And I Thank You, Lord...

One of the rare songs that is about trials (what more thanking God for it...) and a confession of our human nature where we depend on ourselves and make decisions and choices to serve ourselves than to serve God or be obedient to God. 

a song of perseverance, trials and test of faith, learning and growing instead of harbouring bitterness and hurt, humble confession of our human nature.

God is at the very end of our journey.

take time to ponder on the lyrics...

And I Thank You Lord

Copyright 1972 by Lexicon Music, Inc

And I thank you, Lord,
for the trials that come my way.
In that way I can grow each day
as I let you lead,
And thank you, Lord,
for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.And I thank you, Lord,
with each trial I feel inside,
that you're there to help,
lead and guide me away from wrong.
'Cause you promised, Lord,
that with every testing,
that your way of escaping is easier to bear.

But it goes against the way
I am to put my human nature down
and let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come,
my human nature shouts the thing to do;
and God's soft prompting
can be easily ignored.

And I thank you, Lord,
for the victory that growing brings.
In surrender of everything
life is so worth while.
And I thank you, Lord,
that when everything's put in place,
out in front I can see your face,
and it's there you belong.

how did october fly by?

how did it fly by?
i have no idea.
like a whirlwind.

i have to open up google calendar. looking at it, i can see how it flew by. a non-stop action month plus a 'bonus' of assignments to hand up. it really pushes things. but praise God for helping to go through.

preparation work increases because it is not just about the structures but it is also about the people. structures are of no use if there is no purpose or if the people do not understand and know the purpose. we are very familiar with the term 'seek and ask God for guidance and direction'. and its no easy task to be doing so or remembering so with so many deadlines...

a dream with full senses... weird...

had a dream that i got a car accident..
i was driving on a familiar highway. i had the viewpoint from the driver, saw the car going up the flyover, then hit a rough patch of road, lost control, the car went high up. had the slow-mo feeling of dying as the car was in the air, with panic and horror shock at the same time.

my whole body felt it. the heart and mind felt it, knowing that the point of death is coming, and i woke up. but it was more like body woke up because of a sudden jolt. my body was in shock and in a state of heightened senses.

i wonder whether that's the feeling... what does that dream mean?

a tanner...

was watching Discovery channel and there was a documentary of the tanning of leather in Morocco where they have been making leather the same way they have been doing for thousands of years.

 in the Bible, the disciple Peter stayed with Simon the Tanner.
Acts 10:5-6
 "Now send men to Joppa to bring back a man named Simon who is called Peter. 6 He is staying with Simon the tanner, whose house is by the sea".

below is a video showing how the skin is soaked in guano (bird poo) and cow urine to preserve the skin. 
Tanning in Morroco

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. they had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.

"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blesings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? "

"To me, it means that someone has stolen our tent."

GB drill competition...

a state drill competition where 1st KL won first place and also best commander.
there was a new drill syallabus comprising the standard formation drill (in a box) and also fancy drill (with whatever patterns, cheer, etc.. ). that also caused 2 (out of 5 registered) to pull out because it was tough to accomplish the new syllabus. 

some asked how did the squad do so well?
saturday - 3 - 5.30pm
sunday - 2 - 4.30pm
rain or shine, do that for 3 months with a few breaks... hard work. congratulations!

nervousness, anxiety and stress starts to come as the competition nears. we ask ourselves why do we stand under the hot sun, do drill sequences to commands over and over again and have so much commitment to something that won't help us in the future?

well, that's the perspective. if the question is only referring to the physical aspect and action-for-action comparison, obviously we're wasting our time (and quite stupid). if drill is taught emphasizing on teamwork, leadership, commitment, focus, discipline, perseverance, finding meaning and purpose in the journey and not results, learning as a team, success as a team, failure as a team, then it is worth it. when one makes a mistake, it is not that only that persons fault but it is the whole team. the others are also responsible (or at fault) because it is their part to help each other improve and encourage each other, not play the blame game. even though i listed a lot, there are many more.

the drill commander of another company cried the moment after the squad fall out. and her officers were there already. a cry of disappointment and knowing that the performance of the squad wasn't good enough.
it's unfortunate that it is a competition. but credits to her for still going out there doing her best and performing  her best even if she thought it was hopeless and saw mistakes. credits for still fighting on. credits to her officers who were there straight away to comfort her. nothing to be ashamed of as long as you did your best.

the next state drill is in the next 2 years... till then...

