day 6...

day 4, i can't remember what i did on day 4, but i hope it was something productive. day 5, i think wasted. and day 6, today, gone case again. plus i'm having a headache. emotions are running haywire... haih...

time is running short. maybe i'm out of steam.
the graph steadily went up and now is down. starting monday, i'll have to be practising questions to get the hang of it cause speed and accuracy is the game for this level 1 paper.

frustrations are building up.
circumstances that i cannot avoid come. some say can avoid. logically, i have to do it because in the long run, it won't be worth it. but then again, logically also, in the long run, its also not worth it eating time out of studying.

i'm not saying that its always the external that is affecting us. i mean, sometimes it is a genuine claim. and this issue, which i wrestled with last time, brings about some sort of wisdom that i learnt which keeps me going. 'these external things have happened and got you into this position. so, the main question is, what are you doing to do about it?' the fault of me being in this (usually terrible) position is not of my own and i'd be justified, but the fault will be my own when i don't do anything about it and just blame.

which brings me back to asking again, what is happening now? what is God wanting to teach me in this period that i'm going through?
putting away these frustrations (which would most likely seem petty when i'm having those 'hindsight' perpective flashbacks), perhaps trusting in Him.
i'd also think that it is a questioning of why am i taking this professional cert. changing my current perception of professional certs. perception cultivated from years of training as a student. perhaps fear of another academic event has rendered me incapable of serving, planning, and just trying not to fail.
i thought i know what i was doing when i took up this professional cert. now, it seems i didn't know what i was doing. cause if i had known what i was doing, i'd have done lots of things differently. so, ok, learn another thing.
keep steady and keep on learning.

i have to say that in this period, there are things i've learnt.
1) i don't have time.
2) how i'm wasting my time.
3) finding what really matters and what doesn't.
4) what's my passion.
5) the cruelty of reality that robs greatness/dreams for the sake of security.
6) the emphasis on personal placement and status that is loudly proclaimed and though we may deny it, yet it is so subconsciously practised in our everyday lives without knowing it.
7) personal 'networth' + integrity/morality is the measurement of success. integrity and morality by itself is not.

it may seem depressing. some may deduce where i am going. perhaps it is knowing these things that makes us value the things we love even more and the most important, knowing where you stand.
typing this out, helps clear my mind. and if i'm offending anyone, so sorry. but, hey, i'm as normal as anyone going through something.

oh great... another of those 'weird' moments. i really got to find a word for these 'moments'. what the heck?... anyways, just got an sms. its ALWAYS weird how God answers. forever baffling me.

day 3...

woke up feeling lethargic today. started studying later than normal. maybe complacency comes after good progress yesterday.
trying to emulate yesterday's progress. a little bit tougher. but still possible at this point in time.

my back seems to be getting stronger. though now my neck is aching.

am feeling nervous here and there. got to work hard to get the confidence up.

2nd day...

maybe the days seem long cause i'm calculating my days and using my time carefully. today is much better. less restless and fully absorbing. can control the mind much more now.

but my back hurts.
my brain stopped a bit. so now, i'm just taking a short break. am able to have more reflections...

it seems good progress, till i took a look at my results for trials and realize its still a mountain to climb.

regret? there's always the regret of not having worked harder earlier. but its tough to maintain consistency with the inconsistent work schedule and plans, what more classes. and its does not help that the syllabus is so wide. e.g. study 3 topics at week 1. 3 topics at week 2. by week 5, i forget topic 1,2,3. haih...
that's the difficulty of studying while working. and the so called planning that i've done, its like all down the drain. too far left behind. and all the panicking and stress accumulates.

at least now that i'm getting to sit down one shot, i can go through the whole thing. build the whole picture in my head. and understand and retain it one shot. its only 10pm now. continuing on 2 more hours.

highlight of the day? good progress and an email from janice.

8th June

birthday and first day of studying...

well, my 24th birthday passed. cause i was on my birthday leave, i thought of waking up only at 9. but nope, the smses were coming in before 9. thank you to my colleagues. yes, there were also those that sms past 12.
it did cheer me up.

i had to do some apartment admin stuff... and right through till lunch, smses keep coming. after lunch, i just sat down and spent half an hour to reply each sms personally. (personalized smses are a must!).

of course it didn't end there. i'm just happy and was touched to be remembered. after exam i'm going to record down everyone's birthday. i'm not those that record down, but seeing that i've got so many, i better start remembering. not that i'm selfish, it's just, ... something i haven't acquired.

sunday's trial exam, well, it was easier a bit. i improved a bit also. but still a long way from passing. and also seeing many areas i need to improve.

today, monday, first time sitting down to study for a whole day. got a bit restless at first. but now, getting it going. getting use to it. just that now, my neck is aching terribly. got to move once an hour.

i have to say that lots of things are going through my mind. stop buttons come in handy. but having some time to reflect, i see that there is a lot i got to learn. and i'm wondering what is God trying to teach me. i'm confused. where is He growing me? i'm frustrated. where is He leading me? is He really leading me? ah well... till the next time...

