of songs and memories...

as my work is a sit-in-front-of-comp type of work, having some music helps. somehow, i just thought of going through the hillsongs and bring some selected few to work. more of my favourites and they really refreshed me.
and it was at work that i realised, hey, somehow there was a link to why these songs were taken 'subconsciously' (i just see the title and grab a few). it is something like, the songs are a part of me. hmm, okayy, a bit dramatic. but something like that. the lyrics played its part in its respective times that i knew the songs.

1) one of the main songs for Convention 2003 in Tasmania (campsite was in Ulverstone). i remember the convention very well. the theme was 'Heaven's Mandate, Earth's Mission'.

To the Ends of the Earth

...And I would give the world to tell You're story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me....

....Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God ...

2) one of the songs that brought me through year 2004. it was the year that was, um, not so good. it was hard to see God then.

Through It All

...And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

3) this was for about the 2nd part of 2004. also had a part 2 of a not-so-good year.

Still

... When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

4) the first song i played for the English Service in Goodwood Methodist Church. it was for the English choir to sing during the Chinese Service. only 15 in the congregation, but it is still a Church = the body of Christ.

This Kingdom

....And this Kingdom will know no end,
And it's glory shall know no bounds.
For the majesty and power
Of this Kingdom's King has come.
And this Kingdom's reign,
And this Kingdom's rule,
And this Kingdom's power and authority
Jesus, God's righteousness revealed.

5) this was the song i played bass guitar in Easter Camp 2006 for Delwin. it was the last time i served in my last Easter camp.

Emmanuel

Holy Holy
I will bow before
My Lord and King
Hallelujah
You have come to us
You make all things new

Emmanuel
Jesus Christ
You'll never let me go
My Shepherd King
You're watching over me
Emmanuel...

so what happened?

before i forget, i would remember and thank priscilla for also remembering my birthday, way before hand. and danny did send the wish to me.

and the weekend? okay.. i was KOed out. full days on thurs, fri and sat. waliau...
i have a green teddy bear in office which is one of my friends in times of stress, and i have Wilson, my tennis ball. so towards about 9pm on sat, my colleague and i were throwing the tennis ball in the office. my manager just let us do it to lessen the stress...

bouncing the tennis ball in the office after about 2 hours of work, helps to relax. because it is a hand and eye and brain coordination. the eye exercises and so do the neck and hands.
what the? why am i talking about Wilson? aiyah....

anyways, i didn't have to work on sunday, cause i made sure its all finish by the time saturday ends. so there, my Sabbath is still there. so much for worrying in the previous posts.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

i did reflect upon what happen in my last birthday. it was nearing exams. and i had priscilla to thank for making that 22nd birthday really good = surrounded by friends that i love.
and before that, i thought i was staying on and thought no big deal if my 22nd wasn't celebrated cause there will still be the 23rd in adelaide. yeah, yeah... so i thought. but priscilla didn't let that happen. priscilla was shocked when i replied, 'nothing. don't need to do anything lah. too near exams.' and she was so nice to really plan it out and the LIST especially. it was in a chocolate shop. the best stuff in the world! CHOCOLATE! and its CHOCOLATE and FRIENDS!

and so, my last birthday in adelaide, was made good to remember.

my birthday 23rd may 07.

what did i do on the 23rd of may when i turn 23 this year?

23 on 23. cool...
i'd have like it to be in adelaide. but of course, can't lah.
but adelaide came to me. or at least one part. danny!
(it was actually 2. but wai kong(keith) couldn't come. had car problems. was so wanting him to make it).

i got leave from work. so fortunate.
went to midvalley in the morning, talked at MPH. and later, had 3 games of bowling each. had lunch at sushi king. waliau super full man. i usually won't go to such places but its birthday!
later on watched Wild Hogs. its a comedy but also quite meaningful at some parts.

the fellowship and deep talk is good. sharpening each other. talked a lot about God's Word and the authors and preachers and teachers. really had a good time. really encouraged at what danny has gathered. i was in good spirits.

thursday, had a lunch celebration at work. me on 23rd and 2 others on 25th. ate a lot. a lot lot. ok, and then, work began to pile up. and really pile.
went back late.

today, also came back late again. missed the cell meeting. so now you see why i really respect those that really can still make it to go to cell meetings.
and guess what?
tomorrow, i've got to work the whole day again. got to miss the youth meetings. someone got to replace me on piano. and if work continues to pile on, that includes going back on sunday which... which.... haih, this is the grey area again.

okay... its in the 10 commandments. keep the Sabbath day holy. but as you know, it is not necessarily a sunday and how a day is kept holy and depending on situations and etc... elaborating and arguing this is another story.

