phew... its been 2 weeks and 4 days now.
and it really felt that a long long time has passed.
i thought i needed to renew my social visit visa in singapore cause i thought 2 weeks was up when only one week was up.
today it rained so heavily since 7 in the morning and it hasn't stopped since. there was a 10 step gap between the building and the car shelter. and that gap was enough to drench me even though i sprinted through that little gap.
welcome back to the heavy rains... wondering how it is in KL. there should be reports of flooding if this happens.
starting to lose discipline. forgetting to pray. spirits waver. staying up for no reason. delaying finding things to do. i do wake up at 7 each day to send my father to work and didn't need to sleep. but after a 2-3 days, i knock out after i come back or in the afternoon.
trying to make sure my time is not wasted and remains productive.
i have been applying for jobs. and yay! i got an interview on monday 4th sept. will head back to KL by bus on sunday. and aunty merrilyn is coming to singapore on the 8-9th sept. and i'm in KL. but not to worry, daryl and the old ocfers are driving down to singapore and i'm in their little tour. will be together with the old singaporeans as well.
and i'm not so good with maintaining relationships. need to work on it lots. daryl and that group, didn't know i was back cause i didn't tell them. so they thought i got deported. i must make more effort to maintain such relationships built. it requires a lot of effort and time.
the queues here at the post office is crazy. cards and stuff are not easy to be sent.crazily crazy. now i appreciate the Uni's post office very much. so easy.
ooo... and its independence day... maybe i shouldn't be typing stuff about malaysia's post office management...
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
When I Let It Go...
just one of the great songs that i have. i didn't listen to it at first. as usual, it was just a tune until i am in that position.
When I Let It Go
by Sierra
This time I have to trust You
I've got to accept Your plan
I have tried to guide my circumstance
But there's just no way I can
When will I learn this lesson
Your ways are not like mine
Lord, help me to surrender
The control I try to have on my life
CHORUS:
When I let it go
You take my hand
And gently lead me
Then You let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never ending blessings
Like a river start to flow
When I let it go
Too many times I'm searching
For the things I think I need
But when I try to look for more
I always seem to give You less of me
Lord help me gain the wisdom
My foolish mind still lacks
'Til I find a way to let go
Of the part of me I'm holding back
When I Let It Go
by Sierra
This time I have to trust You
I've got to accept Your plan
I have tried to guide my circumstance
But there's just no way I can
When will I learn this lesson
Your ways are not like mine
Lord, help me to surrender
The control I try to have on my life
CHORUS:
When I let it go
You take my hand
And gently lead me
Then You let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never ending blessings
Like a river start to flow
When I let it go
Too many times I'm searching
For the things I think I need
But when I try to look for more
I always seem to give You less of me
Lord help me gain the wisdom
My foolish mind still lacks
'Til I find a way to let go
Of the part of me I'm holding back
Saturday, August 26, 2006
holding on and letting go...
my thoughts runs back to adelaide many times. and many times also, i remember the advises about holding on and letting go. 'to move on, you got to let go.' quoted from joanne kiu.
in boys brigade, i love obstacle courses and there is a particular obstacle where you got to pull yourself up with the rope. try to picture this.
hanging on to a rope with one hand, is tough enough. it uses a lot of strength. but be thankful that the rope is big.
if it was a string that i was holding on to with one hand, doing that uses a lot of strength and furthermore, because it is a thin string, it would cut through my hand and cause pain as well.
when letting go, i got to let go of all of it.
if i hold on, and its a large amount(a rope), it uses a lot of strength on the heart and mind. it is bad enough.
and if its little(a string), its worse cause it uses a lot of strength and it causes pain as well. here, its worse.
everything. not a single bit left.
but there are some things that are very hard to let go. not that i can't let go, its just hard. though i made sure i let go before i left, i may have held a little bit. at times later, it comes back up, knowing that i didn't let go but had that small thread that cuts. its 'some' things.
its a sickening feeling.
many times i wonder did i do enough, or did i fall short of possible standards?
and when i hear of things in adelaide, i go, 'crap! i could have done something or i could have done that. why am i back here?'
how true what ray advised.