8th June.

weird...

i just finished yesterday's bad-mood post and then checked my email and danny had just emailed about a song from SCC. about God's ways being higher than our own. its just weird.
i had a 'what the?' for a while, but just let the bad mood subside by itself. i was wondering whether the stress and anticipation of MU vs Chelsea was subconsciously draining my mind too...

today was a whole new day. with checking the results first thing in the morning online. yay! MU won... i feel that if drogba controlled himself and wasn't sent off, Chelsea would have won it.
fortunately, i didn't watch the match and got enough rest. cause it was blood donation at the bank. i had no idea cause notices were only given the day before and i was at training.

the day was very packed. i had to rush my work to finish because i'll be on 2 weeks leave. unfortunately, i couldn't finish my work in time for class. was successful for most of the day till the last assignment. racing against time, my final result did not match, and i got a panic attack and was discouraged. i tried to recover quickly mentally but to no avail. you could see desperation on my face cause i had class and had to finish on time. but after i accepted that it is goodbye class and calmed down, there you go, the answer came.

my colleagues got a bear for me. its a coinbox with the bears body being the base and with an unscrewable head with a slot on top. i was shocked at first. i didn't know what to say or how to react. i was just in shock. puzzled. 'what's that for?'. my colleagues thought i didn't like it.i tried to salvage the situation. i hope i had convinced them otherwise. i was very amused though. my funny colleagues...
i guess that's what makes life memorable...
now the 2 weeks start...

gearing up?

alright... exam is on 8th of june which doesn't leave me with much time. but my leave starts on friday(birthday leave + 10 days leave) and it'll be dedication to the books for 2 weeks. hopefully it is enough.

i had 2 trial exams.
(scores in classes and final exam are independent from each other).
the trial exams are terrible. totally demotivating and freaking me out. which i guess, tells me where on the mountain i am.

i have to say that i really got to put the stop on emotions and just do it. what makes it worse is that a lot of stupid thoughts are just coming when i'm gearing up the brain and trying to focus. perhaps when the brain is cranked up a gear, that unsettled issues comes up.

they were the issues that i had successfully set aside while i was studying in uni. perhaps then, God gave an answer. wait. graduate first. finish the journey strong. you can do it and explore after that. and now that i've graduated and am working... but never had the chance to do it or explore. and these issues rise up again. and what now? retire first?

it seems like it was all a lie. always stuck in the middle. its a stupid grey area. i have to admit that as time passes, i get more and more disillusioned. people ask why are some things lessening? because it hurts, everytime i do it. knowing that everytime i do it, it amounts to nothing. it goes nowhere. there is no progress. there is no purpose in doing it. what's the use of improving yourself in an area that you will not be using at all? and that's if there is time to improve. and even if there is time, other things comes in higher importance. people say, the bit by bit rule. yeah... snail pace progress which is too slow to ever amount to anything significant. what are gifts and dreams for then?

it is sickening that so much sacrifice on serving in church and music, so much time killed off, so much Leave taken, adelaide convention and people forsaken. i feel useless. not doing anything that's lasting or meaningful. i spiritly and physically feel sick and nauseous. really. i just hope its worth it.

for what? a piece of paper. for career progression. for more money. for a secured future. for making sure i don't take money for granted. for being a 'go-getter' in action and having a 'drive' in life which is what is wanted in all men. that this guy has value-added. so that this guy will have a so-called plan in life. that this guy is not a loser because he has no hopeful career. will be successful. will have a good financial future. able to provide for a lavish wedding, travelling around the world, never-need-to-worry-about-money-again lifestyle. be the elite in the community. that the status in life will always be improving from generation to generation.
No one on their deathbed says, 'i wished i had earned more money' or 'how are things at the company?'. your job and money does not cry at your funeral for you.
faith? it hurts. how to stop a bleeding heart? disillusioned, disappointed. i know God is faithful. but, harder still when things that are suppose to be some support, aren't.

there it goes again. haih. press 'stop'. leave it as it is. exams first. with stress levels increasing, just really got to try harder. at least there are some things that brightens up the week or the month.

before i know it...

before i know it, its already thursday, tomorrow will be a fast friday, and now i'll be having mock exams... sigh... totally not ready. but well, got to push it.

got to try to focus hard and all. everyone's in the same boat. cramming and giving the best shot. 8th of June. that's the MAIN date.

what's this week about?

another hot blazing week.

work, hmm.. i don't think it has been terrible. it was torturous to me, but more because i was frustrated at my mistakes. more haste, less speed that kind of thing. due to shortage of time (thurs was a public holiday), i had to take certain risks to not waste time and continue to finish the work for the week, and i skipped on 2 checks (which was time consuming) and it nearly killed me off. i had to re-run my process flow twice(which is very long).

but fortunately, managed to salvage the situation. not needing to run fully due to some variables that i didn't leave out as a back-up safety measure, the gamble paid off (though it could have gone very wrong too).
i've managed to finish monday's work too. haha... so i'm free on monday!
yeah.. i wish... i bought myself an extra day for a project due on weds.

had lunch with ron and kim on wednesday. through our conversations, i have more research to do. things to find out. words to define.
yesterday's small group was about Dissension. what is dissension? what causes dissension? and what is unity? sounds simple enough, that is... till we got to the church and working examples.

due to the small groups usages of multiply, i finally tidy up and make use of it. definitely for the photos, now that i've got a camera. still needing to learn how to post the pictures on the blog, pretty much need a much more convenient way. then i'll get about 1000 - 2000 words a day. much easier.
and i found others posting up photos. like jezzamine's 21st birthday. waliau.. not having time for onlining and catch up, that's a great blessing! getting to see the latest photos of my '2nd-family', though weird in all those costumes.

rest is something we all need. i hope everyone's getting it. or making time for it.