what's this week about?

another hot blazing week.

work, hmm.. i don't think it has been terrible. it was torturous to me, but more because i was frustrated at my mistakes. more haste, less speed that kind of thing. due to shortage of time (thurs was a public holiday), i had to take certain risks to not waste time and continue to finish the work for the week, and i skipped on 2 checks (which was time consuming) and it nearly killed me off. i had to re-run my process flow twice(which is very long).

but fortunately, managed to salvage the situation. not needing to run fully due to some variables that i didn't leave out as a back-up safety measure, the gamble paid off (though it could have gone very wrong too).
i've managed to finish monday's work too. haha... so i'm free on monday!
yeah.. i wish... i bought myself an extra day for a project due on weds.

had lunch with ron and kim on wednesday. through our conversations, i have more research to do. things to find out. words to define.
yesterday's small group was about Dissension. what is dissension? what causes dissension? and what is unity? sounds simple enough, that is... till we got to the church and working examples.

due to the small groups usages of multiply, i finally tidy up and make use of it. definitely for the photos, now that i've got a camera. still needing to learn how to post the pictures on the blog, pretty much need a much more convenient way. then i'll get about 1000 - 2000 words a day. much easier.
and i found others posting up photos. like jezzamine's 21st birthday. waliau.. not having time for onlining and catch up, that's a great blessing! getting to see the latest photos of my '2nd-family', though weird in all those costumes.

rest is something we all need. i hope everyone's getting it. or making time for it.

not yet...

things have been speeding by that it felt like so many things have passed. what more with the speed i do things. i thought i was sick last week, but no!
i was only sick on monday (which is 5 days ago). which explains why i've been sleeping in the weekend.

dang! does this amount of time sleeping goes under 'a must and valid rest' or does it goes under 'indiscipine' for not studying?

well, whatever the argument, i just know my grave just became deeper.
not good for the nerves. i was just talking with someone about the exam and he was asking, am i putting too much pressure on myself?
um... well... is wanting to pass too much pressure on myself?

been getting panic attacks and high intensity stress levels before going to sleep. so i'm like sweating in bed before i sleep. heart pounding and all. cause i'm thinking, oh no! i didn't do enough for the day. another day wasted. and there's so much more to do. then i do not get enough sleep and so affects the next day and i can't work properly and try to study and the anxiety cycle continues...

not quite a nice life, but they are normal stress patterns. thats what the melancholics always get. good thinkers but with also an alternative bad side. really got to pray to ask God to protect my mind and guard my heart. it tests the faith definitely. i wonder a lot. is it worth it? what am i doing with my life?

perhaps it just comes down to real grit and determination. just fry the brain and sit through the torture. press hard and push on. irregardless of whatsoever.
but you can't sacrifice health and work, right? and i'm not even mentioning church or serving.

i think i'll just have to go back to one of my theme's of studying. "Cut of Emotions, and be a Block of Wood, and Study."

down...

sick. down, and hopefully not yet out. trying to make sure not yet out.
tahan through the first half of the day and manage to finish my work. and took half day M.C. and fortunately i did, cause after i was home, i felt nauseous and dizzy and i just knock out for a few hours before i wake up for dinner.

i didn't expect to be sick. but okayyy... another challenge to deal with while i'm trying to study.
maybe it was exhaustion throughout the weeks.

i was just going through a book again by Billy Graham, titled 'The Journey'. it covers a lot of areas and is full of scripture verses. it was very refreshing cause i'm reminded of thoughts that i had when i was reading it in adelaide. now i'm thinking, hmm... has anything changed for the better? have i lost anything? have i got any areas worse?
ah well... personal times of reflection...

i continue on re-reading 'The Man in the Mirror' by Patrick Morley.

past half of april...

passing the halfway mark of april, i did realise, oh no.. the blog!

the past few weeks have been pretty routine. and i was noticing the energy levels are really hitting a crucial stage. many times i wonder, is it possible? have i actually gone through this type of schedule before?

starting mondays, i feel much better. of course, that's making sure i rest on the weekends. tuesday and thursday nights i have class which utterly drains me. i have weds to recuperate for thursday's class. and by friday, i'm drained. i do get worried many a times that i'll faint or collapse.
the tuesdays and thursdays, i leave the house by 7.00am and i return home by 11pm.

i am close to falling asleep in office many times which obviously isn't good. but i compensate with the speed of working that i do. so now, i just pretty much finish about 75% my work in the first half of the day. and struggle for the rest of the day. there'll be the good days and days where i have to stand while working to avoid falling asleep.

interestingly, that's not counting any exercise or sports.
so, if i do sports, i'll be.... pretty much knocked out.
after my exam on june 8, i got to get fit again.

the occasional emailing, the once in a while chat, small group, does keep the spirits up amidst the mounting pressure.
alright... going to keep trying...

Outing with Ray and later... Elvin

coming back from KK, i KO. came back on a tuesday, rest for a wednesday, M.C. for a thursday, struggled for a friday, and KO for the sat and sun.

the good thing is i rested. sleep non stop. Ray Ng came back from adelaide and was about to leave soon. he did tell me earlier, but then i had to say, after KK. it was some quick plannning and communication to the other OCF Adelaideans and it was at the central place, midvalley, little penang. ray, yvonne, edward and delicia, and me. the others couldnt make it.

later in the week, on sat, elvin was up from singapore to watch the F1 in Sepang. he is that dedicated to the sound of the engines, which brings to mind, hey! we did meet up at about this same time last year. F1 again!
kevin and fannie also came up. it was certainly wonderful to see them. and also pretty awkward... i was like, hello fannie, and shook hands...which made it SO awkward...(what was i doing?)(hey...give your big sister a hug...) and so a hug. perhaps after some time, i'm de-culturized from hugging. got to remember that some things do stay the same. getting shy-er...

we were at Jalan Alor (behind bukit bintang) for the chicken wings that was awarded 'Best in Malaysia' by daryl tan. (tankiasu.xanga). the singaporean judges agreed. i think we had 2 plates. or was it 3?

it was the easter weekend. and there was a prayer vigil going on at church. 24 hours prayer nonstop from 8pm friday till the 6.45 a.m. sunrise service on sunday. and people are encouraged to choose your slots, and come to church to pray. no one wanted to do the 'graveyard' shifts which was at 1-6 a.m. sunday morning. so my small group went for 1-2a.m. we were praying and worshipping and before we knew it, it was 3a.m. there were other adults that are taking care of the slots(timekeepers). they pretty much let us have a 'free flow' and they'll take the remaining hours.

i have to admit, it did took a toll on me. i'm surviving on minimal sleep on weekdays, and to have it cut short on a weekend, gulp! thankfully, it was just a short after effect.

as of 29 march, i have only 70 days left to study for CFA. i'm not really seeing much light. i have that wish, to be after the exam, and having a good feeling and also relief. but then, that's a wish, that will require a lot of blood and sweat before it comes true.
isn't it typical of us? wanting to have the fruits and not the labour?

gosh... have to remember the good things in my final semester of uni. it was a tough but great semester. will try to perform the same way, just that this time, full time working is included. blehhhh! i think i just depressed myself.
i don't deny. these thoughts come to my head.

alright then. i'll be going back to planning and envisualizing myself for the next 2 months.