Friday, December 12, 2008

no idea...

i have no idea how to describe this. its like a series of emotions. i'm not feeling too well internally. it could be because its the busy period now and i'm just stretched a bit... my emotions are also going up and down, and thoughts are running very randomly from area to area, from small things to big things. my brain could be at low speed and spinning top speed all of a sudden. happy, sad, happy, sad...

i'm trying to think through but its also taking a risk of opening more cans of worms. or i could just keep telling myself to think happy thoughts whenever a fluctuation occurs. but that's unhealthy and it'll only solve for that snapshot moment and not a long term solution.

its not that bad, but i wouldn't want it to be lingering around either. i have no idea what to do, but perhaps taking 'starting steps' would be good. its a pretty interesting package of 'attacks' or 'troubles'. it doesn't come all in one area. if it all comes in one area, e.g. mind, just press stop button. easy. but it comes a bit of here, and a bit of there, and a bit of elsewhere; combine it and it'll be a significant threat.

1) losing focus, especially on what is important. things that are not important are starting to be given more significance.
2) too many things to do. (busy-ness is a bad thing as well and could be a sign of escapism from the real things)
3) issues but not sure how to deal with it. (certain things hard to talk about with friends)
5) building frustrations (trying hard but don't seem to be enough for some people)
6) loss of confidence (affected from above)
7) different types of memories and emotions clashing till i dunno what i should be feeling. (frustrations and excitement clashing)

i wrote this post over 2 days. panic attack came on the 2nd night. 3 hours sleep. bleh. however, awareness helped to keep it at bay. keep asking/attacking the issues by asking why at least 5 times. then it'll reach to the ultimate core of the problem.

1) have an hour of quietness before sleeping. (be it a time of reviewing, or prayer, or just quieting down.)
2) prayer (be it a conversation or why's with God or letting go and placing everything at His feet)
3) reaching out to others (i don't feel its enough. so, do more; email, smses, calls)
hmmm... it seems that 3) will/could be clashing with 1). time is limited.
4) football? (maybe a little time of running and flying would do good)

oh well, all in all, perhaps my faith got a little kick and test. and i can see where i stand. lets see what happens in Singapore...

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