crash and burn, or is it?

travelling at high speed...  you see the pole. you know the crash is coming. it is on the way. it is going to happen.

going. the word is going.
but it has not yet happened.
things are going in slow motion. and you can turn in the last mili-second moment.

situations and issues in life may seem like that. with things spiralling down fast and one by one things start to break apart and with pressure mounting, it seems too late.

the only possible outcome is crash and burn, or is it?

we have a choice.

serving who?

clashing of opinions can come. misunderstandings can happen. miscommunication. wrong words can be said. different types of approaches. different opinions of certain methods. it can get sad. can get offended. at lack of respect. at some assumptions already done.

 would you get angry? yeah... but more of a sad type of angry. these things happen. but it doesn't matter. cause i serve God. not man. if you're very sure of that and God has pointed, take the time to work it out with others and communicate better. nothing to be scared of. clarify.

it's a test.

sermonette

the first time doing a sermonette for the children during the monthly Family Sunday. needed it to be visual. praise God for His inspiration...

A Tupperware. (Pour in drinking water)

“can we drink the water?” (yes)
Yes, we can drink the water (maybe i drink).

Then one day, i told a lie to my parents, (i dip a brush of black paint once) it makes the water a little bit not clean.
Another day, i didn’t share with my friends. ( i dip again)
i got angry and hurt my friends. ( i dip again)
i stole something i didnt' have. ( i dip again) Etc...
The more and more i make wrong and selfish decisions, (i dip more) the water becomes dirtier and dirtier.
Can we drink the water? (no)

Can i have 2 volunteers? (wrapping paper and ribbon) I need your help to wrap the Tupperware and tie a ribbon. Make it look nice. (wrapping)
Now, doesn’t it look wonderful? (wrapped)
Will you drink the water now?
(no)
What if i decorate it with money? (money)
Will you drink the water now?
(no)
What if i build a nice house around it?
Will you drink the water now?
(no)
So no matter what i do to make it look nice, we know that inside is still dirty.

Even if i covered it with money, we know the inside is still dirty. This Tupperware of water is like our heart inside. Inside can be clean or dirty. We can do a lot of things to put around or cover it, but God looks at the heart.

God was looking for the king and God ask the prophet Samuel to go and visit Jesse’s family. The prophet Samuel went to the first son. God said no. And the second? God still said no. Until all 7 brothers. Each time the prophet Samuel thought it would be this son that qualified, God told Samuel, No. Until david, the youngest.

God told Samuel, “do not judge by the appearance or height. People judge by outward appearance, but God looks at the heart”.

World Religions: a different perspective...

had classes in STM again. the 3rd module for the year: World Religions. i thought it was just going to be a factual lecture which will be deeper than what we learn in school or doing surface research. the lecturer has a heart for missiological studies (and i would say a gifting). besides facts, he also taught the heart and spiritual principles behind each religion. [disclaimer: below is typed from thoughts in class. i haven't done my assignment yet, so some things may be typed or worded wrongly.]

on neutral observation, how has the western mindset westernized Christianity? observe the style of evangelism where it is a vocal and open intellectual debate, of black and white, of modernity and consumer influenced. compared to the hospitality of eastern culture and acceptance of each other's thoughts and beliefs. to hit it right at the spot, Buddhists are more acceptant of others than the western influenced Christianity.

in a western mindset, exercising (physical) is separate from acts of spirituality. for the eastern teaching, exercise and spirituality is together; tai-chi, qi gong. chinese medicine is linked to the bodies spirituality. there is no division. spirituality and lifestyle is inter-twined deeply. which causes difficulties in pointing out what is a yes and a no. taking out ancestral worship is taking out filial piety. it is not just about combating the spiritual worship. the lecturer was saying, it is never easy and one of his main advice, is always spiritual discernment.

when we enter a temple, we enter a place of serenity, a place of peace, a place of calmness to meditate and reflect upon one's spirituality. it is taken seriouly in piousness and dedication in meditation and prayer. compared to a westernized environment, we enter a place that must have a Wow! factor or we won't be satisfied. how often and how long do we spend time in prayer and meditation?

for the Hindu caste system, it is a principal where everyone has their place in life as they go through the circle of reincarnation. in the belief of reincarnation, they would reincarnate into a few types of forms depending on their previous life's behaviour. it is on the principal of the world being in balance, the structure of life and acceptance of their place in life.

