Sunday, November 16, 2008

'golden' week...

i call the week a golden week when i strike gold, meaning each weeknight is filled and the weekend is filled till sunday night. and not including the household admin stuff that i had to do or the people that i'm ministering to. for those working, i'm sure you know this is no golden vacation week at all.

such a week came after SG retreat and the next weekend was the wedding. and i assure you, it was very pressing; having things to do each night, rarely home, no time or piano to practise on, less than 6 hrs sleep each night, preparation to be done, rushing my work with accuracy cause i need to leave on time. (and knowing that there's an Awards day to prepare for the weekend after the wedding).

i have to admit that, for one of the first few times in a long long while, touching the piano became a burden. i was worried that i had no time at all to practise and could spoil the most important or Special Day of the couple's lives. but it went well.
i was aware of the fact that i may not be ministering to anyone in the busy week. so i kept a reminder to myself and made sure that amidst of the 'things' i'm doing, i'm ministering to the people there around me and it was fruitful.
rest and water was vital and keeping that discipline certainly paid off cause i was still alright after the whole week. it can be concluded that at the end, it went well.

however, it was not before a crucial night that had me pretty much, in short, gone case.

i had a panic attack on the tues night before SG retreat. i had to take half day leave cause i was too weak. and even so, i was still shaking a bit when i went to work after lunch. i just shrug it off. just tell myself to stop worrying and press the 'pause' button and just go to sleep. the next few nights were alright and SG retreat came up.

i thought i was alright, but then came the sunday night. knowing what looms ahead, i knew i could be, or already am in trouble. and this is a really no-joke-i'm-in-trouble staring in my face. 'Where are You, Lord?', i asked. but arrows keep coming and it was a brain going on full processor speed. not good.

i kept quiet. just stare into blank darkness. puzzled. shocked. confused. (and also wanting to sleep). slowly words start to fall into place. in review, i realised that i had been doing a solo hero journey. i was carrying the burden myself. i was not moving in faith, but moving for a planned schedule.

i started laying down 'things' at His feet. it started on a broad level. and it went deeper. and more and more things. ministry, bible study, youths, piano, guitar, OCF, family, job, health, songs, girl, bible verses, PC, music, friends, schedule, camps, games, joy, hurts, scars, efforts, serving, mind, thoughts, growing .... when i finished and with a lighter heart and mind, i looked at the clock and what the? i've been laying things down for an hour. and its 2.30 a.m. oh great...

well, i was only at peace after committing and laying this whole 'series' at God's feet. knowing over and over again, that i will just have to do my part and God will do the rest.

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