Sunday, January 04, 2009

matters of the heart...

i remember how it was breaking up when i just went overseas. was single throughout uni then. there were the 'likes' here and there but God said 'no' and 'wait'. and it was a growing process where i was chiselled into shape. i don't really know how to say this, but bluntly, there was no longing or space for that 'someone' during my journey. i don't think i would have grown or learnt much if i was attached.

though at the end of it all, i did long and hope for someone that was from OCF because OCF has been a significant and defining part of my life and i would love to share the passion and joy with her for the rest of the years. well, it was not to be. only handy knew how much it meant to me and it need not be mentioned then. just a silent acknowledgement between 2 brothers as i silently went 'home'.

as i returned, leaning on God's wisdom and trust was all i could do. things such as jobs, ministries and adapting were more pressing things to address. and God held me with His hands.

however, lately, i have to admit, there is a longing for someone starting to rise again. why? i have no idea. perhaps years of why's and helping others and seeing their problems lead to denial, suppression and skeptism. and now that it rise again, its opening something (or things) painful. what is God trying to tell me or asking me to do?
i am facing it. i'm looking at it in the face. there are areas that are not properly dealt with. i know what it is. but there may be things i don't know as well.

there is a term used: emotional echoes. can't remember the author. it talks about how events or situations(sights, smell, etc...) that happened in the past are triggered into memory because you encountered the same events(sights, smell...) again. the senses most commonly triggered is smell. besides the senses, it also applies to events. and how it affects us vary from nothing to not wanting to be at a wedding ever again. these 'echoes', though small, apparently plays a big part in our lives.

there is someone that appeared. and perhaps a trigger of fear of rejection, hurt and other things. there are grey areas and i'm having to deal with it. got to be careful too, cause a guys mind will always speed things up; over-optimism, yet careful also not to lean to the other side of pessimism. but, not yet. i don't think so. i don't know her well enough.

so, currently, a work in progress. i was praying, let it work out in God's time.

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