this is only a small part of what we were learning. facts and information, yes, but more importantly learning the heart and principles behind it all. i have to admit it is quite terrible how western culture has influenced us of treating things as black and white, what more the influences of the scientific thinking which makes us look at a lot of stuff as ridiculous if it doesn't fit into it. there are a lot of things we can learn from.

it was also great to able to visit ronald and family. spend time with their kids and also just have fun in a homey environment. pasar malam, ice age 4, jusco 2, home made pork burgers.

there is always hope...

lately, a few friends brought up the line, 'there is always hope...' because it's on my gtalk status. i can't remember how or what made me put it there. but i've kept it there ever since for dunno how long... possible to be 2 years +.

i don't think its coincidence that each of my friends, one by one, brought it up. in conversation it was like, 'remember... there is always hope'... or a sudden 'Amen! there is always hope!'. it is weird that they are telling me my own line that i put up and didn't change. they're advising me with my own line 0.0

i take it as a reminder of the line that i kept there. perhaps i got too used to it that its just 'another object by the corner', that it lost its message and impact of hope. knowing the fact that there is always hope, and believing it in our hearts and mind are two very different things.

of drill and encouragement...

marching for hours under the hot sun week after week. having to be alert to the same commands over and over again. needing to be focused and not being able to move. torturous. Drill. and we're not even counting in the push-ups for punishments (fortunately GB does not have that).

after many weeks, we'll get tired physically, mentally and emotionally. things will start to break down. it gets even worse if there doesn't seem to be much progress or there is so much more to do. it is very common. what do you do in such circumstances? how do you rest together as a group when time is already lacking? would making time to rest or calling a time off in practices lead to slacking?

different groups, different dynamics. assessing the situation, a little break would do some good :) a little surprise was in store for the squad. was glad it lifted their spirits. heard that they had lots of fun sitting around and laughing together with the surprise Chatime. even came up with a 1st KL cheer.

drill is more than marching under the hot sun. working together as a team, training focus in spite of obstacles, preparation.

kaki's corner...

the invitation was sent out early but i did not reply. was wondering how i would hold out by the weekend. had sleepless nights again. knowing that it was a full week, i had to take precautions. was also looking for a time to quieten down and withdraw.

but well, encouraged by none other than James Ho to go. a big thank you to him for giving the little push to decide to go. i was glad that i went though it was a really long day. it's been a while since i have last gone out. the little group of young adults having fun eating dinner for the occasion of celebrating a friend's belated birthday.

a notable significant lame joke: if bitten by mosquito, will become nyamuk-man (mosquito-man). if you interview him what his power is, his reply is,'I suck'.

tuition, MBS chapel training, small group...

helping a youth in her finance studies certainly brings back memories of my uni days studying finance. interestingly and thankfully though, i can still remember the concepts but a bit rusty on the details. while going through with her, it seems i understood, but when i start reading out the terms, i get confused. haha... and i also remember during uni that i actually wrote down the meaning of all the terms especially when 2 or 3 terms actually are referring to the same thing. will work on it..

didn't expect so many to turn up (how little faith of me). some were late but its ok. we encourage punctuality for the next training so that everyone benefits together and no one needs to leave halfway. we pair up the experienced with the new so that the seniors can share their experience and the new also participate and learn. it was vibrant though some were a bit uncertain. but all good. it's a good start. i also need to get use to being in the cycle with groups of students transitioning.

went for a swim at small group leader's apartment pool. it was nice. just swim and relax. at the same time also realize how unfit and tired i am. unfortunate that she had a migraine so i helped lead. its one of those times in small group that i didn't mind leading because its like we take turns helping each other. it is OUR small group. thought of a weird icebreaker. its like pass the parcel but everyone can see the timer ticking down. whoever has it when the timer rings will be whacked with a soft toy hammer by the people on the left and right.

it was a big rush on friday. but driving home, i made a point of looking at what was significant and thanking God.

doing drill with the Girls' Brigade...

it was a long day with the KL and Selangor district MYF combine meet with KL Wesley hosting. for once i didn't have to do anything except smile and welcome people. nice to meet new people and also some youths who i haven't seen since youthquake dec 2010. it was great to see them again.

