turmoil in the head...

uni has started, and i have no uni. i do feel lost. its a transitionary period. a different one this time.

its a weird thing, that you'll only understand a returnee when you are one. a very weird feeling indeed.

i don't think i'll hide it any longer though it is still uncertain. the past few days have been a turmoil in the head for me. and being sick doesn't really help me emotionally. i have to tell that my PR things aren't looking too good, as in the requirements. i thought i could but when looking at it the second time, i can't.

so my visa runs out on august 15. i am seeing a migration agent now, to see what options i have. he is assessing me now. and i have to decide (if there are options). other things are also on my mind. its going to be really difficult to leave. argghhh!

i'm grateful for the people that God placed around me. got to talk with my seniors, yvonne and elvin, and they supported me and encouraged me. going back is not bad. its the sudden uprooting and things that may not happen. thank you for the seniors that He placed with me.
need faith in God. its a big test. turmoil in the head. its not just me alone walking.

i looked at Jeremiah 29:11. used very often. but i read on. and yeah, call upon God. pray. God will listen. and we WILL find God. God granted me peace and put people around me. thank you for those who have listened and been with me. i'm really grateful. its not easy at all.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
'11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

holidays...

the holidays have been good. while waiting for results, watched world cup with friends in peter's house. watched movies. had friends over for dinner. church. OCF. games in friends house. got to know lots of people better.

and when my results came out, it is truly God that grant me the results. i did do my part and the rest is up to God. and for those who know me since 2nd year, who would have thought where i'll be now? going through the ups and downs and many uncertainties. and i've graduated. graduation is on 31st july. monday. 10-11.30am. everyone's invited to come at 11.30 after the ceremony ends. i think that's the time it ends.

to have come this far, i can only say that it is God who brought me through. it has been a crazy crazy journey. the disappointments, the lessons, the times. God really placed people around me, brothers and sisters in Christ. and don't think those younger didn't impact me either. they did in their own ways.

have been preparing things for my parents when they come. one of the big things is cleaning the house. but done already. so the house looks good and is clean.

Last Words

i read this in the book, 'Man in the Mirror' by Patrick Morley.
and before i posted it, i went and did an extra check online to see if it was Napoleon's last words.

it was the topic 'How can a man change?' and the section about last words.
---
the last words or late-in-life words of men are fascinating. Men's last words often betray that the positions they took and the priorities they lived by early in their lives didn't satisfy their longing for meaning and purpose. some men attain great esteem in this world - their accomplishments are significant in the eyes of men. but at the end of their lives, how many of these men rest in peace? how many of these men satisfy that deep hunger each of us has for purpose, meaning and significance?

there were some examples. but i'll just type Socrates and Napoleon's.

Socrates' last words were:
'All for the wisdom of this world is but a tiny raft upon which we must set sail when we leave this earth. if only there was a firmer foundation upon which to sail, perhaps some divine word.'

Napoleon's last words were:
'I die before my time and my body shall be given back to the earth and devoured by worms. What an abysmal gulf between my deep miseries and the eternal Kingdom of Christ. I marvel that whereas the ambitious dreams of myself and of Alexander and of Caesar should have vanished into thin air, a Judean peasant - Jesus - should be able to stretch his hands across the centuries, and control the destinies of men and nations.'

---

Praise and Worship night...

praise and worship night? it was also an evangelistic night. the title? 'Who Is He?' and there was narration and 2 sessions of worship. kind of arranged them to Part 1 and Part 2.

it went well.
do you know how much we prayed? on thursday, we had already practised one round and it really wore us down trying to prefect some parts. and to give a one last practise as a final rehearsal later was like, 'um... i don't think so' type of feeling. but we prayed. there was the need to pray. and we offered it to God. every bit. that was what was needed.
the refreshment of spirit is so needed and God needs to pour His cooling waters on us. we need to follow Him when He makes us lie down on green pastures and leads us beside still waters to restore our souls.

i have to say i'm busy. busy running around that is. and i think i'm losing some footing. feeling a bit directionless also. yeah, its kind of a weird thing lah to have experienced a good night and then still feel out of place and odd.

i remember in one of the Christian Men books i read, was that: Every man has his price. this was in reference to all sorts of temptation and i would say to many other things as well. an example is that, given the right circumstances, the right settings, the right time, the right 'reasoning' of the thoughts in the mind, a man will fall to that temptation.
Every man also has his own fear and weak link that would cause their faith to shake.

i have to say that something in the past days kind of hit straight to the heart about something i fear. not really fear but kinds of shakes me. its kind of getting personal, but forgive me cause i won't tell much. it shook my faith a bit and had me questioning again why i sacrifice and serve God and had me doubting about me carrying my cross for God.

it's a disturbing thought lah. but i helps me reallign myself. a wake up call, it would be called. a sign to check my bearings. i would be asking some older people about this. there's only so much wisdom i have.

For Only One

how valuable are we in God's eyes?
how valuable is one in God's eyes?

Matthew 18:12-14
'12 "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.'
its also in Luke 15:3-7 where the parable is told.

