aimless...

i feel aimless. standing still and having uncertainties. trying to move and moving, but having no idea where. you have a goal, but not knowing how to get there, whether the path is 100%. afraid. you do your best to make decisions, hoping it is wise, putting much thoughts. but get reactions that are otherwise. and the basis of having made the decisions was counted as foolish. fury isn't such a good thing. or could it be? talk about being emotionally drained, what about being emotionally disappointed. being busy doesn't help. got to lay of other things that are important as well. already not so mobile though i try to be. to keep moving. confidence is a funny thing. you need it. but when you lose it, you lose a lot. what about God's will? but we go back to the preparations first. the chipping of the block before it is used. trying to just keep steady and not blow. crying is ok. you have dead long days, weeks, months, struggling all the way, only to see results that are not of wanting. you try to rise, only to see things prepared otherwise for you. so what's the point of rising? be strong... be strong. you try to continue to lead life like normal. but then, now you got to sacrifice so much. how do you balance or choose between equal needs? what does it mean to live a life that God wants? to live a life with God, walking in God's path? at moments you just feel it is all fogged up. you can't see anything. you thought you saw the path, but then it was shaken up a bit. you try to see again and get a clearer view of the path, but more fog comes. shamefully, you have to say, " i don't know." you try to be an example, not to men, but to live God's way. you know the moment you make a mistake or took a wrong step or something bad, news spread faster than the speed of light. you got to get on your knees and ask for forgiveness. i will fight. i will not give up. the days of booms and recessions. underneath the surface, is there an underlying strength of good foundation? is that what counts, or is deception going to come in where only the surface is valued and not the depths? walk in faith. have faith. stand firm. be confident. trust God. long-run. is this a process of growing and chipping of the block, where silver is cleansed from its impurities?

sleepy.