gearing up?

alright... exam is on 8th of june which doesn't leave me with much time. but my leave starts on friday(birthday leave + 10 days leave) and it'll be dedication to the books for 2 weeks. hopefully it is enough.

i had 2 trial exams.
(scores in classes and final exam are independent from each other).
the trial exams are terrible. totally demotivating and freaking me out. which i guess, tells me where on the mountain i am.

i have to say that i really got to put the stop on emotions and just do it. what makes it worse is that a lot of stupid thoughts are just coming when i'm gearing up the brain and trying to focus. perhaps when the brain is cranked up a gear, that unsettled issues comes up.

they were the issues that i had successfully set aside while i was studying in uni. perhaps then, God gave an answer. wait. graduate first. finish the journey strong. you can do it and explore after that. and now that i've graduated and am working... but never had the chance to do it or explore. and these issues rise up again. and what now? retire first?

it seems like it was all a lie. always stuck in the middle. its a stupid grey area. i have to admit that as time passes, i get more and more disillusioned. people ask why are some things lessening? because it hurts, everytime i do it. knowing that everytime i do it, it amounts to nothing. it goes nowhere. there is no progress. there is no purpose in doing it. what's the use of improving yourself in an area that you will not be using at all? and that's if there is time to improve. and even if there is time, other things comes in higher importance. people say, the bit by bit rule. yeah... snail pace progress which is too slow to ever amount to anything significant. what are gifts and dreams for then?

it is sickening that so much sacrifice on serving in church and music, so much time killed off, so much Leave taken, adelaide convention and people forsaken. i feel useless. not doing anything that's lasting or meaningful. i spiritly and physically feel sick and nauseous. really. i just hope its worth it.

for what? a piece of paper. for career progression. for more money. for a secured future. for making sure i don't take money for granted. for being a 'go-getter' in action and having a 'drive' in life which is what is wanted in all men. that this guy has value-added. so that this guy will have a so-called plan in life. that this guy is not a loser because he has no hopeful career. will be successful. will have a good financial future. able to provide for a lavish wedding, travelling around the world, never-need-to-worry-about-money-again lifestyle. be the elite in the community. that the status in life will always be improving from generation to generation.
No one on their deathbed says, 'i wished i had earned more money' or 'how are things at the company?'. your job and money does not cry at your funeral for you.
faith? it hurts. how to stop a bleeding heart? disillusioned, disappointed. i know God is faithful. but, harder still when things that are suppose to be some support, aren't.

there it goes again. haih. press 'stop'. leave it as it is. exams first. with stress levels increasing, just really got to try harder. at least there are some things that brightens up the week or the month.