(sorry to spoil the reading, but this kind of sucks when you can't hear the music of the song)

For Only One

Words and music by Ray Boltz and Steve Millikan

A simple gospel message
In a little church one day
Touched the heart of one
Who listened
As the congregation prayed
There'd been an invitation
Inviting all to come
But kneeling down to pray
Was only one

CHORUS:
For only one
He would have suffered
And given up His life
For only one
He'd have borne the shame
And made the sacrifice
For God so loved the whole world
He gave His only Son
But I believe
He'd have done the same
For only one

Now some may say, Why bother
With only one or two?
But Jesus knows the feeling
When the only one is you
So if you hear Him calling
Don't be ashamed to come
Even if you're the only one

CHORUS

For only one
He would have died for only one
You are the one

1992 Word Music (a div. of Word, Inc.), Shepherd Boy Music (adm. by Word, Inc.) and Weedom

I Think I See Gold

this was one of the songs that brought me through this semester.
seriously, i was always wondering, how long more?

and its not just about the finishing line. going back to 2004 when everything crumbled, i had no idea what was happening. the only thing i could do was push forward through the years and not know what was happening. and after pushing for 2 years, there are still doubts of what if its not the end at this semester? what if i have to continue even more? what for? why?

this song spoke a lot to me. honestly, i thought it was just some song about riches but listening to it brought me spirit. i looked at myself and wondered, what gold? is there any possibility to still have gold? i would not know. i only know to just push and persevere. what gold? that would be for God to show me.

I Think I See Gold
- Ray Boltz -

Words by Ray Boltz, Music by Steve Millikan and Ray Boltz

I see you struggling every day
You think, How long
Can I go on this way?
On and on
Again and again
Oh, when will it end?

You think, I just can't go on
Much longer
But inside, my friend,
Your faith is growing stronger
You feel the fire burning
Deep in your soul
But I want you to know

CHORUS:
I think I see gold
I think I see gold in the fire
Right there in the ashes
Is all you've desired
Oh, it's hard
As you press toward the goal
Don't give up
Don't give in
Don't stop now
I think I see gold

Until this moment
You've always believed
When life grew darkest
By faith you could see
Open your eyes
Look for the light
You see, you were right

These lonely hours
Like a fire refining
Something that's precious
Something that's shining
There in the darkness
Surrounded by coals
Is starting to glow

1992 Word Music (a div. of Word, Inc.), Shepherd Boy Music (adm. by Word, Inc.) and Weedom

just a nail?

in another part of 'Finishing Strong' by Steve Farrar,

- an old parable told by a Haitian pastor -
A certain man wanted to sell his house for $2,000. Another man wanted to buy it very badly, but he was a poor man and didn't have the full price. After much bargaining, the owner agreed to sell the house to the man for $1,000. But the reduced price came with a stipulation (condition). the owner would sell the house, but he would keep ownership of a large nail protruding from over the front door.

Several years later, the orginal owner decided he wanted to buy the house back. Understandably, the new owner was unwilling to sell. As a result, the original owner went out, found a carcass of a dead dog in the street and hung it from the nail he still owned. Soon the house became unlivable and the family was forced to sell the owner of the nail.'

the pastor concluded the story: "if we leave the devil with even one small peg in our life, he will return to hand his rotting garbage on it."

Ephesians 4:25-27
'25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.'

the moulding ....

Ephesians 4:30-32
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

here's a story...
a young man who was having a significant ministry in a small English village many years ago. people were coming from miles around to hear him teach the Scriptures. in his midtwenties, he had a voracious appetite for not only teaching the Scriptures but knowing them as well. He was making an impact in the village and the surrounding area. Until the charges were made.

a young woman came forward and claimed that he had tried to force himself upon her sexually. the word spread like wildfire across the country-side. he was finished. the sentiments of the people were with the young girl. his reputation was in shambles. And it was all a lie. it simply never happened.

the young man struggled deeply with the betrayal of the young woman whom he had legitimately tried to help. but she had turned on him and was in the process of ruining his ministry for life. he thought he would never recover. how could he ever minister again anywhere with such charges against him?

bitterness just about overwhelmed him. the betrayal was too much. he couldn't bear it and he couldn't undo it. but with God's help, he refused to allow that bitterness to take root in his heart. God enabled him to conquer the bitterness just as Joseph(in the Bible) had conquered it. the falsely accused young man thought he would never again be used by God.

but there are millions of people who can vouch for that fact that Oswald Chambers was greatly used of God before it was all over. to this day his book, My Utmost for His Highest, tops the Christian bestseller list.

of course its not about the top Christian bestseller list. from the book, 'Finishing Strong' by Steve Farrar, this topic was about bitterness. if anyone has a valid reason for being bitter, one would be Joseph (in Genesis) and another, Jesus (our Lord). they experience betrayal straight to their hearts and look at their reactions...

victorious?

well, the paper went well. i hope i didn't make any careless mistakes. it was a challenge to be writing nonstop and adhering to formats. i guess now is just waiting for results. but it's good :)

a journey of ups and downs. the taste of perseverance as it matures is... i dunno... sweet? i think i'm more of feeling mellow (softened) into some super reflective mode, thinking about my past years studying.

i think i will want to record down everything that has happened and also more of what i have learned through the years. i think it is important to record down. more of a journal. it is important to record down. i'm afraid i may forget what i have learned. then it would be a waste of going through those pains.

honestly, many times i look back, wondering whether i could have done without those pains, why did it happen and could i have done better? those feelings of regrets and just wondering why... and when i think again, things would be pretty different if i didn't have those pains. even more, if i didn't persevere.

it is by faith in God that i persevered. nothing else. God took away the surface and unnecessary stuff which i deem important to strengthen my foundations.
How Great is our God!