tick bites cause the swelling is significant, not to mention the itchiness and the pain. its like my whole hand is cold except the swelling part where it is pretty heated up. some other parts are hurting as well, near my joint of my right arm and my shoulder. got kind of worried, not wanting to lose my finger or its ability.

had been having some health problems lately. going to see the doctor tomorrow. to check the hand and maybe for the tiredness as well. it could be my sleeping pattern, my diet, or just lazy.

better attempt some reading since i'm awake with the pain. been making a playlist of meaningful songs, worshipping God and more of personal worship of the heart.

moods...

i have never faced a paper, or 3 pages that i can spend an hour on. and this is not that it is super interesting but more of the effort of trying to understand.
i sat 3 hours in the library. and i don't understand. there are parts here and parts there. i think its going to take super long concentrating train of thinking. financial modelling techniques... sigh...

at home, at night, still doing the paper. the mood was going down but was lightened with my housemates singing in the bathroom. arthur was practising and singing in the bathroom, doing a good job in his effort to remember the lyrics and also lightening up my mood. hahaha... he was reciting his script and the other actors parts. he knows it by heart!
it is very funny. but i can see he is making the effort to 'live' in his role.

been doing purpose driven life again. and it does lighten my heart. and helping me focus. meditation on His Word. reminded me of verses in sunday school.
"how can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your Word. ... I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that i may not sin against You." Psalm 119:9,11

6 a.m.

it's 6 a.m.
i have no idea, i just woke up with a sudden jolt at 5.30 a.m. maybe i had enough rest?

on sunday, at church, the visiting pastor preached about revelations 2:1-7. he also did mention about how people don't read revelation because its a lot of prophecy and a deep part of the bible which is true. the portion he was refering to does, in the end, teach us what is the core of our faith, and what should be the core in everything that a believer does in his life.

in revelations 2:2-7(NIV), (to the church in Ephesus)

i know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. i know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. you have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

yet i hold this against you: you have forsaken your first love. remember the height from which you have fallen! repent and do the things you did at first. if you do not repent, i will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. but you have this in your favor: you hate the practices of the Nicolaitans, which i also hate.

he who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. to him who overcomes, i will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

- a reminder...

sister...

hmmmm....

things got out of hand a little. i wasn't controlling my days properly and may be losing focus. i need to take control and make sure that i'm controlling as in knowing my days and what i'm going through.

spiritually i thought i was alright, or should have been alright. but i wasn't. and thinking that healing will come quickly doesn't help. healing comes with time.

i got kind of worried. for my faith. prayer was hard and meaningless.
i feel snappy. and like a pent-up-anger type of feeling. i don't feel like talking to anyone. thinking that i had been pretty 'gentle' all the time, i kind of had been wanting to be direct (or maybe it was releasing the pent-ness) to anyone, straight to the point/face.

that's when i got even more worried. wondering in my own words, 'what the?'
sitting alone, trying to compose myself. i knew i had to take hold of purpose driven life, at least for a read and meditation. thank you to a sister, who came and talk to me. just sitting down like brother and sister, it is comforting. thank you for the advice and encouragement. i'll get back to purpose driven again...

memories...

i don't know who has heard of this song before. it is an old and simple song, but beautiful and meaningful. its a sweet song. probably can make it dramatic... haha...

Make Me Like You
written by Jimmy and Carol Owens
(1978)

Lord make me like You
please make me like You
You are a servant, make me one too
Oh Lord I am willing
do what You must do
to make me like You Lord
please make me like You

i remember it was my mother that taught me this song long time ago. of course i mentioned that it sounds like an old song. but it brings back memories of home and how it was back home. church, school, sports, home.

brought up in a school that encourages excellence and being all-rounder, and its a boys school, you can imagine the ego that is oozing and overflowing. what is it then to be a servant?
when i became a prefect, you are a student leader. i wouldn't say that i was a good prefect to start with. i had a lot to learn. it was my first time and i tried my best. eventually (thanks to my other friends) i caught the pace and example. but i remember how hard it was for the other prefects, to see me being a servant to the students. leading and maintaining discipline, but also serving.

i've sidetracked many times these past 2 weeks. but am healing and finding ground again.

4 a.m.

sigh... been sleeping at 4 a.m. for the past 2 days.
half the time i did work. but having every possible entertainment deleted off my comp is taking its toll. unknowingly, i'm addicted to watching or reading something when eating. and music, but i'm aware of that anyway.

work being done, good stuff.
but not waking up late and having an aching body.

thankfully today, i have no class. no, it's not a free time. its a full-on finishing-tutorial day. and with half the day gone, i pretty much have to speed up.
things are slowly gaining control and tempo lately. am happy.

spent time at lincoln college yesterday. and it reminded me so much of college life. its a part i'll always remember. one of the starting points coming overseas. and also after that, realising even more that i'm going to be an oldie's oldie. waliau!
i give thanks to God for placing wonderful people around me in college that had supported me in my times of weakness.

day 3 yesterday

saw justin's analyzing. it's true with what everyone is going through. i was reading this portion and saw how Paul had been praying for the others. i pray that for those that are struggling too.

Ephesians 3:16-19
I pray that, according to the riches of his glory, he may grant that you may be strengthened in your inner being with power through his Spirit, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love. I pray that you may have the power to comprehend, with all the saints, what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to Him who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

prayer...

have we forsaken meaningful, silent, solitude, fasting, earnest, honest, open, confessing, praising, worshipping, thanksgiving, loving, seeking, communicating, heart-to-God's heart, obedient, faithful prayer to God?

check your heart.

do again...

i saw my previous post. it is a total mess. a true reflection of what is happening to me and also what's been happening to my heart.

too many thoughts and thinking had my brain totally burnt out for some long moments when time was turning to the late evening. by 6.15 pm, i had to sleep. i was too stretched already. and sleep was good. i woke up in a daze.

chok was right. i needed to do 'purpose driven life' again. to refocus. fight on, so it seems that it have to be.

"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone."
Ephesians 1:11 (Msg)

???

sorry for not having posted for some 'while'. i usually post when there are reflections and godly reflections. sadly there wasn't any.

times have been in the downs and confusing.
i'm sorry again, for some things i cannot post.
but it has been a down week in spiritually.
my faith shaken. and with confusion.
a lot of things to do with the future.
lying on the risky edge where anything could happen.
the level uncertainty is too high.

why no Bible verses?
because i had pretty much didn't want to think about it.

in short, been through times of blankness and lostness. confused and being angry at the same time didn't help. times where i wonder why, again?, huh?, so what about God's Will?

well, we'll see...
there's pretty much a lot of formal stuff that i have to do.

Matthew 6:33
But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.
Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.
When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart,

1 Peter 4:8-11
Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins.
Be hospitable to one another without complaining.
Like good stewards of the manifold grace of God, serve one another with whatever gift each of you has received.
Whoever speaks must do so as one speaking the very words of God; whoever serves must do so with the strength that God supplies, so that God may be glorified in all things through Jesus Christ. To him belong the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.

Luke 12:48
But the one who did not know and did what deserved a beating will receive a light beating. From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded.

Rom 12:1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Exodus 33:13-15
Now if I have found favor in your sight, show me your ways, so that I may know you and find favor in your sight. Consider too that this nation is your people."
He said, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
And he said to him, "If your presence will not go, do not carry us up from here.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.'
1 Corinthians 2:9