not yet...

things have been speeding by that it felt like so many things have passed. what more with the speed i do things. i thought i was sick last week, but no!
i was only sick on monday (which is 5 days ago). which explains why i've been sleeping in the weekend.

dang! does this amount of time sleeping goes under 'a must and valid rest' or does it goes under 'indiscipine' for not studying?

well, whatever the argument, i just know my grave just became deeper.
not good for the nerves. i was just talking with someone about the exam and he was asking, am i putting too much pressure on myself?
um... well... is wanting to pass too much pressure on myself?

been getting panic attacks and high intensity stress levels before going to sleep. so i'm like sweating in bed before i sleep. heart pounding and all. cause i'm thinking, oh no! i didn't do enough for the day. another day wasted. and there's so much more to do. then i do not get enough sleep and so affects the next day and i can't work properly and try to study and the anxiety cycle continues...

not quite a nice life, but they are normal stress patterns. thats what the melancholics always get. good thinkers but with also an alternative bad side. really got to pray to ask God to protect my mind and guard my heart. it tests the faith definitely. i wonder a lot. is it worth it? what am i doing with my life?

perhaps it just comes down to real grit and determination. just fry the brain and sit through the torture. press hard and push on. irregardless of whatsoever.
but you can't sacrifice health and work, right? and i'm not even mentioning church or serving.

i think i'll just have to go back to one of my theme's of studying. "Cut of Emotions, and be a Block of Wood, and Study."

down...

sick. down, and hopefully not yet out. trying to make sure not yet out.
tahan through the first half of the day and manage to finish my work. and took half day M.C. and fortunately i did, cause after i was home, i felt nauseous and dizzy and i just knock out for a few hours before i wake up for dinner.

i didn't expect to be sick. but okayyy... another challenge to deal with while i'm trying to study.
maybe it was exhaustion throughout the weeks.

i was just going through a book again by Billy Graham, titled 'The Journey'. it covers a lot of areas and is full of scripture verses. it was very refreshing cause i'm reminded of thoughts that i had when i was reading it in adelaide. now i'm thinking, hmm... has anything changed for the better? have i lost anything? have i got any areas worse?
ah well... personal times of reflection...

i continue on re-reading 'The Man in the Mirror' by Patrick Morley.

past half of april...

passing the halfway mark of april, i did realise, oh no.. the blog!

the past few weeks have been pretty routine. and i was noticing the energy levels are really hitting a crucial stage. many times i wonder, is it possible? have i actually gone through this type of schedule before?

starting mondays, i feel much better. of course, that's making sure i rest on the weekends. tuesday and thursday nights i have class which utterly drains me. i have weds to recuperate for thursday's class. and by friday, i'm drained. i do get worried many a times that i'll faint or collapse.
the tuesdays and thursdays, i leave the house by 7.00am and i return home by 11pm.

i am close to falling asleep in office many times which obviously isn't good. but i compensate with the speed of working that i do. so now, i just pretty much finish about 75% my work in the first half of the day. and struggle for the rest of the day. there'll be the good days and days where i have to stand while working to avoid falling asleep.

interestingly, that's not counting any exercise or sports.
so, if i do sports, i'll be.... pretty much knocked out.
after my exam on june 8, i got to get fit again.

the occasional emailing, the once in a while chat, small group, does keep the spirits up amidst the mounting pressure.
alright... going to keep trying...