a time of lunch, ice breakers, worship, and the MYF TRAC president gave a sharing about each of the youth groups in each church connected together. it is not about which church is the biggest but helping each other in their youth groups. we are a body supporting each other. nice to have a few oldies around as well. encouraging to see the adults take ownership of their youths and care for them. gave Kepong Wesley youths a tour of the youth workers office. of course a big wow to them but i also encourage them to prepare that for their church as well :)

and to add to a list of things that i had never thought i'd be doing and did, is doing drill with the Girls' Brigade. doing as in, being part of the squad and doing their steps together. i have helped before here and there for their preparation for their drill competition but not as part of their squad... haha... they were practising their fancy drill and it was difficult because 3 of their members were absent. 2 officers already stand in for 2 and they needed one more. so, ok. just learn it quickly and listen to the commands.

of course the girls were amused and laughing that i was willing and could do it with them. thanks to BB training. i have to admit that it was fun. then jon came in because he was looking for someone and saw me. a big shock and a big smile for something he also wouldn't have thought he'd seen.

memories... haha...

TRAC college-uni group...

TRAC college-uni group is held once a month at TRAC headquarters, jalan gasing. Praise God for the effort by Choy Quin, Joanne, Ruth and Doreen. most are MCKL students with a few others from IMU or BAC and others.

had the honour of sharing to the youths about life after college and also ministry, together with Ruth. we started sharing about our backgrounds, then to what we did in college and uni to the working world. along the way they are allowed to ask other questions.

it was nice to hear Ruth sharing about her life and also some dangers to look out for the girls. a personal testimony is always the best type of sharing because it is personal and also true. a good friend that i met in our youth days then parted for a while through college and uni and then meet back again through TRAC.

a good example of people serving God...

we may have endless lists of not-so-nice people that we have had to work with in church. but its not 100% all bad. there are great servants of God who are very encouraging to work with together. i am grateful for those that i get to work with.

you know you can trust them, that they have no exterior motives or vested interest. they look towards God and care for the community around.

they care to make sure that it is not just talking. they work together and do it together with you. thinking about the impact on others when making decisions, ensuring that no one is too burdened.

it's not about being the most active or having many ministries either. you know that when he can't serve, you know its because of family or things equally (or more) important that the person has to tend to. No doubts. you know he definitely wants to serve but unfortunately can't.

and if the person has to cease, we can let him go to take care of his family. and it does not mean he stops from ministry (notice the word 'cease'). he may not be able to be in the frontline but i always know that i can seek advice and help from him whenever i need to. we can talk things out, discuss and plan.

he serves humbly even though it may be a mistake on my part. fortunately it was only a small mistake about manning a station during station games.

1 Peter 4:10-11 10 Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

a cycle in MBS chapel...

it was agm for MBS chapel just recently on friday. got a little surprise that so many came. it is encouraging. we see a blend of the seniors and the new ones. the interviews were held earlier and the teacher advisor and president had already prayed and discussed over the posts. the posts were shown and there was a time of sharing from the seniors on what they have learned.

it is a cycle. students will come and go. this time round, the amount of people leaving would be significant. praise God that we are able to see how the group have grown together. they have grown and served God faithfully. they have made mistakes but also learned and improved on their mistakes.

different presidents brought about certain improvements. from their own characters and also strengths. the previous president brought her dynamic and proactive-ness into chapel and thought of a good system that encourages balanced teams and good worship sessions for both junior and senior sides. the current president (now ex) brought his wisdom and caring approach to ensure that no one is over burdened or over committed in both CF and chapel committees.

we're not looking for perfect people to serve God now. we're looking for growth, to see what you are now and what you are when you leave MBS. we're not concerned on how you start. we're concerned on how you finish.

the current state of the chapel ministry is good because of the current committee and God's guidance. the seniors have worked hard in getting things going well now. there is a need now for the seniors to be teaching the new ones and mentoring them properly. for the future. the chapel ministry will continue to be in a good (or even better) state because the seniors have planted and prepared and worked for it. they contributed to the future. it is building blocks. not starting from scratch whenever there is someone new.

the ministry of chapel is "planting seeds"; within the committee and externally to all the students who attends chapel service. two words for them to always remember. jon added 2 more; "trust God."

second mother...

celebrated my maid's birthday on friday night. went to a korean bbq place. my sister also made it a point. if some were wondering, she is no ordinary maid. she has been with us for 22 years and is like a second mother to us. she would have watched us grow up from kids to primary school to secondary school to college to uni to working.

trust is built through time. glad she also comes to church with us and serves in church. always nice to hear stories of her village and of her family and stories about her growing up.

