looking ahead...

this is one of those times i dread to look ahead.

please pray for me. a season of trials and perseverance is coming... or has come already...
- strength - physically & mentally
- spirit - refreshed each day
- trusting God - calmness
- discipline
- resilience & perseverance
- anything else i forgotten...

MU in Malaysia...18 july...

i never thought that i'd be going for it till allan called. so i thought, why not. never been before anyway and since i'm still young and a little spare time. and also just in time cause i can get a ticket also for my maid(or 2nd mother) as a birthday present.

i don't like crowds. the match starts at 5.00pm. we intend to reach there by 4, but there were already so many cars lined up. its already 'Many' at that time, i don't want to imagine what was it at 4.30 or 5pm. we decided in the end to park somewhere nearby and walk over. no point trying to queue into the bukit jalil parking area.

the stadium holds 80,000+ people. i believe it was full. thought of taking the LRT but thankfully i didn't. carpooled instead. (in the later days, many complaints about the LRT in the newspapers).

the whole stadium was red and there was a small portion of yellow. quite interesting to hear the whole stadium shout out 'United' or 'Owen' in unison. grateful to have my camera back from U.K. cause it can zoom quite far. there were one or 2 that came in Chelsea jersey, Arsenal Jersey and Real Madrid jersey. of course they were booed pretty badly. manage to get a few shots. i'm sure they purposely did it... those attention seekers. one of the media guys actually came up to mr.chelsea and had a short interview. probably q's like 'are you in the wrong stadium?' or 'why you doing this?' or 'haven't die before ah?'... haha...

was very fortunate to get a good seat. was at MU's bench and i can see the whole field clearly. quite cool to get to see them in flesh. of course i was snapping all the way. the way the MU team played here was exactly the way they played in england. same style, same enthusiasm, same roughness (though i think it was lesser).

malaysia didn't have much confidence at first and struggled a bit. after going 2 goals down, they started to play well and manage to score one at the 47th minute. i think it was a beautiful goal. and in the 2nd half, malaysia manage to draw level with MU and it was 2-2 until Owen scored in the 85th minute to make it 3-2. pretty good game compared to a 6-0 loss 8 years ago. now singapore has liverpool coming up. for bragging rights, they need to score at least 2, i guess. haha...

it was quite an experience. for RM98 i think it was alright. at least i did it once.

immobilized...

well, 2 days of fever. really bad fever... yesterday morning, cannot breathe. body aching like crazy, can't even lift up the body right tonsil swollen. today, even worse, body even hotter and both tonsils swollen. swallowing is so painful.

thank goodness i don't have the flu. so at least i can breathe through my nose and not dry up and hurt the already painful throat. just drink hor yan hor the whole day. much much better now. this time the doctor gave anti-biotics.

its been a long while since i've been immobilized like this. i know i said earlier, i can take time to think and all that... nope. didn't think or reflect at all. not possible. brain was just blank all the way. i was in stasis mode. just lie still on the bed and don't move. plus i'm feeling cold. i didn't even want to wake up or move downstairs for lunch but of course, was forced to eat something. moving was painful cause of the sore muscles.

thankfully, now i'm much better, though just having the headaches and dizziness. pretty weak.. lost 2 kg. not bad eh? haha... hope i can restart quickly at work tomorrow.

in short, burn out. perhaps this immobilization is exactly what i need. cause i think the cause is not just a period of a few days, but accumulation of (let me check my calendar) waliau... okay... 4 weeks of no (what's the proper word?) sabbath.

sick...

well, i guess every body has a limit. having shortage of sleep and yet keeping production at a high level has its toll. woke up like normal today, but body badly aching and very hot. even breathing was hard.

still have some work to finish today, so i decided just emergency leave for half a day in the morning. but as time passes, totally wasn't alright. so a trip to the doctor gets me an MC.

being at home, gives me time to think and reflect. though at the moment, i'm more in stuck-brain mode and having a headache. but the quiet time gives me time, to just pause and ask God, how are things at the moment in my life? is it alright or has it been going wrong? who haven't i been asking 'how are you?'

