day 6...

day 4, i can't remember what i did on day 4, but i hope it was something productive. day 5, i think wasted. and day 6, today, gone case again. plus i'm having a headache. emotions are running haywire... haih...

time is running short. maybe i'm out of steam.
the graph steadily went up and now is down. starting monday, i'll have to be practising questions to get the hang of it cause speed and accuracy is the game for this level 1 paper.

frustrations are building up.
circumstances that i cannot avoid come. some say can avoid. logically, i have to do it because in the long run, it won't be worth it. but then again, logically also, in the long run, its also not worth it eating time out of studying.

i'm not saying that its always the external that is affecting us. i mean, sometimes it is a genuine claim. and this issue, which i wrestled with last time, brings about some sort of wisdom that i learnt which keeps me going. 'these external things have happened and got you into this position. so, the main question is, what are you doing to do about it?' the fault of me being in this (usually terrible) position is not of my own and i'd be justified, but the fault will be my own when i don't do anything about it and just blame.

which brings me back to asking again, what is happening now? what is God wanting to teach me in this period that i'm going through?
putting away these frustrations (which would most likely seem petty when i'm having those 'hindsight' perpective flashbacks), perhaps trusting in Him.
i'd also think that it is a questioning of why am i taking this professional cert. changing my current perception of professional certs. perception cultivated from years of training as a student. perhaps fear of another academic event has rendered me incapable of serving, planning, and just trying not to fail.
i thought i know what i was doing when i took up this professional cert. now, it seems i didn't know what i was doing. cause if i had known what i was doing, i'd have done lots of things differently. so, ok, learn another thing.
keep steady and keep on learning.

i have to say that in this period, there are things i've learnt.
1) i don't have time.
2) how i'm wasting my time.
3) finding what really matters and what doesn't.
4) what's my passion.
5) the cruelty of reality that robs greatness/dreams for the sake of security.
6) the emphasis on personal placement and status that is loudly proclaimed and though we may deny it, yet it is so subconsciously practised in our everyday lives without knowing it.
7) personal 'networth' + integrity/morality is the measurement of success. integrity and morality by itself is not.

it may seem depressing. some may deduce where i am going. perhaps it is knowing these things that makes us value the things we love even more and the most important, knowing where you stand.
typing this out, helps clear my mind. and if i'm offending anyone, so sorry. but, hey, i'm as normal as anyone going through something.

oh great... another of those 'weird' moments. i really got to find a word for these 'moments'. what the heck?... anyways, just got an sms. its ALWAYS weird how God answers. forever baffling me.