so we may ask, does a maid have less position in status or God's work? i just have to say that in as much as i am not home much now due to ministry (and i do feel bad about it), it is because of her that i am able to be more effective in ministry as well. it is because of her support, care and trust that i have less things to worry about.

appreciate my second mother.

recce...

have the privilege of guiding the youths from PJ trinity to go for their missions camp. they too have the vision of turning their youth camps into mission camps. i believe it is a first step to many more.

after much discussion, the only suitable date was sunday and the time to leave is at 10.30a.m. well, it is 3 hours one way (don't forget lunch time and discussion time) and with the calculations, it would be night time by the time we return. by the time we really started our journey it was 11.20 a.m.

the journey to the mission area didn't feel that long compared to previous trips maybe because i was able to talk to their youth counsellor for the whole trip. getting to know him and vice versa. did a little pre-briefing as well. the 4 youths at the back were chatting at first but of course as time passes, sleeping time comes. by the time we reached it was 3pm. and one of the bridges was just taken down except for one trunk because of some rebuilding. they were so nice they had someone to wait for us by the bridge to welcome us because they know that we'd be stuck for a while. parked the van and took a 5 minute walk to the ketua's house.

after a few welcome words and introduction, we got to discussion. i asked a few questions here and there for updates and encouraged the others to ask their questions and concerns. it was their first time and i let them ask because i would be asking q's as an experienced person and forget what its like for first-timer. the q's were informative and useful. i also learn at the type of q's that they ask and also their new ideas. after discussion, we went to see the church and their new block. the kitchen, eating area and toilet. they took photos. went to see the river.

we did reach back late about 9pm because there was a bit of a jam. but i am glad that the youths put the effort for the recce trip. it is so important. even though my most recent trip was in march, there were significant changes. if we didn't go in and i based my preparations on the previous trip, it would not be preparing to the most efficient.

planning meetings coming soon. working with a new group of people.

losing?

many would ask the purpose of having a foosball table in office. obviously we're not playing nonstop. only after office hours. it is a tool for ministry. it's a magnet for youths. and i don't have to walk around and look for them. they come up themselves.

many were wondering what this new table is and immediately are addicted to it. but with that table, many lessons can be taught.

one part of the lessons is in losing. it's a game where fluke shots can happen. the sport can be competitive but this is where lessons in being a good loser comes. i teach them to:

1) learn from mistakes and try again.

2) losing is part of life. nothing is wrong with it.

3) nothing embaressing in losing.

4) don't react angrily in losing. react with sportsmanship.

they have gotten good and now i also start to lose when playing against two of them. and i also have to be watching myself in how i react. its great that they have learned from their mistakes and improved. now i also got to up my game... haha...

just decided to check out what happened to the blog and found there's loads of improvements in the system and user-friendliness. may be there for some time already.

perhaps it is being rested that gives me time and also the mental capacity to be reflecting and being calm and at peace as a whole. i would take it as signs and signals that there may be some things going wrong with my schedule or how i'm handling things. burn out or its symptoms are ringing bells.

in all, i still thank God.

of a pastors performance...

had wedding rehearsal in the afternoon. interesting to play Air on G String on the organ. had to adjust the settings for more woodwinds than brass.

for small group, the discussion was about 'Pastor's Performance or God's Word?' it was great to have honest sharing and opinions from each other. the younger ones showed maturity in listening to the sermons and the older ones shared how the content of the Word is important and having some charisma along would aid the delivery. it is not possible to cater to the whole age range of a whole church.

having some insights on my own, i shared some points for them to ponder.
- a guide would be to decide on the type of style based on whether the service is to be seeker friendly, or a deep study to feed the church.
- some would argue Word first, some would say delivery or passion. looking at 2 extremes; Loud but shallow, Boring but intellectual. neither side is good.
- a pastor would have different strengths. a pastor may have the gift of speaking or the gift of shepherding or the gift of administration or the gift of caring. if the main criteria for a pastor is speaking well, it is wrong.
- even if the pastor's strength is not speaking, he would need to put the effort to improve and hone his delivery skills only because of his responsibility as a teacher of the Word.
- are we looking for great public speakers or are we looking for a shepherd who cares for his sheep?

learning about "walking through the valley of the shadow of death"

3 hours sleep last night. not good. though i woke up early and left the house early enough, it seems that everyone decided to leave for work earlier. was stuck in jam for 1.5 hours and missed the chapel period. this is very bad. fortunately, the youths were able to manage without the keys for the sound system.

not a good way to start the day. but my mind was kept calm throughout the journey. knowing that i am lacking of sleep, nerves can get edgy and not in control.

attended pastor andrew's mothers funeral at PJ trinity. prayed for comfort and peace in their time of bereavement. the message was quite eye opening, dwelling upon Psalm 23 and upon the verse 'walk through the valley of the shadow of death'. King David's choice of words has its hidden meaning in his time.