last saturday i went to a wedding in shah alam. it was nice coming together again. seeing my uni friends. really encouraging.
the younger brother was sharing about how he admired his elder brother (bridegroom) and appreciating him. he shared about how his brother always wakes up at pray early in the morning. how does he know? because the brother prays very loudly. and why he doesn't ask him to pray softer or stop praying? because the brother was praying for him and the family.

irony...

its quite interesting to see how some people ridicule or compare those who put people first and those who put career first.

those that put people first would be spending more time with people, and in some ways, have a slower career in effect (ministering to others has its sacrifices.) and they praise those who have put career first and saying 'yeah.. well done... that's the way.' of course, some would still put effort into ministering and balance their efforts well, but most of the time, it is so pale in comparison to the effort and time in career.

and the irony of it is that, the same people that are ridiculing the 'people-first' person are the same ones that are complaining how selfish the world is.

agathians shelter...

reached home at 1a.m. (fri night/sat morn) after picking my mother up. slept about 5 hours and had to wake up to go to Agathians Shelter Home. the boys of mostly primary school age.

the day has gone well despite some hiccups. no injuries and they like the day out. the boys in my car just wished it was a longer day and they could go to the playground.

thank you to everyone in the small group who put in their effort for their preparation on friday and also waking up way early on a saturday. it was really encouraging to see everyone working together.

i have to say i was alright.. but also was very flustered towards the end. i'm not that good with little kids and my tolerance for little kids isn't that high. there were too many of them. but i tried my best lah... apologies to jon and anyone i offended, or 'snapped' a bit...not really a good example... i can still hear the kids voices in my head... 'can i play with the ball?' 'what are we doing now?' 'where to get water?' 'can i go to the playground?' 'what is happening next?'...

leaders, but not followers...

was reminded of something important today.

the tendency for leaders is to lead. always lead. and that strength itself also causes the weakness of an inability to follow. it is varies to different levels for each person.

i remember seeing many times, how someone who is charge gets some sort of a 'dressing down' or 'barriers' because the more experienced leaders were wanting to do things their way because it is better(which is possible) but then at the expense of the schedule of the PIC (person in charge). i find that pretty saddening and told myself to always be aware of that. sometimes alright, sometimes not; of which i regret badly. its not a good example at all.

so when you're in a group of talented leaders, it can get messy. submission is the thing that's needed. and i remember i learnt in OCF how no matter whether you're some great leader or whatever, you still have to submit to the person in charge of the event. even if its a first year student who is organizing. support him. that's the encouragement he needs. the participation, not the words of 'well done'.

i think the most obvious example is comparing youth camps and adult camps. youths will always be following the schedule and participating. for adults, much criticism will be on the schedule/event, followed by an inability to follow (for some 'justified' reason), packaged together with their own preferred schedule which they gladly just do as they wish... and watching from the sidelines.

waiting in KL sentral...

had preparation for our trip to Agathian's Shelter tomorrow. giving all the boys a little trip at Lake Gardens.

got to be at church at 7.45am tomorrow. i'm in trouble for that cause i'm still waiting for my mother to reach KL sentral. her itenary says that she'll touch down at 10.30pm and maybe check out time takes an hour and the train takes 28 minutes. she should be here by 12. but its 12.25am now. this is not good.

my mother's coming back for 2 weeks cause she miss home. really. my sister is also returning from her 6 months exchange programme and it'll be 3 of us together for 2 weeks. (i dread this period a little cause it is lots of logistics to arrange and be careful of... plus the amount of things that is happening that time)...

i'm going to be running on adrenaline tomorrow. though its just a 8-11 thing but its still tiring. fortunate to have my laptop here. but the battery is running out. and so is my body battery. been up since 6am today. in 5 hours more, it'll be 24 hours awake.

