home....

yes, i am home...came back on the 12th.

it is a relief to be home. so so so very very very relieved. when i came back, i cried a little bit in the car (thank goodness it was dark), knowing that finally the year is over. it is finally over. tears of relief. joy? i dunno...

i'm still exhausted. still kind of disturbed. how long more, how far more, where, what have i done, what have i not done. i did not want any of this to happen and i put in the effort to make sure that it doesn't happen. i can only cry out in silence and in defense. but it is of no proof that i did work hard or did concentrate or put in effort.
who will believe me? don't think anyone will. in the typical asian culture, there is the loser who wasted his parents money. his other strengths don't count anymore if the main objectives can't be reached. no more serving.

been home and talking with my parents each day about future plans. evaluation. spending time. they have been understanding, but at the same time disappointed and concern over what has happened to me. never has a fall this big happened.

many would have heard the testimony that penny asked me to share at convention. how could i forget the period that i gone through. what is it for? a sign of comfort and revelation. that is all there is to hold on to. but where does it lead to? what's the purpose? talk about faith man... the questions still come...

i'm still lost and disappointed, in the face of uncertainty. i need healing.