'Walk through' - the walk is a walk 'through' and not walk in. this means it is temporary and for a short while. noting that it is not a solo walk as well because after that part is 'Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me', indicating that God, the shepherd, is beside you and guiding you all the way.

'valley' - valley is not to be meaning a down and sad place as we refer to it today. in King David's time, the valley is a place of tranquillity. bringing the meaning that you are walking in tranquility.

'of the shadow of death' - compare saying 'valley of the shadow of death' and to saying 'valley of death'. you'll realise that valley of death is directly morbid.

here's where it gets interesting. what causes a shadow? Light. when you are walking in a shadow, you are walking behind an object. the light is at the end. and if you walk past the object, there is no more shadow but the light that you are walking towards.

and as you are walking through the valley, you will walk past the the shadow of death and walk past death, you fear no evil. because "God's staff and rod comforts you." and you walk towards God. "surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

God speaks in the offday

monday is a public holiday but also my off day.

there was the KL District MYF AGM at 9. i had another sleepless night and pulling my body out of bed wasn't easy. but as i was brushing my teeth, i ask God, why. what is it that You want to show me? what is it that on my supposed sabbath that i had to do?

and as i reflect, sitting through the AGM, are we going to a youth group or a church for numbers, charisma and energy? or are we going for authentic relationships, learning and growing in God?

a memorable lunch in which hearing the wrong things, brings about um... really wrong sentences. haha... laughing together with 2 friends that i haven't seen for some while definitely brings back some memories. getting to know the others better is also good. we are all doing our best for God in the MYF ministry and lets go through it together, through the ups and downs.

the BB was having a band practise and it was good to see them put the effort into practising their pieces. saw them in the same lunch place later as MYF was leaving and had to teach them a few etiquettes. in terms of match-making teasing, it is alright to tease the guy (i kacau you, you kacau me = no prob), but be careful when teasing a girl (especially if they are older).

a short rest after lunch and get a call from the GB that Girls Night Out has ended and it is time to pick them up from the officers house which is nearby. catch up with the girls and they definitely gained and bonded from GNO.
this is where it gets interesting. God is not done yet. while waiting in the canteen with them for their parents to come, i got a briefing from parents who are already there. it is not good news about a youth's health. i have to withhold some details for privacy sake. but the main line is, how do you prepare someone for a possible end?

a short chat with my parents saw me saying out, 'this is a lot to happen in less than 2 years of youth ministry.' went for the assistant pastor's mothers wake funeral at PJ trinity. i came just in time for the last 10 seats. seated 2nd row right behind the family. some youths outside were saying that the people were scared and didn't want to sit with the pastors at the first row. haha...

badminton later at 9-11 was fun. my attempt to tire out. hopefully, i can sleep. thankfully, tuesday is a holiday. so what about this monday off day? it is a lot.

sleepless nights...

a lot of things happened in nov and dec... and of course, jan.

been having sleepless nights for about 2 weeks. to my last recollection, only about 2 nights that i had straight 8 hours sleep. kind of frustrating that i can't figure out the cause. wasn't emo-ing, wasn't stressed from work, no one is stressing me from work, not thinking about work, not thinking about anything. body is tired, not moving and lying on the bed. but the mind is active.

i manage to keep the mind blank and neutral. but then thoughts start coming in. am familiar with the area of thinking on too much things. am able to press pause and stop the thoughts, but the mind still active. i even tried exercising in the evening to tire my body and use up the energy but it was even worse. i still couldn't sleep in the night and the body was tired AND aching. haha...

but amidst it all, i praise God that i am still healthy. had the muscles aching a bit here and there. can feel the fatigue and headache but didn't fall sick.

digging deeper, a thought. i did try a lot of things to try to sleep. but i did not pray. why? that's a question for me to answer. we have ask ourselves the honest brutal questions. is there something deeper that is bothering me? is there any unsettled issues? is there an underlying grudge that i am holding against God?

a little dedication to shelley who encouraged me to continue writing... as time progresses and we each move on in life from uni, God does speak through these little things from friends. they do count.