'leave your regrets and burdens in adelaide. have a fresh start. take only the things you've learnt and memories.'
in boys brigade, i love obstacle courses and there is a particular obstacle where you got to pull yourself up with the rope. try to picture this.
hanging on to a rope with one hand, is tough enough. it uses a lot of strength. but be thankful that the rope is big.
if it was a string that i was holding on to with one hand, doing that uses a lot of strength and furthermore, because it is a thin string, it would cut through my hand and cause pain as well.
when letting go, i got to let go of all of it.
if i hold on, and its a large amount(a rope), it uses a lot of strength on the heart and mind. it is bad enough.
and if its little(a string), its worse cause it uses a lot of strength and it causes pain as well. here, its worse.
everything. not a single bit left.
but there are some things that are very hard to let go. not that i can't let go, its just hard. though i made sure i let go before i left, i may have held a little bit. at times later, it comes back up, knowing that i didn't let go but had that small thread that cuts. its 'some' things.
its a sickening feeling.
many times i wonder did i do enough, or did i fall short of possible standards?
and when i hear of things in adelaide, i go, 'crap! i could have done something or i could have done that. why am i back here?'
how true what ray advised.
'leave your regrets and burdens in adelaide. have a fresh start. take only the things you've learnt and memories.'
Friday, August 25, 2006
after some while...
i have to say much has happened in the past 2 weeks, or to be more exact, one week and 5 days.
its true in a way that i got to rest when i came back. but still having the fast paced life.
haven't been able to post cause, yeah, didn't have the mood to sit down and type. most of the time, i'm running around and my updates on email seems to be more detailed. it'll be like a repeat if i post.
thank you for the prayers and uplifting me into God's hands. i haven't been able to sit down and do stuff properly yet. a bit lost in terms of direction. there are the options of malaysia or singapore. drawing datelines and time line. am in singapore now. its nice here, just that the haze is doing some bad stuff.
being the driver and house cleaner of the house.
i am feeling the effects more and more now.
and thank you for those who have been updating me. it brings joy to see people continuing on, giving and growing.
its true in a way that i got to rest when i came back. but still having the fast paced life.
haven't been able to post cause, yeah, didn't have the mood to sit down and type. most of the time, i'm running around and my updates on email seems to be more detailed. it'll be like a repeat if i post.
thank you for the prayers and uplifting me into God's hands. i haven't been able to sit down and do stuff properly yet. a bit lost in terms of direction. there are the options of malaysia or singapore. drawing datelines and time line. am in singapore now. its nice here, just that the haze is doing some bad stuff.
being the driver and house cleaner of the house.
i am feeling the effects more and more now.
and thank you for those who have been updating me. it brings joy to see people continuing on, giving and growing.
Monday, August 14, 2006
past thursday to saturday...
i have to say, there is a lot to type. so many things. i'll be writing them down in the journal first.
thursday till saturday was as packed as it can be. thursday, i spent the morning packing the boxes and kind of rushing. had lunch which was greek food with handy and shelley. the afternoon was spent packing too. and had dinner with a family friend and the family. an aussie dinner to remember. at the night, spent time talking with people and also did the last of the packing much later at night.
friday morning, went to the shipping place, Baggage Masters. got 3 boxes. handy helped me. and later in OCF, played for the last time. and they wrote and presented a song to me. it was meaningful. i'll always remember. it's on wai kong's blog, though just the chorus part. thank you very much. it means a lot to me. one of the memorable farewell gifts.
saturday morning was a meeting with the landlady to do a transfer of the tenancy to arthur. took quite long, but not as long as doing the house inspection and stuff. in the afternoon, went to church for worship practise and choir practise, then went for cell group. that was my church's farewell for me. i really miss them too. its small but got to know each other much better. and the congregation has been growing. and now that i'm going home, all the more, its their time to serve, grow and glorify God.
later was a farewell at yoshimi's house (note: apologies in the highest order for those i may have missed out or didn't invite. i had to be selectful because of space constraints. i'm sorry if i missed out anyone. 6 days was challenging).
the farewell was wonderful. to see the people there, and i really wanted to express my gratitude so much. ALL of you have impacted me and blessed my life as well.
and a gift of a kolaj (no idea how to spell) of photos. thank you so much yoshimi and joannies. it really is a highlight. a precious gift. it means a lot to me also.
and to the guys, 'ha' 'ha'. very funny with the powder and Permanent marker pens. i still got a bit of scribblings left. ian's name is quite hard to scrub off. well, these things comes around. i'm going to find out the culpritS. hahaha...
thanks guys for the memories. seriously.
thursday till saturday was as packed as it can be. thursday, i spent the morning packing the boxes and kind of rushing. had lunch which was greek food with handy and shelley. the afternoon was spent packing too. and had dinner with a family friend and the family. an aussie dinner to remember. at the night, spent time talking with people and also did the last of the packing much later at night.
friday morning, went to the shipping place, Baggage Masters. got 3 boxes. handy helped me. and later in OCF, played for the last time. and they wrote and presented a song to me. it was meaningful. i'll always remember. it's on wai kong's blog, though just the chorus part. thank you very much. it means a lot to me. one of the memorable farewell gifts.