ah well, what to do. perhaps this quiet time is what i need. it is pretty quiet. my eyes are going blur a bit. a lot of wifi's provided in KL sentral. well, i guess its a business area and its definitely needed. i don't see many people waiting for this beijing flgiht. got taxi drivers around. the only speaking voice is the bloomberg news, some construction and the occasional mumblings of passer-by's.

had dinner with richard, sylvy, yvonne, chok, eng poh and ian on thursday night. everyone's coming together in KL because Jansen and Sharon are getting married tomorrow. it was so nice to see them again. adults stuff being discussed now and of course, the nonsense. some things never change... haha...

breathe in.. breathe out... breathe in.. breathe out... brain starting to fail too...

evening service...

yesterday at evening service, the pastor was preaching about Daniel. he brought up pretty interesting points. was playing organ again but this time for communion. really blast the Lord's Prayer. it was so grand and majestic.

the pastor read something about courage that he liked. he said,'Courage is fear that has said its prayers.' by Dorothy Bernard. he was elaborating how Daniel, when he was thrown into the lions den, possibly would feel scared. anyone would. possible with Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego. and what did daniel do? he would pray to God to ask for protection and God is faithful. He saves Daniel from the lions den.

faith? yes, we have faith. but when life gets tough, do we still have faith?

a hungry son...

had a senior sunday school midyear review... besides some things being sad and not so good, there were the good things as well.

a little story was shared by ron and it was a lot of insight. i will remember it for a long long time.

a baby cries because he is hungry. the father will feed him.

a 9 yr old son asks his father, 'dad, i'm hungry.' the father puts the cooked food on the table for him to eat. and the son feeds himself.

a teenager son asks his father, 'dad, i'm hungry.' the father replies, 'there's some cooked food in the fridge, go get some'.

an adult son asks his father, 'dad, i'm hungry.' the father replies, 'there's food in the fridge, go cook some'.

this is dealing with the issue of a timeline, the effort of eating food and method of feeding.
we are fed by our father when we are babies. and one stage older, we got to use our hands to pick the food that is prepared for us. another stage older, we go and look to get some ourselves. at the highest stage, we cook some for ourselves to eat.

as we age physically, we realize that in the real world, we want to be more independent and we want the more matured stuff.

unfortunately, for spiritual food. its taken lightly.
a teenager still wants to be fed by the father?

3 songs...

the 3 songs that i decided upon in the end would be what i wanted to lead and worship God with.

1) I will worship (i will give you all the glory)
2) Shout to the Lord
3) Lead Me On

worshipping God with all our heart, our God who is our comfort and shelter... so lead us on, Lord.

Lead Me On
Make my heart tender and pure
Make me strong help me endure
In this hour Let me stand
Hold me close With You I can

So lead me on and I will go
Lead me on and I will follow
Lead me on to where so few have gone
And I will go, I will go
Lead me on

With my heart, I will obey
With my life all the way
Keep my ears to Your wind
And live my life worshipping

oh man...

this is terrible...
am trying to prepare 3 songs... just threeeeee songs...for worship for small group. and even that is tough...

sigh... its like after thinking of a song, and going through the lyrics, nope.. not wanted... can't sing it... and again nope, not wanted.. and it repeats on and on.

its highly probable.. ok.. i'm sure that being in a struggling position and on a tightrope and going down and down... is not a good position to be leading worship. sigh... what is God trying to tell me?

i need to sleep early and this isn't helping...

in God's hands...

haven't been getting enough sleep lately... just having things to do and prepare... sometimes enjoying and being naughty staying up late... seeing major things for the next 6 months already planned, it is daunting and another case of work vs needs vs dreams vs goals vs priorities vs sacrifice. trying to build up the good routine and habits back again... trying to have an hour of quietness.. i just realized i haven't had any sabbath for nearly 3 weeks. seeing this weekend, oh boy... its going to adding another week. that's not too good. at least i am quite productive at work and good results churning, but having really low battery by the end of the day.

a little bit rattled already.

just got to remember, that we're: