aimless...

i feel aimless. standing still and having uncertainties. trying to move and moving, but having no idea where. you have a goal, but not knowing how to get there, whether the path is 100%. afraid. you do your best to make decisions, hoping it is wise, putting much thoughts. but get reactions that are otherwise. and the basis of having made the decisions was counted as foolish. fury isn't such a good thing. or could it be? talk about being emotionally drained, what about being emotionally disappointed. being busy doesn't help. got to lay of other things that are important as well. already not so mobile though i try to be. to keep moving. confidence is a funny thing. you need it. but when you lose it, you lose a lot. what about God's will? but we go back to the preparations first. the chipping of the block before it is used. trying to just keep steady and not blow. crying is ok. you have dead long days, weeks, months, struggling all the way, only to see results that are not of wanting. you try to rise, only to see things prepared otherwise for you. so what's the point of rising? be strong... be strong. you try to continue to lead life like normal. but then, now you got to sacrifice so much. how do you balance or choose between equal needs? what does it mean to live a life that God wants? to live a life with God, walking in God's path? at moments you just feel it is all fogged up. you can't see anything. you thought you saw the path, but then it was shaken up a bit. you try to see again and get a clearer view of the path, but more fog comes. shamefully, you have to say, " i don't know." you try to be an example, not to men, but to live God's way. you know the moment you make a mistake or took a wrong step or something bad, news spread faster than the speed of light. you got to get on your knees and ask for forgiveness. i will fight. i will not give up. the days of booms and recessions. underneath the surface, is there an underlying strength of good foundation? is that what counts, or is deception going to come in where only the surface is valued and not the depths? walk in faith. have faith. stand firm. be confident. trust God. long-run. is this a process of growing and chipping of the block, where silver is cleansed from its impurities?

sleepy.

pulling of the heart...

ever since the exam dates came out, this matter has always been in my mind, always pulling at my heart. i didn't really know whether or not to type it out. the matter may seem small, but it really pulled at 2 things that was part of my heart. i guess you would see the softer and emotional side of me.

it is a choice, to go to convention, or to go home. initially, i chose to go for convention in brisbane. it was in the assumption that exams would end about the last week of Nov. and then convention would follow. so it won't make a difference in the amount of time that i have to spend back home. i will be returning for summer course making the dates, leaving adelaide on the 14th Dec and returning on 1st Jan for summer course. 2 weeks back home.

but when i found out my last paper was on the 15th Nov, there was the big difference of adding an extra month that i could spend back home if i flew back quickly. 1 and 1/2 months! but then i would have to forgo convention.

yes, i would have really thought so much about it, to weigh its pro's and con's, priority, but both equally pulled at the heart. my parents and sister back home, or convention. i do not want to take for granted 'family' back home, but yet, not wanting to miss an opportunity to learn and grow and have an amazing experience in convention. some may think, 'it's just a camp', but it is not just a camp. i want to make my parents happy, but also wanting to be able to talk to others and learn from others in convention. i really love my parents. and would want to make them happy.

my parents called on saturday night. i was so emotionally drained. my parents, of course, would really want me to spend more time back home ( being close to a year away), but they also said that the decision is mine, and they will respect the decision. really cried. i was so exhausted.

talked with a lot of people. seeked advice. their wisdom. many of the reasons that they mentioned, i have thought of and weighed. i have the tendency to think a lot, and Chok stopped me. so did Fannie. zip the brain, and be still. be still.....

it really is a hard decision for me to make. i do not dare to write out some lines cause i think i may exagerate and not use the words properly. did i spend time in prayer about it? i'm guilty for that. i don't think i did spend a lot of time in prayer for the matter, but only spent time thinking about it and worrying about it, thinking that if i put more thought into it, i will get the answer.

i guess i will follow Fannie's advice. everytime a worrying thought comes, put it into prayer.

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.'
Phillipians 4:6

sprained leg...

well, well....am pretty exhausted. from 2 things. a week full of stuff. and a sprained leg. and to everyone's surprise ( or maybe they were not), the accident-prone me sprained my leg. but it is my left leg this time, and not my right ( which was the previous time). but i was in protest. one would need to go through some pain before they could reach their dream of being a star soccer player. hahahaha.... the injury was due to dedication in soccer. yeah yeah....

it's great to see the friends that i have. the support + the teasing. some wanted to play 'tag' , some tried to tickle me, some had the enjoyment of trying out the crutches and doing flying kicks. haha... it is wonderful to have a family here, all brothers and sisters in Christ.

since this being the second time, i decided i will learn from the first time. complain less, be less dull, and smile. it's not going to stop my heart. there is still joy. life still goes on. there is still a lot of things to do. besides work, there are people around to talk to and lives to touch.

thank you

i want to thank the many people who have been attending and reading my writings. gillian came and read... handy also... and to the many others, rowen and bernard. so happy... i hope that the site, will be a reaching out site and a good site-witness. hahaha... excuse the lame corny line.

yes the posting is really really late. its monday now, and the event was on saturday. was busy. now that holidays are ending. time to kick in all the gears back again. with assignments due and chores, and tasks, really had no mood or time to write. uni starts tomorrow. uni isn't bad. the only thing that is draggy is that the assignments are due and exams are getting nearer. got to revise the tutorials and be smart in the learning. bleh...

but with all that said, Gillian did gave me a card. and the verse on it was, 'I can do all things through Him who gave me strength.' Phillipians 4:13.

and a few amusing lines from Handy about me (only remember two) : ' You had a no-point-in-life period in Aug' and ' You're destined to work with dominant women.'

time of praise and worship...

was busy trying to finish work and balance the time of practises and uni work. and didn't post for a few days. even if i posted it would be work, work and work.

yesterday, there was a praise and worship event by the english congregation of the Goodwood church. it was their first time having such an event. i learnt many things. besides the journey of completing the race ( or completion of the event ), the day also had lessons that i learnt and reflected upon. got to spend more time and get to know more of Handy, Eng Poh, Arthur, Addielle and Elaine.

the 17 songs being practised over and over again, well, it really does make you get irritated. and when the worship leader repeats it over and over and over, its doesn't help at all. we did laugh about it and all, but i was worried that the songs will just be an irritation and the playing will just be for the playing and not for worship.

i have to say that not much publicity was done for the event. arthur and i was talking about it and he said, probably less than 50 will come. i tried to be more optimistic, but honestly, i got a bit scared about it as well. but i decided to go on in faith and continue to play. even if it means the place is going to be empty.

but, about 60-70 people turned up. it was amazing. and a lot were OCFers. it was so nice to get to see all of them. really wonderful. the songs of praise and worship, were meaningful. hearing the preaching and arthur's testimony, showed even more meaning for the songs. it really is a God blessed night. Glory to God on high!