saturday morning was a meeting with the landlady to do a transfer of the tenancy to arthur. took quite long, but not as long as doing the house inspection and stuff. in the afternoon, went to church for worship practise and choir practise, then went for cell group. that was my church's farewell for me. i really miss them too. its small but got to know each other much better. and the congregation has been growing. and now that i'm going home, all the more, its their time to serve, grow and glorify God.
later was a farewell at yoshimi's house (note: apologies in the highest order for those i may have missed out or didn't invite. i had to be selectful because of space constraints. i'm sorry if i missed out anyone. 6 days was challenging).
the farewell was wonderful. to see the people there, and i really wanted to express my gratitude so much. ALL of you have impacted me and blessed my life as well.
and a gift of a kolaj (no idea how to spell) of photos. thank you so much yoshimi and joannies. it really is a highlight. a precious gift. it means a lot to me also.
and to the guys, 'ha' 'ha'. very funny with the powder and Permanent marker pens. i still got a bit of scribblings left. ian's name is quite hard to scrub off. well, these things comes around. i'm going to find out the culpritS. hahaha...
thanks guys for the memories. seriously.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
3 days...
phew! 3 days. been really packed. packed to the max.
but it is time well spent.
have been meeting people whenever i can. making sure i didn't lose time as well. nearly forgot to pay for my flight ticket. terrible.
monday and tuesday, did lots of admin stuff and also meet up with people. i'm really thankful for the people that God put in my life. i know its no mere coincidence or luck or chance that i'm here and that they are here as well.
today evening, had dinner with my oldies, which would be your grand-oldies (they are so going to get me). i'm really glad. the little bits of words of wisdom that i can get from them when i return. things to hold on to, things to let go, things to keep.
it is a fragile time. but i keep repeating, must be obedient to God, must be obedient to God. mentally and emotionally stretched. can't sleep properly. tired. but i try to pray more. to pray meaningfully.
i am quite a skeptic. hard to convince. and God knows that. and so He shows me very clearly, that He wants me home = with only one way left (no need convincing). and not many, so that i can't go, if this, if that, if whatever else.
i do have some questions here and there. and there are things that are hard to let go. things that are close to my heart.
but truly, God, in some ways, has been showing me bits here and there, to things that i am lacking and need to learn. and the best and fastest place to learn is by going back home. God is not done with me yet.
i'm beginning to understand a returnee more and more.
but it is time well spent.
have been meeting people whenever i can. making sure i didn't lose time as well. nearly forgot to pay for my flight ticket. terrible.
monday and tuesday, did lots of admin stuff and also meet up with people. i'm really thankful for the people that God put in my life. i know its no mere coincidence or luck or chance that i'm here and that they are here as well.
today evening, had dinner with my oldies, which would be your grand-oldies (they are so going to get me). i'm really glad. the little bits of words of wisdom that i can get from them when i return. things to hold on to, things to let go, things to keep.
it is a fragile time. but i keep repeating, must be obedient to God, must be obedient to God. mentally and emotionally stretched. can't sleep properly. tired. but i try to pray more. to pray meaningfully.
i am quite a skeptic. hard to convince. and God knows that. and so He shows me very clearly, that He wants me home = with only one way left (no need convincing). and not many, so that i can't go, if this, if that, if whatever else.
i do have some questions here and there. and there are things that are hard to let go. things that are close to my heart.
but truly, God, in some ways, has been showing me bits here and there, to things that i am lacking and need to learn. and the best and fastest place to learn is by going back home. God is not done with me yet.
i'm beginning to understand a returnee more and more.
Monday, August 07, 2006
home...
called back sunday. it is confirmed. i am going home.
my uncle is unable to sponsor me. its not his fault that he don't want. its just circumstances. so don't blame him. i'm dependent on him. he's not the bad guy.
God is closing the door. but for now. its not forever. but i have to say, after some time settling back home, uprooting is going to be painful again.
God's moving me back home? why? God will tell me why in time to come, just like how He did when i first came here. (saying this painfully)
august 13th, this sunday.
i want to apologies first if i miss out meeting anyone. especially my oldies.
and that's also if i can call everyone before i go home and not call from malaysia.
6 days is very little time.
its a turmoil in the heart and mind. getting hard to sleep.
but i must be obedient to God. there is something or things that He wants me to learn.
and to pray and be thankful for the time and people here.
i don't deny that it is very painful. very. draining me a lot. and it is a lot of things to clear up. its 80% pain and 20% others. amidst the pain, trying very hard to commit to God and not be bitter or angry or anything else.
i thank you for the wishes and time spent. i'm sorry if i can't go out with everyone.
my uncle is unable to sponsor me. its not his fault that he don't want. its just circumstances. so don't blame him. i'm dependent on him. he's not the bad guy.