i know very easy to point out black and white and tell me. but it is not as simple as that in the working world and in life. saying this also i got to make sure that i'm not saying that as an excuse or avenue out of it.
well, that's if it happens. so i going to work even harder tomorrow to make sure it doesn't happen. if too bad cannot escape, um.... see how lah. maybe go after church. answers? got to go ask pastor lah.

honor God.

one of my colleagues grandmother passed away today. an internal email was sent informing us that the department is collecting a fund for him and to deposit into his account.

earlier on, i had forgotten to do some work on a report and the check on the report was closed last week. i remembered today, when my manager asked me. you can say all my blood went to my feet. if my data comparison had differences i'm in deep trouble. one of my colleagues had to endure a shouting match last week. so i was very worried and it bothered me a lot.

when the envelope for my colleague was passed to me, i put in a sum, and also my 5 cent and 1 cent coins, and also thinking that they should be able to deposit it at the counter. how insensitive of me. i wasn't thinking at all.

and later i heard one of my colleagues exclaimed loudly, 'who gave coins?' i was wearing both my earphones and i could still hear it. they saw the coins and they were using the machine to deposit the money.
i was going, oh crap, i'm in trouble. so i decided, finish my work first.

fortunately for me, everything in my report passed. but through the work, my mind was worried and wondering what in the world is going to happen. embaressing, yes, i'm ok with it, but i was more bothered that this is the Christian witness i am giving to my non-Christian colleagues. in other words, my whole department. my spirits were very down.

the coins were later returned and passed around in the envelope and whoever gave it, to claim it. it was a very uncomfortable feeling taking back the 'stained' money.

i was contemplating what to do. just ignore the issue and let it pass? or to bring it upfront? i was scared and in effect, ate lots of chewing gum. ate about 5 in a span of a 2 hours. if i let it pass, it could grow into gossip. if i go tell the person who collected it, it could explode and also grow in gossip. but then, to kill gossip, is to tell the truth. but i'm scared. well, if it happens, thats the effects of the mistake. accept it. and it went on and on, wondering, what should the Christian witness do? go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go, go, don't go,........

in the end, ok. be true. be firm in spirit. do what's right. be strong. accept it. honour God. (i also went, God please help me through it). and i approached my colleague. she went, 'oh, so its you ah...'. i apologised, that it was very insensitive of me and it was a bad mistake and wasn't thinking and was bothered earlier. and she said, 'it's okay. small matter. it has been deposited already'.

as i sat down my comp, i was still worried. and my colleague net send me telling me not to worry about it, that it's ok, that everyone learns and that i didn't know about no coins. she also said that she admired my courage to approach her face to face and be truthful about it. she told me not to think too much and shared her experience before where in her previous job, she handed her donation in an angpow. so she totally understood.

now, what can i say? everything remained good? nope. it became better. God is... God is...wonderful to teach me that and waliauleh, need to surprise and test me like that ah? my heart can take a rest now. most importantly, i know i honoured God.
*breathes a super huge sigh of relief*

thanks for the visit, danny....

returnees of adelaide and uni s.a. met up in midvalley on saturday evening. danny came back and so, a gathering. justin (botak, but got hair now), daryl, hui yin, irene, chok, kah ling, phoebe, keith and me. others sent their apologies.
it was great. spirits were high. lots of memories. and talk was crappy and also deep.

later on, went to watch the FA cup final. 2 MU fans, one chelsea fan, one liverpool fan, and one arsenal+anti-MU fan. okay, so we lost and daryl and wai kong are happy. justin's just waiting for champions league.

reached home about 1 a.m. he was fortunate enough to have clear skies and was able to see the bright Genting on the hill. talking to danny on the way home was great. i was in high spirits. we were housemates. and grew together in OCF. we were ministering to each other. he is also going on his next step after a degree. we shared on our joys and difficulties, things we have learnt and things that are happening now. slept at 2.30.

i was playing for the choir so we had to leave at 7.00a.m. danny came too. and left his wallet and hp at my house. (some things never change.. hee hee). my parents brought it later. it was holy communion service. and later he joined me in teaching senior sunday school also. i brought him to a famous beef noodle store and later on, brought him to the LRT for him to go home.

as housemates, it took a while to know each other and grow and work together, being scared, proud and having those natural tendencies of guys. even though it went well in the end, we know there's much more to improve on. and so, we make the effort to continue on, mutually knowing to make the effort to be transparent because there's not that many that you are able to be transparent to.

i'm really blessed and its an honour to know danny. not forgetting arthur, we were the wellington guys. serving, sacrificing and laughing with them are truly blessings from God.

Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens the other.

later in the night, my sister asked me why i am still sleeping on the floor though danny's gone back already.i said because danny has slept on it, so the bed is sacred already. i don't want to de-sanctify it.
( oh blasphemy...) and my sister, as usual, has more reasons to back her theory that i am lame and crazy.

its been long, a long long pause. not that i wasn't doing anything. i am still doing church work and working. but it was a pause that i struggle through. with whatever gap in time that i have and that i made, i reflect and try to find some ground. relooked at the the things that i am doing and the purpose behind it. have i sidetracked? assessed the times when things went wrong and try to find the cause and also the solution.try to find out the reason for the change in behaviour and reaction.

realignment.

i know very much that i'd want to say that things have been going great with God and be the model returnee, that i am standing firm and strong. but nope. i am not spared from the problems and toughness faced by returnees and the transition period.

i remember coming back, in a prepared mindset, focused on what to do. it worked. it was good. things were good. i was prepared in places that can possibly be prepared for. i remember wanting not to be like the returnees that have returned and to do better than them and not 'be like that'. but it is different. after a while and as things changes, defenses start breaking down. the environment, working routine, work, family, money, survival.... it affects your goals in life, your principles, your dreams, your passion, your faith.

it affects us in different ways according to our individual strengths and weaknesses. after a while, things are not good.

after a while, the body gets weak, the spirit gets weak, the mind gets weak and faith gets weak. oh how i wish i could be standing strong to tell verses that inspire and move people. but how can i if i have a plank in my own eye? i know i'll sound like a wimp. with truth vs. macho manly ego? i choose truth.

it is pretty lonely too. from an environment filled and surrounded with close friends, suddenly, there is nothing. of course, just catch-up and rebuild the friendships and make new friends again lah. well, that is a normal process. but after a long while of conversations just touching the surface and not going anywhere deep, its a sucky empty feeling. and you don't see your new friends everyday. only once or twice a week. so calculate the length of time it takes to build close friendships again.

we say the world's connected and a friend is just an MSN message away. that's if you have the time to get connected. when you have 2 hours left (hopefully) in the day to possibly do this array of stuff: eat, bathe, quiet time, exercise?, spend time with family, practise piano?, internet? ; which do you prioritise? okay... don't ask me how does weekly bible study or cell group fit in.

its hard to describe the experience of what a returnee goes through. its one of those things that you will only understand when you go through it. for example, giving birth.

now that i'm nearly sounding like the book of Ecclesiastes where the great Teacher cries, 'Life is meaningless, meaningless, meaningles', let me speak of the goodness of God.

you'd have heard the phrase 'taste the sweetness of God'. i understand it more now. when everything is bitter, somewhere, God puts people and joy, and sweetness flows. i look and try to see God. He is underlying everything.

i attend GCF Headstart. a once a month bible study session for 12 months. i learn a lot from the people there. the joys and problems that they go through and all. equal in our journey and with an adult leader. learning a lot from his experience and wisdom, it refreshes the spirit, though i am dead tired when i reach home.

through the GCF camp, 2 of my groupmates are really great. florence and hui chuan always wonder what has been happening to me. sending smses and emails and going 'bill? bill? bill?' on the chatbox. and they used their precious 2nd of may holiday for a meet up, just to chat and relax and fellowship. how am i not to feel encouraged and cared for?

in a lot of things that i do, i would always want it to be good. that's another nice way of saying successful. who wouldn't? and after just seeing things go on as it was and not improving, day after day, week after week, i would find the effort of no use and stop. what's the point of doing it, if there is no use of it? it wasn't just church work but also other stuff.

and a reminder was given by pastor on the monday night of the Easter week. God calls us to be faithful. Success is another thing. it will come when it comes.

it was a quiet period. some sort of lonely desert. do i remain the same after yet another filtering? do i still remain true? perhaps the core is still there and firm, though shaky and affected a bit. i won't give up. there's so much wisdom to learn.

i definitely miss the times of worship in adelaide. okayyy. somehow as i'm typing that, Joanne's (mrs. Kiu) words somehow came up, reminding me, 'don't compare'. but of course its not about the music and atmosphere.

well, i remember Don Moen's worship in 'God With Us'. his intro to one of the most loved songs.

'our joy as we worship right now, gathered under His grace and surrounded by high praise, is not an escape from reality.

with all the power inherited in His presence, it's still a fact that all of us face tough times.

times are a lot different than these moments of celebration. but tough times don't diminish the reality of His presence.

darkness will fall and clouds do gather. shadows will come, but our faith and our confidence in Him need never be shaken.

and when we face difficult times and trials, He will be with us to make a way.'

and so, the song, 'God will make a Way' follows...

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see...

~ God is faithful. He is the same; yesterday, today and forever ~

?

what do i post?
can i still post with a troubled heart?
i can smile. but i know its only on the outside.