God is closing the door. but for now. its not forever. but i have to say, after some time settling back home, uprooting is going to be painful again.
God's moving me back home? why? God will tell me why in time to come, just like how He did when i first came here. (saying this painfully)
august 13th, this sunday.
i want to apologies first if i miss out meeting anyone. especially my oldies.
and that's also if i can call everyone before i go home and not call from malaysia.
6 days is very little time.
its a turmoil in the heart and mind. getting hard to sleep.
but i must be obedient to God. there is something or things that He wants me to learn.
and to pray and be thankful for the time and people here.
i don't deny that it is very painful. very. draining me a lot. and it is a lot of things to clear up. its 80% pain and 20% others. amidst the pain, trying very hard to commit to God and not be bitter or angry or anything else.
i thank you for the wishes and time spent. i'm sorry if i can't go out with everyone.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
updates...
how many things can happen in a week?
answer = a lot. especially when everything that happens to you counts.
my emotions as a melancholic does not help me though the thinking side did help.
pretty much graduation was on monday. it was great. the day before, i got the gown from uni and was playing with it with my parents and family friend (aunty) and her family. let her wear the gown, and my mother too. so she graduated also.
i'm really touched by the people that came. i know i invited but its not an invitation thing at the same time. these are people that crossed my life and impacted in some ways, big and small. and i know my 'seniors' and same-age buddies are busy in their respective disciplines and i'm sure they would come if they could.
on the day itself, i went to see an agent. and while talking to him, bla bla bla... bla bla bla bla.... then no problem. you can apply.
what? i can? sure? and right now, there is a chance that i can stay. but i am dependent on my uncle to whether he is able to provide the necessary documents. if he can't provide enough or even one, its a go back home then. i'll be calling home sunday night to confirm things.
and so, monday was 'william's day' hahaha...
it rattles emotions again + confusion. but the week of emotional waves and emotionally cutting off and preparing to leave, it was important. now when i decide to stay, it is not for superficial reasons (though it is important). it is clearer now to see what steps that i should, could and would take in undertaking a career, be it australia or malaysia (or singapore).
one thing that never failed is God's faithfulness. was in melbourne on tuesday. learnt about the lifestyle from a few friends and got to meet up with ee leon. what a blessing! my discipler and counsellor to possible paths in the future. and a book i bought for him last time when he graduated, haha... i need it now.
friday morning i came back and prepared some stuff and straght to OCF. the people and worship blew me away again. it is a happy thing to see familiar faces and happier still to worship together with them.
the message also prompts us to think, why do we believe?
and IELTS test today. i wonder whether i can score 9 out of 9. haha. but i don't think so. my mind went dreaming a bit during the listening test and it was tricky. during the speaking, i kind of panicked in the last 3rd of the session and was starting every sentence with 'and'.
answer = a lot. especially when everything that happens to you counts.
my emotions as a melancholic does not help me though the thinking side did help.
pretty much graduation was on monday. it was great. the day before, i got the gown from uni and was playing with it with my parents and family friend (aunty) and her family. let her wear the gown, and my mother too. so she graduated also.
i'm really touched by the people that came. i know i invited but its not an invitation thing at the same time. these are people that crossed my life and impacted in some ways, big and small. and i know my 'seniors' and same-age buddies are busy in their respective disciplines and i'm sure they would come if they could.
on the day itself, i went to see an agent. and while talking to him, bla bla bla... bla bla bla bla.... then no problem. you can apply.
what? i can? sure? and right now, there is a chance that i can stay. but i am dependent on my uncle to whether he is able to provide the necessary documents. if he can't provide enough or even one, its a go back home then. i'll be calling home sunday night to confirm things.
and so, monday was 'william's day' hahaha...
it rattles emotions again + confusion. but the week of emotional waves and emotionally cutting off and preparing to leave, it was important. now when i decide to stay, it is not for superficial reasons (though it is important). it is clearer now to see what steps that i should, could and would take in undertaking a career, be it australia or malaysia (or singapore).
one thing that never failed is God's faithfulness. was in melbourne on tuesday. learnt about the lifestyle from a few friends and got to meet up with ee leon. what a blessing! my discipler and counsellor to possible paths in the future. and a book i bought for him last time when he graduated, haha... i need it now.
friday morning i came back and prepared some stuff and straght to OCF. the people and worship blew me away again. it is a happy thing to see familiar faces and happier still to worship together with them.
the message also prompts us to think, why do we believe?
and IELTS test today. i wonder whether i can score 9 out of 9. haha. but i don't think so. my mind went dreaming a bit during the listening test and it was tricky. during the speaking, i kind of panicked in the last 3rd of the session and was starting every sentence with 'and'.
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